Writers Block

Not sure why, but these days I have been unable to finish writing the posts that I started. I have like two different half-written posts in my drafts.

Hopefully, the motivation and energy will come back soon and I can finish them

So much to organise before my move to Melbourne.

😦

 

Tolerance

I have found that there are so many things that require building up a tolerance to… once you get to a roadblock in which you stop that activity building up your tolerance.. it comes impossible to do what you could do before with high tolerance…

I thought I had overcome my fear of blood… when I worked at the clinical research facility, initially I was super queasy and almost fainted at the video of someone having blood taken from his cannula…in order to work there… I had to change myself to someone I was not…then I slowly exposed myself to videos of people having blood taken … then I watched from afar .. seated and not with an empty stomach… I made sure I was well hydrated and not too tired. I exposed myself more and more until I felt more comfortable.

The first person who I was training under to take blood from, though I thought my big fear of blood would hinder me from being able to take blood…When push came to a shove…I managed to do it. And not pass out. Densensitation. I think that’s how you spelt it(?). Repeated exposure to something makes you tougher and more able to withstand it… same with tolerances to spiciness… you start small and build up.. but you lose it when you stop doing that thing for a while.

That’s what happened to me today. My dad suddenly ran into the house and said, “I bumped my head!” And started putting his head under running water. In my training as a nursing assistant, I got him some clean make up pads and told him to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. I made him sit down, incase he fainted from the blood loss and asked him if he wanted water. When he had pressed for a few minutes I applied a clean waterproof bandaid on his wound and told him to try keep it clean so that it doesn’t get infected.

Anyways, that is besides the point… after I did that.. I started feeling sick in my stomach…maybe it’s because I am hungry.. most likely because I have stopped taking bloods for over five months now.. I’am not immune to the fear of blood, or should I say my tolerance of blood has gone back to what it is before.

I am now lying in my bed now… trying to fight My queasiness and become calm again.

The doubtful thoughts entered my head again, what future doctor can be afraid of blood?

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Out of my comfortzone

Today marks a new day where I joined a new gym. Long story short, the all-girls exclusive gym where I had half-price membership – closed down last month 😦 After being a member there so long.. I really really do miss it :(. Unfortunately they will be moving (next year) to a different location that is not close to me anymore. Due to being busy with life, I stopped gymming for a month and just increased the days I played badminton. So instead of once a week, I played about three times a week. I mean, badminton is good and all for stamina development and cardio.. but not so much gaining a more toned body.. which I much desire.

Anyways, this is a momentous occasion, because I’ve never joined a mixed ggm before… I do admit I feel intimidated seeing the guys (and some buff girls) pumping weights heavier than me. 😦

I kinda feel like I’ve been going to a private all girls school and to a public Co-Ed school. LOL. Well, on impulse I’ve joined up for 12 months (more lols coz i wanted to live overseas next year)- guess i ll worry about the consequences of that later.

I’ve been really put out of my comfortzone lately. Flying to Sydney for a wedding in which I only basically knew the person getting married. :/ Sitting on a table in which I knew absolutely noone. Brave? Maybe. I was scared shitless though. So many things. The wonders that travelling to another city makes you do. Syndey.. is not bad actually. Could i live there? Maybe. We’ll see. So many things to do. Yet, Where do I even start?

Hmmm new gym. New job. New haircut… new..??? New instrument to pick up??

That reminds me, I’ve been watching a Chinese Drama called “Untamed”… soo good. Highly recommended if you don’t mind handsome guys, pretty girls, and lotsa action and suspense.! They feature quite a few traditional Chinese instruments and it just looks so cool and I want to learn to play the flute LOL. I swear I used to have one or two of them.. but no idea where it went ;( .

Do you guys often get that sudden inspiration to learn something after watching a show, movie, or reading a book? What inspired you?

Nobody knows

Nobody knows what goes on inside your head

In turn, you don’t know what goes inside theirs.

We go through life guessing, assuming, and dictating what we think others are thinking. Little do we know how wrong or maybe right we are.

How can we know someone, better than we know ourselves? We could know someone, but maybe they changed or perhaps you were only seeing an act that they put on?

How do you really really know someone? I guess you can’t. You can just hope that you do and trust they are who they say they are.

Random rants: On Replay

Do you ever have times .. usually at the middle of the night.. when you are trying to sleep because you have work or a flight early tmoro morning… and you cannot sleep.. because you keep ruminating over something again and again… so much so that the story becomes twisted and strays from the original. Your emotions, feelings, and thoughts taint your memory of what really happened…

The story becomes what you want it to be instead. A fragment of the truth, but what is the truth? Each person will tell it in a slightly different way. Just look at the bible, in the New Testament there are several books written about the same event but by different people.

Alas, this late night post to try to get off my mind what has been weighing on my mind for the last few weeks. I think, I need closure, I have to settle things, for once and hopefully for all.

Be yourself

Find yourself someone who can accept you for who you are. Your faults, your strengths, who can understand the way you think..if they make you feel bad for being yourself, then they probably aren’t the right person for you.

I read somewhere before, that just because a relationship didn’t work out.. doesn’t mean that there is something broken or unlovable about you. Yes, maybe there is things you need to work on.. but that doesn’t mean that no one will ever love you. It can be sad when you get your heart broken… but sadly that’s part of life.

I don’t know if I believe in ‘The one’ anymore…maybe there will be many ‘The Ones’ and maybe there will just be one. But I truly believe if you put all your effort into something and it didn’t work out.. it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of something else. You change your perception.. you know a little bit better what you like and don’t like… you grow a little stronger.. even though you feel so weak.

Maybe there isn’t even ‘the one’ for you… and that’s fine. I think it’s fine. I believe You can live comfortably by yourself.. and that’s okay too. No one to hurt you, to worry you or cause you to be angry. Maybe a dog or cat. Who knows.

I don’t know. I just think take it as it is. Sometimes life doesn’t go your way.. but just gotta reflect on it and try bounce back.

Scared to be Lonely

When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…

When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?

Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?

When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…

When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…

When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before

When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?

When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness

Do we choose sadness?

Do we get to choose what makes us happy and what makes us sad?

I mean, it is normal at times to feel happy and then at other times feel sad… but do we get a choice in the matter..?

Sometimes I wonder and worry whether i am too much of one or the other… but maybe I am just overthinking it too much… what is normal for me maybe abnormal got you… I guess we got to compare it to our baseline.. whatever that is..

So instead of trying to wish away some emotion… maybe just embrace it as wholeheartedly as I can… because feeling emotions… feeling something is better than feeling nothing isn’t it? If we felt nothing, would we really be considered a human being?

I guess there’s a time and place for everything.. where there happiness and joy.. then there will also be sadness and sorrow.. for if without the other.. how would we be able to tell them apart?

House Maintenance

Another aspect of owning a house would be to learn how to look after it…to the best of your ability..

So my parents on a spur of the moment thing decided to change the tap in our kitchen sink..they bought the tap and asked my brother to put it together.

My brother went in blind, with no instruction sheet or nothing and began the dismantling of the sink with a variety of make shift tools-because he deemed my father’s tools inadequate. So the kitchen knife became a makeshift saw. Once the tap was off it was all about trying to install the new tap. But, alas..how are we to hold the tap in place?!?

My brother looked around and fold a squarish piece of metal and assumed that was what  would hold the tap in place… however! It did not fit.

This is when my expertise was called upon. He asked me to google, “How to remove and install a faucet”. We watched the youtube video… but still we seemed to be missing a crucial part to the tap…I asked him if he had the box or something from the tap.

He said, no my parents had only given him the tap and the squarish metal piece and some random screw. I did not believe they would throw away the box that fast! (being the hoarders they are)…I located the box…and lo and behold…what was in the box? The instruction sheet and the missing parts we needed to install the tap…

and alas with our “teamwork”- (I found the pieces !! and I used my phone a torch light- crucial essential elements) we as a team managed to install the new tap. To our great surprise, it worked~ but yeah the tap is still very loose…not sure how we can fix that…

I think plumbers usually change taps and things like that…but my parents are more stingy on spending money to get things done properly, when they can give it a crack themselves…

It is however, I observed a strain on the back and painful working upwards…

I so much more appreciate the hard work plumbers do.

 

Controlled by the Small Things-Random Rants

It occurred to me the other day, that humans are very similar to robots. Push this button, they will do something, show a light and they will move, show a different one they will stop. We obey signs that tell us how fast we can drive, to watch out for ducks, or to give way to other cars…without all these signs everywhere, life would supposedly be chaos.

I remember when I was visiting my mother’s rural town in China…They had no traffic lights back then…it was just go-in an hope for the best… I remember seeing a poor mans cart of fruits topple over…in the middle of the street…amongst people that just continued moving on with their lives…I remember how sad I felt at that time..I felt so sorry for him…yet I was on my uncle’s scooter riding in the opposite direction.

Do you ever feel like you ought to do something…but you really don’t want to…so you don’t…but then someone else does it…and you feel super guilty for not offering to do it?

I am guilty as charged.. That’s how I felt the other day…So there was a farewell party at work for someone who was leaving…and before I went downstairs with a colleague, we passed another colleague who was on meal monitoring duty… As I passed by, I told her about the party downstairs..and she said she might head down there since she was finishing soon…it crossed my mind that I should offer to take over her monitoring since I was scheduled to finish later than her…but at the same time I was like…but I really don’t want to and I want to get to that farewell…and I turned to leave…but then my other colleague who was going downstairs with me…turned and asked her if she wanted us to relieve her.. I felt major guilt..I did not do what my instincts had said was the right thing to do.

I don’t know even how my rant got to here..

Anyways, on a side note..I have began the great Kondo style declutter of my room ! I should have taken before and after photos… but honestly I hide all my stuff in closets and boxes. But the damage so far is five full garbage bags of clothes donated to charity…They were new and nice clothes I Donated..not crappy old ones..it’s a bit hard parting with it…but if I am not going to wear it, isn’t it better to go with someone else who will appreciate it more??

More on this decluttering topic later.. I have learnt a lot of things just from cleaning my room! Marie Kondo sure is onto something. I’ve started reading her book and am 3 quarters way through…its an amazing book- highly recommend!

 

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Life is a game analogy -Part 2- Sushi Go Party

 

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Have you heard of this game? I recently played it with some friends over the Easter Long weekend that just passed! It’s actually really really fun…even though I am incredibly bad at it. 

Despite its initial deceptive cuteness and looking like a light hearted game, it can soon become very competitive as we try to win the race to the be the first at the finish line and you also need some sort of maths skills to add and subtract in this game. Upon reflection after playing this game, I believe that this could teach me, and maybe you a life lesson or two.

Before getting into that, I will explain how this game works, for those who haven’t played before!

Each player starts off with seven cards in their hands, then when the game starts you put  down one card you want to keep and pass the rest of your hand to the person on your left. You receive a new hand from the person on your right…and you repeat..choose a card and then pass the rest on. The round finishes when every one has put down 7 cards and there are no more cards being passed around.

The cards all represent different amounts of points you can get or lose and the description of their points is at the bottom. For example, if you have two tempura cards-you get 5 points (if you just have one you get nothing). There are also eight rules that have been decided upon at the start of the game-that is in the middle of the board. These rules decide how much special combinations of cards are worth…also there are also rewards and penalties for having the most of a card or the least. For example, in our first round we had a rule in which the person who had the most Pudding cards got 6 points, the person who had the least had six points deducted off their total score in a round. In another round, we had a rule that who ever collected four special cards over three rounds would get 12 bonus points.

Upon reflection, I think this game can teach you about spending, saving, and thinking about investments. It might be a long stretch, but it requires you to have to think, What is the best way, with the least risk to get the most points.
In real life, I guess we are playing with money, stocks, shares and other investments. There’s a risk that we will lose out if we don’t have insurance or cover for a particular thing… Just like when you see a Pudding Card come around, you have to think is it worth taking one, just so that you might not be the one with the least amount of pudding cards and get six points deducted, or whether or not you take it, it will happen anyway? In life, we have also have to think and consider, should I get health insurance or car insurance, just in case something happens that I do not foresee and I suddenly have to fork out a huge amount of money? I could be winning by purchasing health insurance and actually use it when needed, or maybe I might be losing money as I never needed it…

While I was playing the game, I was quite defensive and not totally confident. My strategy was to try not get points deducted as much as possible…However, I think this is one of the reasons why I did not do so well; in retrospect. I was so focussed on not losing any points, that I actually didn’t gain any or many points. ..I think for a very big proportion of my life has been spent trying to avoid bad things from occurring… Not trying this incase it doesn’t work out, too scared to do that because what if I get hurt…Not willing to take risks on investment, incase I get scammed… I was just so worried about what might happen, that I forgot that if I focused on getting more points in the first place, those deductions would not have made such a great difference either way. Having no points at all, is like trying to survive without money in the real world…:(

Yes, its a risk to get out there and try…Why? Because you might fail. Because people might laugh at you for trying. Because may try to make you feel like you aren’t enough.

But, you know what? The jokes on them, because you took the risk, you might win big and win the game in the end. (Or you might not, but we don’t talk about that.. ) 

If you have a chance~ Go and and Play Sushi Go Party*~

*Warning- Does require at least primary school maths skills levels to play..*

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Work Vs Leisure

Sooo I tried for the first time the Lime-S Scooters that are on almost every corner of the city centre…for those who might not know how they look like..it looks like this:

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These some what stylish scooters have been seen everywhere….in the streets, on the road, on the floor… Finally I got sick of seeing everyone riding them…my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the Lime App and signed myself up!! I was going to see what the big fuss was all about…I mean I used to have a (cheap and low quality) scooters as a kid…what was so special about this bigger, better, and green scooter?

Anyways,  after about 10 minutes of trying to get it to work…it finally worked…and off I went..sorta…I struggled for a long time trying to tighten the helmet…in the end I gave up …left it loose and just hoped it won’t fall off while riding the scooter..

These scooters differ from the cheap scooter I had as a kid…because its an ELECTRIC scooter!! But to be very honest…It was scary pressing the accelerator for the scooter…so I just pushed with my foot because…

  1. There was too many people on the pavement (it IS in the city)
  2. The pathways are not flat…but bumpy… 😦 and I almost fell off.
  3. It’s not smooth…it would jerk forward suddenly

Anyways…. It’s fun. and probably worth the $5 I spent on it for 10 minute joyride…

But it got me thinking….people enjoy using these scooters for fun, as well as transport…but what about our normal modes of transportation?

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^My Toyota Yaris:

But then why do I find it a chore to drive a car to work and to places? I don’t seem to have the same joy I did when writing that Lime scooter. There was no thrill or excitement as I drove past the streets of Adelaide. I am not paying for this experience of driving…but isn’t it funny how we pay money to pretend to drive in driving games…or play games where we are impersonating real life..like running a farm or a restaurant LOL..funny.

Then I thought to myself, why don’t I pretend I am doing this for fun! Let’s pretend this is a game…a game where you get to drive and navigate through the streets of Adelaide…Then I drove down some underpass bridge thing and thought..this is actually a really cool game.

So what do you think about treating like a game? Makes it a bit more enjoyable maybe? =S

Sooo we hit 1000 visitors to this blog :D:D!! We are on track for ultimate growth!!

Thank you for visiting :)) 

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Why we want to look ‘good’

So I had a discussion with a colleague earlier this week about how this particular person always wears suits to work… I have never seen him not wearing a suit to work…It doesn’t matter how hot, or cold it is…you will always find him wearing a suit.

Out of curiosity, I asked “Do you always wear a suit when out?” and he said, “Yes, I never leave my house without wearing a suit”.  I was like “but WHYYY??” and he said, “It makes him feel good” (Or at least I think he said something like that)… I found that to be pretty incredible/admirable! That must take a lot of time and effort to make sure the suit is ironed, not dirty and that everything matches… But then I thought to myself…girls also put an incredible amount of time in order to prepare to go out…I know some people NEVER leave the house without a face full of makeup…does not matter how far, how long, or how close they are going…who they are seeing…nope ALWAYS have to make up on. I put it down to perhaps how confident we feel about how we look…some people rarely/never wear makeup because they are confident in how they look and don’t care about how others will judge them…

I am not one of them sadly…most days I spend at least half an hour (if I get up in time) to straighten my naturally messy hair..covering up my imperfections on my skin and making sure my clothes look neat…but yeah sadly I did not do that today…and I legit look like a hobo ..when I finally looked at myself in the mirror… 😦 I woke up late and was running late to get to somewhere…and yeah I feel so self-conscious…like is everyone looking at me ?? ? …I guess if trying to look good makes us feel more confident, secure…then why not?

Peace and Joy~

 

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Dreams stay dreams when you don’t plan and set goals to achieve…

Another update?… :O but not really…

This post is just in regards to my newly set up page on Gofundme website!! I am hoping if I get enough support I will be able to someday publish my own book -all about ‘Becoming an adult in this modern world’…

The link is here ..!  *Please click-not click bait I swear*

I’ve decided I need to start aggressively (passive aggressively?) start chasing my dream of writing a book, because if I procrastinate forever, when am I every going to get started right? Who knows when I will finally get the motivation to chase after something that seems so hard, no better day than today. I hope that’s the same for you…if we just keep dreaming that some day we will do this, or wait for perfect timing…sometimes its good to be inpatient and just start chasing it…because maybe the perfect timing is now. You’ll never be as young as you are now…so go forth and use your youth!!

Thanks to everyone for your support! Whether you support financially, from the computer, or in spirit, I appreciate all your kind words, time to read this post, and for even clicking on this blog in the first place :)))

It’s almost been one year since this blogs inception and since then my content has changed tremendously…but I hope it can still be relevant and help or touch people in positive ways… Thank you for all the viewers, the likes and my precious followers…yo mean the world to me :)))

Peace and Joy ❤