*BEEP BEEP BEEP!!”. Lilly rolled over in the her bed to press the ‘Snooze’ button on her phone. A minute later the next alarm started ringing…she always set at least 5 alarms in the morning because she had a bad habit of wanting to sleep in. She groaned and grabbed the phone to turn off the alarm. She checked for any notifications. Still none from Hiroshi. She got up, slightly disappointed. Maybe he wasn’t going to reply because she hadn’t given him her phone number…Should she have given it? Whatever…his loss. She got up and started getting ready for work…It was going to hectic day, as the manager of her team she had a pile of things that she had to follow up. Unfortunately as the Team Leader, it meant that everyone else’s mistakes became her problem to fix. Can someone remind her why did she take up the position again? Work took up most of her time and unfortunately she also took work home to do. I mean, she didn’t have much of a life anyways. Might as well just absorb herself into her work…Her friends often joked she was married to her job…haha she literally was.
Lilly worked in a large tertiary hospital and was the Team Leader of the Dispensary Pharmacy Team at Prince Alfred Hospital. Throughout Covid-19 she wasn’t able to work from home and still had to make the 20 km commute to work. The lighter traffic in the road due to Covid-19 restrictions was a welcome blessing actually, there were hardly any cars on the road as other professions had to work from home. She drove into the staff carpark and swiped her card to open up the boom gates. There was actually parks available thanks to some staff working from home. ANOTHER unintended advantage of Covid-19.
3pm. It was lunch time finally. She was starving…but was unable to escape to lunch because it seemed like every time she tried to go, someone came up to her and asked her to help them do something. Lilly had a problem with saying NO, she didn’t want to seem unapproachable, mean, or lazy. She was so afraid of what other people thought of her, she wanted to be the perfect leader. But even perfect leaders still got hungry. She hadn’t had time to look at her phone all day and she was dying to know if Hiroshi had replied.
There was a reply! 3 messages from Hiroshi sent at 11 am..finally!!.. she opened it up eagerly.
“Morning Lilly! 🙂 Sorry I fell asleep and just woke up.” said the first message. The second one said, “Sorry, I don’t use social media apps at all :(. Ever since my last girlfriend died 5 years ago I stopped using all social media accounts because it reminds me of her :(.”. The third and final message said, “Please can I have your number? I want to send you photos of the food I cooked!”.
Lilly scratched her head, no social media accounts? That was a pretty rare thing these days…She didn’t know what to do. She normally would stalk someone’s Facebook or Instagram accounts to confirm how someone really looked like and if they were a scammer to not. Hmm, but it looked like this guy had something bad happened to him…should she believe him? Should she just give him her number and try to find out more about him?
Lilly looked at her phone in surprise, the tiredness slipping away momentarily. Another two “Ding! Ding!” sounds went off on her phone as Hiroshi send another two messages. She pressed the notifications, the first message read, “Hi Lilly! How are you? Thank you so much for matching with me!”. The second message said, “I am so happy you matched with me, I promise I will be loyal to you forever if you let me. Lmao”. The third and final message said, “Now that I have found you, I am going to delete Hinge. Can I have your mobile number please?”.
Lilly stared at the messages not knowing what to think. This guy was so…forward? She liked that in a guy and he promised loyalty too…She had bad experiences of exes who had cheated on her or were constantly flirting with other girls in front of her and she wanted to avoid any guy that was like that. Sure, maybe he was bullshitting. But to ask me for my number this early on? She wasn’t sure that was a safe thing to do this early in their encounter. Hmmm, she was not going to give her number straight away, but how should she respond to him…? She typed, “Hi Hiroshi! I should thank you for matching back with me. So can you tell me about yourself? Can we talk on Facebook or Instagram instead? I don’t like giving my number out to people who I don’t know that well yet.” She sent the message and waited for a few minutes. Not seeing a response, she decided to go to sleep….
That night she dreamt about her first love, the one who had promised to love her and only her for the rest of her life. They had plans of getting married, having kids, and the future of things that the planned to do. But, all of that burnt into the ground as ashes when she found out that he had been cheating on her. She couldn’t forgive him, she couldn’t imagine trusting him again…and from there on she was scarred, deformed, and hesitant to trust men again. Trust issues…SUCK… Why does trust take so long to build, yet can be so easily destroyed?
Would this new guy she just met be able to be the guy for her? I mean it was just words. Do words even really mean anything these days? But Lilly was lonely, if you never let your guard down and let anyone in, you will forever remain all alone. But, when you let your guard down, you can get hurt….I guess you just have to choose whether it’s worth taking the risk or not…
Lilly looked at the photo…contemplating whether she should request to match with him. He was so good looking…he could easily pass off as a celebrity, a rock star, or a model of some sort. There was no way he would be interested in a plain, boring, average looking girl like me. Heck, Lilly thought…What do I have to lose anyways? There was only a limited amount of match requests you could do each day, but more often than not she never used them up. She wanted a relationship, but at the same time she was too tired and lazy to put much effort into it. Lilly felt relationships were so hard to maintain. Her last relationship was probably over 4 years ago? That ended pretty badly and she still had dreams that haunted her showing alternate endings to her relationships. It was like an unhealed trauma that left her feeling hesitant to believe in love again.
As a teenager, Lilly believed love was something that she felt certain she would never experience…She was never one of those popular pretty girls back in high school and no guys had every asked her out…and if they did it was as a joke. Back in high school Lilly had crooked teeth, acne, glasses, and was super self-conscious about showing any skin at all. Her secondhand high-school skirt was almost down to her feet and she always wore long sleeved shirts no matter how hot it was outside. She didn’t think any guy would ever be interested in her….not until she was able to transform herself into who she was now. She had gotten braces during University, finally managed to be brave enough to get contact lenses, and she slowly outgrew her acne. She had grown more confident in her body as she started to work out at the gym, followed fashion bloggers, and learnt how to style her hair and do basic make up…she looked nothing like her old self, yet despite her appearance changing, her confidence in herself and finding true love was dim.
Lilly was afraid. Afraid that the other person would find out what kind of person she really was. Without all the make up, the facade that she tried to put up. She felt she was just an ugly duckling that was pretending to be a swan…Dating was about pretending to be a perfect swan to attract a mate. WOW. When was life so primal? She believed guys were shallow, they just went for pretty, slim, and cute girls. Then again, she felt she was shallow too…she also went for handsome, tall, and fit guys…She too was not attracted to guys who didn’t look after themselves. Too bad most of those handsome guys turned out to be pricks who only wanted one thing. Sex. But she wanted more than that, she wanted a connection, a relationship, and maybe a husband…dating in this time and age was really really HARD.
Well whatever, Lilly thought, it’s time to sleep. Lilly was about to head off to sleep when the a notification flashed across the screen of her phone…”Hiroshi has sent you a message”…
Lilly had no more hope in being able to find the Mr. Right. She was 99.9% sure he didn’t exist anyways. Who would be able to put up with her temper, the emotional rollercoasters she went through before her period, and that Type A personality. She wanted to give up and just accept that she would be single for the rest of her life. I mean it can’t be thaaat bad right? She could just get a cat to keep her company and also a dog. She might as well just bring up a small farm as her family. Why not.
However, before giving up she was going to try ONE LAST time with the dating apps. Due to Covid restrictions she had been unable to go to her normal social activities…I have to upload a photo? Oh gosh she had no new photos for the last six months….there was nothing to do! We haven’t been able to travel or to explore the world as usual. Lilly randomly chose some random photos of her at work and uploaded a picture of her shoes. Whatevs.
She hated deciding on who to talk to from a photo.. Gosh…. you don’t want to judge someone on the first photo that pops up on their profile/..but at the same time you do not have time to read each profile carefully…and there is only so many lame pickup lines that you can put up with in one day…sigh. She was about to give up when she saw a name on the top. “Hiroshi”. What a nice name..I am pretty sure that is the name of the lead singer from the Japanese band, “My First Story”. Nothing stood out from his profile…he had a few photos…very little text. It said, one of them said “Find out that I am real, video call me!” and another that said he could speak four languages, and another said, “I love and am good at cooking and cleaning!”…you would find out later that all of this was fake. It was all too good to be true…
Sorry. I’ve been distracted in the last two weeks. Chasing something that didn’t last. I knew it wouldn’t last. Doesn’t it feel great when your pessimistic premonitions come true?
Why does it feel so sad and so bad when you are right? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or is it because of your stereotypical thinking that led you that way?
I hate being the one that is so invested.. the one who has so much to lose. If I dare stray from my perfect track record, I fear what people will say… I fear what people will do to me. So I keep going on.. with a mask. And hope that no one can see the real me.
Oh wow. This got so deep-ish. Maybe its because ai am trying to forget someone, something, but all things remind you of them. This food. This song. This colour. So you do your best not to be reminded.
It’s past midnight :0 … maybe my head is going crazy. I am so tired. Yet the thoughts are racing in my head…. and yes I am listening to “ZombiE•… “in my head”… zzz
I dread blood tests. I try to put it off as long as possible. I always associate blood tests with having to fast, the fear they cannot find my veins, and fear of fainting…
More often than not, I am dehydrated when I go for a blood test… I just don’t feel like drinking when I can’t eat. 😞 face.
Anyways, I had my blood test for iron, blood sugar levels, vitamin b12, vitamin D today.. omg. So many tubes and tests 😭😭😭… I thought I had to fast, but anyways I didn’t.
I was trying to go to a clinic near my house to get it done, but I missed the turn and I was like screw this I’ll try get it done at my workplace.
Despite being here for over a month, I haven’t really explored this huge ass hospital… I only know how to get to the pharmacy, the cafeteria and most importantly the toilets. Apparently there is a library here too? But anyways, it was hard trying to find the pathology collection area…I had to go to the information desk at the front and ask the reception staff how to get there… lol 😆
Anyways, all done now. I am now recovering while drinking my second coffee tor the day ( it’s only 9:30am xD…) and some water.. to hopefully replenish my lost blood cells 😭
In other boring news. i have made another episode of cooking with joy, where I actually don’t really cook at all. LOL
Episode 2: Cooking with Joy