Each time I feel like I have finally taken a step forward, I make the same mistake and end up 10 steps back to where I started. With each set back, the pain grows, yet I am starting to feel numb inside…Making the same mistake again and again, it frustrates me that I haven’t learnt my lesson. I feel frustrated in myself. Angry. Sad. Why can’t they just cut me some slack? Why do I always feel like I get the harshest critics watching over me like a hawk with no mercy?
I sound like I am asking to be pitied and I guess in a way I am. I am pitiful in my plight to get it easy. Nothing was ever given to me on a plate. I’ve always had to work so, freaking hard for everything that I have ever put my hand to.
I don’t know why I am complaining, but I just want to let the world know how I felt..
I felt a bit down after work today after another set back on my 100 items competency…I had made it to 82 last Friday and I had my fingers and toes crossed that today would be THE DAY that I reached 100 items and get to be fully fledged as the pharmacist I already am and being able to focus on more important things I need to do. I wonder if my lack of concentration is due to my anxiety to finish this as soon as possible, the lack of iron, or the restless sleep I have.
One day, I hope I. will look back and say, ” I am glad you didn’t give up otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are now”.
Until then, I say to myself, “Just keep swimming”. (Said in Dory’s voice xD)
Ever since I was young, since I started my period, my iron levels have always swung up and down. This may have been attributed to the monthly blood loss and also due to the fact I refused to red meat from the age of 10. I started eating meat again at age 20, as by that time I had stopped menstruating for around 6 months…and on advice of our local doctor, i.e. my scary Aunty… I was semi coerced to start eating meat again.
I still remember my first meal that had meat. Wok in the box stir fry. Tastes like shitty rubber imo. It felt disgusting. Why do people like meat? But if I wanted to become ‘normal’ I had to do this….
Eventually it got better… chicken was easier to eat… and pork was not had as well.. it felt good to not be the odd one out at All you can Eat Korean BBQs, buffets, and random dinners at friend’s houses… I didn’t want to be rude and not eat the food given to me.. I just sort of brushed the food aside. Back then, not many people were into ‘Vegetarian’ or Vegan diets, aside those who were for religious reasons.
Anyways, I digressed too much. The moral of the story is that I kind of ate what my mum cooked at home… and yeah it meat most of the time. But since moving out, I realised now I am in charge of my own diet and I can eat what I want. I really tried to imitate what we ate at home.. beef mince, pork…but I soon realised.. I am no chef and secondly, I honestly don’t like the texture of meat. I don’t know how to cook it … so I might as well stick with what I can cook well and go back to my mainly plant-based and seafood diet. This is my forte.. my fridge is full of basically 70% veggies, 10% Protein (Fish and Tofu), 20% carbs.
And hence, I would not be surprised at all when I am due for my next blood test to check my iron levels… that it is most likely to be low. :(.
I do not want to take supplements as I had many side effects such as black Tarry stools from them… EWW. TMI? Not enough imo!! Hmmm if its really bad, maybe I can request an iron infusion?
I guess it depends on the blood test 😔😔
In others news, I have started a new segment on my podcast about the quick meals that you can cook with your microwave..see link below:
I’ve been think lately about why I am so afraid to break the rules. I’ve always been so afraid of being found out…of being guilty…and being called “A Bad Girl”- (No kink intended here…).
In Cantonese, the word for obedient was “Gwai”. (sounds like that)…and I loved being called a “Gwai Low” or “Obedient daughter”. I’ve always been afraid of getting hit by my parents for being naughty. I grew up with migrant Asian parents in which the norm was to hit their children when they were naughty…Is this why I am so afraid of breaking the law? Breaking the rules? And hence why I was so obedient to all the lock down restrictions? Or is it because I know the consequences of not following the rules? I saw a facebook Meme about how that people with lower intelligence tend to not follow the lockdown restrictions because they do not understand what ‘Social Distancing is’.
Maybe, it is because I am a health professional working in a hospital in which the use of PPE, gloves, and googles are the norm? I crave for freedom as much as the next person, but not at the expense of spreading this disease.
I think I am too hard on myself sometimes…It is okay not to be perfect. No one is perfect 100% of the time. It’s not ideal to make mistakes or break the law unintentionally…but it will happen… and just pray that the police didn’t catch you :o.
Having lived alone for a month so far, I decided I will reflect on the perks of living alone versus living with family or other people.
The good things:
I believe promotes growth. Promotes independence and the ability to time manage and to plan ahead. You need to have a grocery list before you go shopping. You also finally understand why people froth at the mouth when they talk about knives or stainless steel pots. You start noticing why it is so important to be able to sharpen those knives…and how much easier it makes for cooking with a sharp knife.
The not so good things:
It is lonely however, especially because we are still in stage four lockdown in Melbourne… sooo technically not allowed visitors..I think because I live alone I allowed one visitor. Then again, I am so tired all the time, I barely can keep awake during a conversation with someone, especially at night. Also, it sucks when I cook, I cook a lot at a time because I am too lazy to cook often. But, I never finish all my food…but I also don’t like freezing the food…coz I like to eat it fresh..HAHA so I end up throwing away so much food… 😦 No one to share my food with or to help me finish my food.
Living with Family
The good things:
Hmm basically the opposite of the things I said for the perks of living alone. It doesn’t promote independence, because you always have someone to fall back on. Your parents do everything for you or most of it. Bills, groceries, cooking, cleaning, managing problems. You can always count on your parents to help with any problems that come up. Oh, they also can look after your pet turtle when you are away. You always have company if you want someone to eat with.
The not so great things:
There is no privacy. You can’t bring someone over that easily…otherwise they will be interogatted by your parents and there is no lock on your door. You share one bathroom with three other peopleand so you have to put everything back after you finish using it. Your mum complains your hair is all over the shower…your brother complains that you didn’t flush the toilet properly after you used it. Your dad complains that the dishes you washed are still dirty to spite you…coz he is notarious for not washing dishes properly. I can’t stand how dirty and crowded the house is…there is too much hoarding going on. Don’t get me started.
Have you ever been a negative nelly and you believed something bad was going to happen, and when it did you announced. “I told you so!”
How much did our attitude to that problem, situation contribute to what happened?
If you always feel like your partner is going to chest on you, so you are suspicious of every female friend they hang out with…and you accuse him of flirting at every opportunity. Maybe your behaviour contributed to his decision to cheat. He was called a cheat, so might as well do it right?
I am not sure if I am making any sense at all.. I woke up around 5 and couldn’t fall back asleep… I was too cold. Most of the time, I am too hot when I sleep. Life is so hard.
P.S. todays cover photo is of some Frozen Taiyaki I found in my local Asian grocery store :0 $3 for 5 mini ones. A bargain 🤣🤣. I put two in the air fryer for about 5 minutes and it’s super crispy and DELICIOUS. Unhealthy probably but delicious. I am craving one now.. but its like 7am. Lol.
Anyways, in conclusion. We have to acknowledge that we have past preconceptions and assumptions about people and their behaviour. Because men and women are not all the same. Stereotyping people and situations doesn’t help. It should make you more alert, but sometimes the ending can be different. And hence I end thid somewhat sleep deprived chat here.
Today I managed to do a weeks worth of cleaning in one day. I was recording in a voice message to my mum what I did today.. and it was a lot (imo)..!
Woke up. Had breakfast. Then took the first load of laundry of undergarments downstairs. waited half an hour or so then took the next load, work clothes -on delicate mode- and put the undergarments in the dryer. Repeat x5. As I was hanging up the work clothes I get a call from my Aunty who was checking to see if I was alright…
After the call I try to do some study.. but I am hungry again :(. So it’s time to cook from all the left over ingredients I bought last week! So today and tmoros menu consists of frozen eel (soo delicious), frozen fishballs, frozen mixed veggies ( so colourful), fresh bokchoy x3 (coz its cheaper), 2 onions, half a garlic, half a box of smooth tofu, left over noodles…and voila! 4 or so meals are done. It tastes good too. You can’t really go wrong with these ingredients. I left of mess after cooking (and eating) as per usual.
So I started wiping down the kitchen bench.. then I realised the floor was dirty.. so I got out the good old two in one mixed head mop.. sprayed some disinfectant and water. Well, one thing led to another… I had the spray out already.. should I just clean my toilet and shower today instead of Sunday? It means tmoro I can just relax… hmmm anyways. So I ended quickly cleaning the bathroom too.. I don’t think I did as thorough as the week before.. but I’ll survive🤣🤣🤣 always feels sooo nice to have a clean toilet, clean clothes, and clean kitchen bench. My sink is still full of dishes tho 🤣🤣🤣…
Some of my colleagues are horrified to hear how I only clean once a week…but hey I live on my own and the mess is my own. If I can live with it, then it’s fine right? As long as no one else is affected 🤣🤣🤣imho.
Night before first day: *Can’t sleep. Too excited/nervous/omfg. (Also can’t wait to start so you can start earning some $$ again )
First day. Wake up wayyyy tooo early. Sleep deprived. Wear a cake of make up and do your hair.. then you remembered you have to wear a mask.. and ruin face. Dress nicely in your freshly ironed clothes and clean polished shoes. Paid for expensive AF visitor parking for a short orientation. Get a mugshot of you taken as if you were a criminal on. your badge. Try to remember the names of all the people you met…then later realise u forgot to ask about how to use the staff carpark.
Week 2: You learnt from the first week that you don’t need to do makeup on your whole face. Just half will do. Clothes? They don’t need ironing right? They will become wrinkled anyways… you bond with the other newstarters.. only they seem to understand your pain and stress from being the “Noob” at work .;(.
Week 3: Let’s just do the eyebrows… everything else comes off anyways. They won’t notice if I wear the same thing twice in a week… right? At this stage you have made some friends, but also some enemies at work. Avoid those who hate in you and just remember it’s alright. You sort of know what you are doing.. kind of. You’ve made a bit of a routine at work. What snacks to get.. the free coffee and tomatoe soup. You got this :0
Week 4.. ? To be continued
…every now and then anyways.
Woke up feeling shi* this morning with a splitting headache… my mouth has been super dry lately and I suspect it had something to do with the Asthma Preventative Inhalers I take… I do rinse my mouth out after each use.. but I still managed to get something called Oral Thrush 😦 thus is basically a fungal infection of the mouth which causes your tongue and maybe the side of your cheeks to become white and patch.. and for me … it’s hard to swallow and in addition to that I have several mouth ulcers…
I don’t think I’ve been taking care of myself as well as I should… it’s hard. We are in the middle of a pandemic and in stage four lock down in Melbourne… I have to follow by the rules.. and that means only been able to eat and drink during designated break times… which often ai will skip if it is too busy. Stress sucks :(.
But anyways, I digress. So I was feeling shi* this morning and because I woke up several times in the night.. I slept in till about 11am? My mouth was super dry and I was always thirsty, even though I drank water! My appetite wasn’t there anymore… I just craved something soft and tasty. I looked in my cupboard.. and ALAS. The Burger Rings which I got on sale for $1 at Woolies.
Should I? It’s breakfast for goodness sake…. screw if. Imma adult now and if I want to have Burger rings for breakfast .. I am going to have it. For those who might not know, Burger Rings are these ring shaped (clearly) orange/brownish delicious snacks packed with Burger Flavour (whatever that is). They are sooo addictive and tasty. I demolished a whole bag 🤣🙃. Guilty pleasure. Yup. Did it hurt my ulcers? Yup. Was it good for me? Nope. Do you think I would do it again?. Yup. But everything in moderation and I don’t have any left anyways..
Anyways, I better sleep.. big day tomorrow ..training is over and the real Residency starts. Wish me luck and also please remind me to buy some oral anti fungal drops…!
P.S. cover photo is of the Japanese Curry I cooked today which I will eat for the next few days 🤣🤣🤣
I went for a walk today and saw a man standing still, not wearing a mask, and using his phone. I try to evade him, he is clearly not exercising but is wearing sports gear as if he was. Lame. Mask evaders, hope he gets fined.
I guess if anyone is caught outside not exercising, they could always just say they are going grocery shopping.
Where are the social distancing police when you need it? :0.
Other than that, the situation seems to be getting better. I ordered Uber Eats for the first time!! Since buying frozen eel…I am obsessed with eel.. it’s so delicious. 🤤 I finally got paid on Thursday! I guess this is my small private celebration 🎉..
I find that I am the harshest critic upon myself… when faced with uncertainty, I often doubt myself.. my qualifications and my ability to get the job done.
Amongst other things, I am quick to compare myself to others and hence, usually feel bad for myself. 😔😔 But what for? Everyone is different, unique, and has their own journey. There isn’t any point comparing your journey to someone else’s. That’s what I SHOULD think.. but anyway, other people will do it, even if you don’t.
But you just gotta drown that thought out and don’t pay attention. Just do your best! That’s all you can do. 😊
Week five of our stage 4 lockdown… we are due for review on September 13th.! Fingers and toes crossed we will have some restrictions lifted ✌️✌️🤞🤞🤞
I haven’t been very consistent with the naming of the podcast .. is it even a podcast? More like a lazy way to diary my life… my sad Iso-life.
Click here for Episode Three!
I promise to write a proper blog post soon! P.S. adulting achievement unlocked! Finally managed to make the skin on my salmon CRISPY!! 😍😍😍
So very tired these days.Work. Home. Cook. Clean.Groceries. Laundry.
Sad. Sleep. Study. Repeat.
I happen to work in another hospital that focuses on mental health…and I can definitely see the effects of the lockdown on their mental health…Not being able to see friends and attend university in person…really affects young people and old.
New covid cases are decreasing in Melbourne which is great…I think everyone is looking forward to having the lockdown restrictions lifted..
On a side sad note..I have gone over my monthly data limits… Working from home really cost a lot more than I imagined T_T…plus I forgot to set up a direct debit for the internet bill..so I was 5 days overdue..OMG…… on a side side note…I am now connected to the nearby University Wifi…using my old university login… WIN ..HAHA ?? for now??