What happens after we die?

When we die, I would like to think that we go to better place, but what if you are are at an even worse scenario than before?

Everything is uncertain, is your life after this going to be a better one? Is there such thing as a guardian angel that prevents us from dying…from suffering. From making the same mistakes that we were going to do in the past? In context, is this life any harder than one that you may or may not encounter in the past?

As I googled all this and read about this. I ponder in this dark place I am in right now, is there really any light at the end of the tunnel? Is there any options for me? There seems to be no easy fix. There must be more to life.

“I want to Eat Your Pancreas” -Movie review

Yeah, me too. I thought this Japanese anime movie must have been about some zombie or some man eating cannibal story line, but funny enough it’s a sad love story. Well, parts of it was sad and parts of it was moving. In general, a good movie. It didn’t move me as much as other sad movies have done so in the past, but one message that the main character, Sakura, taught me is that the reason why we are alive and the reason why we can interact with others is the impact we make in their lives.

It’s so bizzare that during this covid pandemic, with all the social activities being cancelled and the constant lockdowns, this is where I became the shell of the person I was 4 years ago. It took so long for me to get out of my shell and get back to the life that I was used to.
Now I feel like I am starting all over again. But it’s so much harder being here alone

My sister just had her second baby and the only way I was able to meet the baby was through online video call. in a way, it’s great that technology has allowed us to come this far. I feel so close to my family, yet I am so so far way. 693 km away as per Uber eats when I tried to order something for my family. So close yet so far away.

The other way I have been spending my free time is emerging myself into Webtoons, and one particular one I started reading again was “Season of Blossom”…one of the characters featured in the webtoon dies from suicide and it is now unraveling the story of how he came to do what he did. Despite the fact there was someone he loved and someone he loved, he still made the choice in the end. Sometimes, you can’t save everyone. He was so popular, everyone liked him, yet no one truly knew who he was deep inside.

I feel like I really have procrastinated this weekend, I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself, but honestly I am just constantly running away from my problems and trying to hide from it all.

What happened to me?

What has happened to me? I feel like I am falling back into old habits… into past fears, into avoidance, into the black deep hole. I thought I was strong enough to overcome all this, I thought I would never go down that path again.

Where did it go wrong? How can I fix this? What did I do before? I can’t remember anymore. Is this because of the situation that’s been thrown at me or is it because I was already suffering inside but because I had put it off for so long that I failed to see it? How did I become like this?

My hopes and dreams feel meaningless. Everything is meaningless. What’s the point in trying if you are going to fail anyways. Why am I so negative :(.

Is it because I moved here? Should I move back? I am so confused, worried, and exhausted. Is it because I spent so much time alone? This endless lockdown and constant worries of getting the virus. Constant fears of having to quarantine… I am so very tired and unmotivated 😞

A New Chapter- Mental Health

This was my first week in a Mental Health ward, this time as a clinical pharmacist. Honestly, don’t think I made as many interventions as I would have liked…I feel.. lost… in my old rotation , I got into a groove of checking for VTE prophylaxis, checking the antibiotics were appropriate, checking pain relief was appropriate, and that regular medication was started/stopped as appropriate…. then I go go mental health.. where bloods could be done monthly.. my longest stay patient has been there SIX years..😱😱😱 and I am unsure what my role is …. it’s very “What the consultant wants”… and reminds me of the old days where I would have a chat with the consultant regarding some questionable things 😅. Consultant isn’t always right…

I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns and that sort of builds up my anxiety of what I don’t know. The anxiety of being in another hospital and not knowing how they do things and their practices.. messes with my head 😭😭… it’s only week one, but everyday just feels that I am unproductive and everything takes a long time to get used to …😓😓😓 Planning go do some learning this weekend!

In addition to that, its so strange to be fully into mental health. In mg surgical rotation I got a small taste of mental health, but now it’s like really full on in your face mental health…😭😭 Another big learning curve is coming for me..

Mass Vaccination

I’ve been doing one shift a week on the weekends at the mass vaccination clinics that my work runs. It’s all about setting individual goals for myself and trying to draw up as many vials as I can within the 2 hours or so that I have until it’s time for a scheduled break. It’s been great being able to see so many people getting vaccinated! It makes me happy because our government has decided not to focus on number of cases but on the number of people who have had their first dose of cover vaccine. They want to aim for 70% of people having their first dose administered in the least. I am glad I am able to do my part in helping people get vaccinated and to help fight against Covid. Fingers crossed I will be able to cross the borders and help home to see my family again.

P.S Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers!

People are so unreliable

I’ve pretty much all but given up relying on people. It seems like everyone is fickle, unreliable, and do not take responsibility for their actions. It’s been waves of disappointments on disappointments. I am just highly disappointed in so many people. It’s so frustrating for me, that my life is made harder by unreliable and inconsistent people. I really hate people honestly. At the end of the day I am still a person, so do I hate myself too? I should just become like them. Unreliable. Useless. And a liar. It is what it is I guess.