People who don’t care about you

Have you ever took a step back and realised someone that you thought you loved..liked…and realised. They don’t give a shit about you?

You spend so much time, money, and effort on them. Yet, all they care about is themselves. Their problems. Their issues. It’s always about them. You thought you would be able to have a relationship with them. But all you were to them was a piece of trash. Did they care to ask about your day? No. Did they ask you how your interview went? No. Did they even bother wishing you a happy birthday on your birthday? No. Despite you telling them about these things. You realise. They don’t give a single shit about you!

You were just conveniently there when they needed someone to be with them, to listen to their shit, and to let them feel comforted. You were being used. And for so long you let them do that to you. You tried to forget them…so many times. You ignored them. Kept your distance. Then they come running back when you least expected and it starts all over again.

But that is the last time. You will not, cannot let yourself be looked down upon. You are worth so much more than that. There will be someone who loves you for who you are. As a friend said to me, it takes two people to have a relationship. Not just one person struggling to keep it together, while the other person makes no effort…just keeps receiving without giving anything. I am not sure what I even like about that person? Maybe I was lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Maybe I wanted a friend. Maybe I wanted something more. But, when I found out who this person really is and how bad they treat me…I realise I deserve more. I had to tell someone about him. I was embarrassed though, because who goes chasing after someone who gives zero fucks about you? Again and again. Why did I think I could change him?

He’s a dick and he will stay a dick. I turned 29 years old yesterday. It’s time to grow up and realise my worth. In terms of what I can do in my career…in my sports..in my relationships…I have decided I won’t settle for what is convenient and easy… Have to realise you can do more than you think, because if you stick in a bad job or relationship for the sake of convenience…think of what you are missing out on…The higher pay..the better environment and someone who loves you better.

To be honest, I had a good look at my situation when I overhead a colleague talking about their friend who is seeing a dick guy. Apparently, the guy doesn’t want anyone to know about them and they meet in secret…Apparently, he doesn’t want to commit because he has another girl on the side…yet this friend continues staying with him. She gets heartbroken every month and comes crying to her friends. It’s hard. When you think you are in love. You try to see past all the flaws and the red flags telling you to run. Maybe it is our kind hearts that try to see the good in everyone.

Girls and boys, you deserve so much more. Someone you can love, and who will love you back.

Don’t look down on yourself.

Experience?

I woke up today and I was working on writing a job application for a senior pharmacist position…and as I was thinking of all the different pharmacies I have worked and all the different roles I have had…and realised I am an experienced pharmacist…even though I don’t think I am… I have achieved much and experienced much… I don’t know everything, but I know something.

Applying for jobs is about selling yourself, your knowledge, and your experiences. Some talent in writing is needed here…you want to make it seem like you have done more and learnt more than you probably have…if you undersell yourself, you won’t even get a chance to progress from paper to in-person interview. ┬áThat reminds me, I have another interview this coming week… It is part of the same company I am currently in..but a different branch…further away from my house… but hey, stability in finances comes with a cost. I love my job now, but having short contracts constantly and not knowing if I have a job next year is scary…and I need to do my best to grab whatever opportunities there are… Otherwise, I won’t be able to save up for my house :(.

I feel really lucky now…Even though at times it’s frustrating…scary… tiring.. and exhausting. I think there will come a time where I will look back, and say I can’t believe I made it that far…by working so hard! You reap what you sow and if you worked hard…your efforts will pay off.

Going to a house inspection later today…I finally have a day off! So I might as well use my time wisely.

In other news, yesterday I heard from a colleague that another colleague had suddenly passed away..No one knows why. They were young. Lot’s of potential and a funny person. They will surely be missed. But it reminded me greatly about the uncertainty of life and the experiences we have interacting with each other…If you treat someone badly, and then they pass away, there is no opportunity to say sorry or to forgive them.

So think again, do you want to live a life of regret? Treat people the best that you can.

I honestly rather that people treat me bad, then I treat someone bad.

Doubles Partner

Playing badminton can teach you about life.

Something that just occurred to me recently is, it is so important to find a good doubles partner for badminton/life.

In doubles, it is important that you can trust, communicate, and work well with the other person. If you don’t trust your partner, and they call a shot out-yet you don’t believe them…then you lose the point. Similarly, if you partner starts attacking from the back, the other person needs to know to move to cover the front of the court.

When things gets hard, as in you have been forced to do a lift which makes you susceptible to getting smashed by your opponents… you both have to take a side and defend the court. It would be incredibly hard if you you remained in a front and back formation as it would be hard to cover the whole court in that way.

If you did as drop shot, where the shuttlecock is really close to the net, you need to stay there and cover the next shot…in case they drop the shuttle back to you. It would be hard for your partner to run straight to the front of the court to cover the shot…

A good partner would encourage you to play and do better. Someone who gets angry easily and stops communicating is hard to play with…similarly if they don’t communicate saying “Yours” or “Mine”…there will be chances that clashes of racquets could happen.

Small things like high fiving after a good shot or praising, encouraging your partner is important. It may sound like nothing, but these small amounts of encouragement help to boost morale and lifts the team spirit.

Post game…win or loss…it’s important to keep the communication open…it can be hard after a loss not to blame the other person…but it’s good to thank them for playing and say the usual ‘We’ll do better next time’.

With these types of attitudes and learnings, I think it can be applicable and generalisable to all types of relationships with people you may have. Whether in family situations, work situations, friendships…and romantic relationships..

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Random Rants: Are you happy right now?

When you earn more money, do you get more stingy? Or do you become more generous?

I find that the more I earn…the more I spend…but at the same time, I also try to be careful with my money. It’s a ‘balancing act’…Earn more..can spend more…thus not saving more.

It’s a conundrum. It’s great you are earning more…but you also pay more tax…and then you end up with less than you initially imagined.

The ability to earn more…means you can afford to go on holidays in which you couldn’t before…do you take the time off and go on a holiday? Or do you keep saving and saving until one day..you can’t work anymore?

Such is life…I guess you have to choose whether you are happy, satisfied with how much you have.

You could be poor and happy. You could be rich but sad.

So many decisions to make…Do you take the risk to do a job that offers you one-two month contracts at a time, with no guarantee of ongoing work? Or do you instead continue part-time work …that also doesn’t offer you any more hours? But it is permanent. Or do you remain casual, which is flexible…but where you get pushed around by the big guys up there…When it’s busy they overwork you, when it’s quiet they don’t care about you and you get no shifts. The instability of life. Choices.

Such is life.