Depression

Where the world is all colours of grey, black, lacking colour.

Everything is bleak, mundane, routine, and boring.

Everyone else seems to be happy, colourful, blissful, it hurts my eyes to see.

Socialising is too hard, requires too much effort , too much energy.

You feel like you are being swallowed up in darkness and you can see no way out. How did you even get yourself here?

You feel trapped and see no way out, you can’t find a way out :(.

You forgot how to smile, how to life, how to enjoy the small things.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

This week has been an incredibly hard one. Time after time new challenges are popping up and my reserve for dealing with them have become so low. My ability to problem solve and to manage my time has absolutely disappeared without a trace. Has it always been so hard? Are things always so tough to manage. Why do things never seem to go my way? I am so close to giving up, so close to throwing in the towel, so close to closing this chapter of my life. Can anyone give me a reason not to quit? Why am I even doing this to myself? There are so many questions I have, but no one can seem to provide me with any answers. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, if it is, then some thing has got to be wrong…

From a tired soul.

Taking time to appreciate the Sky

I left work only half an hour late today, for the first time since forever. I saw the sky still lit up so pretty. I was in awe. Was it always so pretty? I’ve been staying at work late into the night, so the sky always has been black and dark.

It’s funny how you dont notice the beauty that’s around you when all you can see, feel, and hear is the problems going in the world, in your own life, in health and work.

There’s gotta be more in life than work… but at the moment I feel I am becoming consumed and engrossed in just work. It was so unbearable today I developed a headache 😭😭😭

Assertiveness, efficiency, attention to detail, timelessness, safety, how can you do all of above and please everyone?😭

How to Survive Winter in Melbourne

Living through my first Winter in Melbourne, I had to make some changes 🥶… especially since I came from Adelaide which is more often than not, hotter rather than cold.

1. Get a really thick and warm quilt cover or throw. You are gonna need it if you want to he able to sleep through the night in the cold!

2. Get an electric blanket to heat up your blankets 1-2 hours before sleeping! Get the ones that auto turn off, just incase you forget to switch it off. when I get in bed, its amazing! The bed is already warmed up for you! Really feels like a kotatsu if you know what that is!!!

3. Get a nice thermos to keep hot water near you at all times! Nothing warms you up like some hot water, why drink normal room temperature ever again?

4. Get loads and loads of super moisturising handcream!!! The freezing cold makes my hands even more dry and peel than ever…:(

5. Same goes with moisturising your whole hody especially after a shower… otherwise you’ll get itchy!

6. Invest in a small portable heating fan just for the shower to help you not die of hypothermia after getting out of the shower.

7. Make sure you have plenty of fluffy towels and spares! As your towels might dry in time before the next time you need them.

8. Have plenty of instant soups or teas available when you need to be warmed up.

This is just my list of things I do to keep warm during winter! Do you guys have your own?

Being a Pharmacy Resident

Someone asked me today, is it worth becoming a pharmacy resident? Well here are some pros and cons.

Pros:

1. Your contract is usually longer than everyone else’s. A residency is usually two years long, so your contract is basically the same.

2. It looks good on your resume that you completed some sort of “qualification” during this time. It can detail that you are sort of well rounded in the different areas of pharmacy, for example we all do a stint in operational pharmacy, surgical, medical, and an elective rotation.

3. You are appointed an “official preceptor” whom you can ask for help whenever you need in each rotation. Usually it’s the same person that id your Team Leader.

4. You get to be involved in a lot more things whether you like it or not, for example you are part of committees, take it in turn to look after quality boards, conduct presentations and can put your hand up for extra training as a resident.

Cons:

1. People might talk behind your back or judge you for getting one of those ‘coveted residency’ positions as they are far fewer than the normal advertised contracted roles.

2. You have to conduct a research project AND it is basically all in your own time as well. So week nights, lunch breaks, weekends, any free time basically. I absolutely detest research after doing my honours project 😰😰😰.

3. The support that you thought you would get wasn’t actually as good as you thought it would be unfortunately.

4. There are so many extra things you have to do as an resident… as mentioned earlier, not only do you have to present in each rotation, you also have to participate in the committees, do assessments during work, get people to do surveys about you… Basically, a lot more on your plate than the average worker.

I am almost mid way through my residency, and in summary… despite stressing so much my hair falls out, I really did get an opportunity to learn so much while doing this residency. My eyes have been open to so many types of medicines and procedures I haven’t heard about before. In my old hospital, I asked so many times if I could learn clinical pharmacy and they always gave me the same excuses, your contract isn’t long enough to train you up. Etc, etc.

And that’s why I stayed back twice this week until 8pm doing ‘residency’ stuff.. since we are in lock down anyways, it didn’t really matter… it’s almodt like I locked myself down haha…

Melbourne Lockdown #5

Welp, I stopped reading the news for a few days and nekminit we are in lockdown again. It starts tonight at midnight and hopefully finishes this Tuesday.

It was bound to happen I guess due to the current outbreak in Sydney who is our neighbour 😅😅😅.

It is what it is I guess! I took this whole week off from playing badminton to rest my arm, which has become super sore from overuse at badminton. Post the Lockdown #4, I went straight back into playing my usual amount of Badminton… but I think that was way too much for me and the soreness never went away.

Now lockdown has fully taken away all my freedom! This kind of sucks as I have an accrued day off this Tuesday… but, it is what it is. I guess its time to knuckle down and work on my assessments and do some self study.

Will keep you updated how this lockdown goes 🙏🏻

2021 Bucket List weekly progress

1. I went to a trial class to learn the Japanese instrument the Koto. I honestly was inspired to learn after accidentally stumbling across the track ‘Tenkyuu’ from the anime ‘Kono oto omare”. You should listen if you haven’t! If you know me, I get easily moved by music, anime, and art… and it really spurs me on to try and do different things. It was only a 30 minute lesson and I was nervous as hell, so much technique and quick thinking is needed. However, the music sheets are easier to read than I imagined! We go off numbers (Japanese numbers) and there are still 4 beats ro a bar. I love how music and magic seem to go hand in hand… I am excited for my next lesson on Saturday, but I need to think how I will practice?? I don’t own a koto… and renting one.. where am I going to put it ?? My studio apartment is tinyyyyyy 🥲🥲🥲…anyways, other costs that are involved is the picks that you need to put on your right thumb, right index, and right middle finger. These need to fit onto your fingers properly to allow the clear sound… I have to say the sound of the koto is as beautiful as it is through my phone. I feel like, I am entranced by the sound that comes through. It’s different to when I play the guitar, and I am mostly strumming to sing…

2. Post koto lesson, I decided to also start on another goal in my bucket list for this year. Ot learn to play a new sport…not really new, but I haven’t played in ages, I classify it is new. TABLE TENNIS. I bought my own racket guys! It is a small start?!?! Now to find a social to join to play…I’ll keep you posted… it was $45 for the racket and the rubbers. So basically, I asked for a beginners racket, and they said there are ones where they already have the rubbers stuck on , but its mostly for kids. The better ones and more expensive ones are the ones you buy the blade (wooden part) by itself and then you buy the rubbers separately. The rubbers are coloured red and black, apparently they MuSt be different colours, I wasn’t sure exactly why..?!?!? Some rule from table tennis?!!? Anyways, the dude in the shop was like I will stick the rubbers for you and also stick something on the sides and provide a clear film that you have to stick on the rubbers after you clean it after playing. I always see my mum having the plastic stuck on her rubbers, I always thought she just didn’t want to throw away the plastic 🤣 who knew she did it to protect her rubbers?!?!

Josee, the Tiger, and the fish

Just watched this movie today, it was the first time I watched a movie in Melbourne! We were a bit late to the movie, so we missed the first part of the movie… but yes, I highly recommend watching. There aren’t enough anime that talk about disabilities in my opinion, and this movie does portray the unique perspective of a young woman who needs a wheelchair to mobilise.

It reminded me of my studies of disability studies and how there is such a big gap between “able-bodied” and people with a disability. It was a such a bittersweet story and I felt like I went through a whirlwind of emotions while watching.

Slow down

A patient of mine told me to, SLOW DOWN. My job gets repetitive after doing the classic antibiotic and pain killers talk for the 100th time during this rotation.

I haven’t realised that I have gone 100 miles per hour, until a person from a non-English speaking country told me to “SLOW DOWN”. And I stopped, I really do go TOO FAST. Maybe due to the workload, partly because I am an inpatient person. I always want to be fast, effective, and try to do everything. But, I realised, what is the point in doing all this? To achieve everything so soon… to work yourself into a sweat trying to bend your head over for someone who really doesn’t care?

My goal from now on, is to slow down, take a deep breath and ask myself, “Why am I rushing”? What for? Am I late? Then I should change my habits and start being early. Am I not going to get things done? Then maybe it’s time to ask for help or see what else can be streamlined, prioritised to be done later.

Life flies by, and then you realised you haven’t even stopped to smell the flower, enjoy the food, make some friendships. What happened to me that all I became was someone so focused on goals, achievements, and I slowly became someone without a soul, perhaps coming off rude, and a loner.

Bucket list for 2021

I have started reading a webtoon all about bucket lists…but I realised I never seem to keep track or remember what I put down…

So my list for the remainder of 2021 is to:

-Take classes to learn a new instrument! Recently I have taken an interest in the Japanese harp-like instrument, the koto…I have enquired about classes.

-Play a new sport! The only sports I play now is Badminton…and I guess when you are super comfortable with a sport, you might not want to try other sports.. well for me anyways. After asking my friends, I found out a colleague who plays table tennis and have contacts/places to play….

Work on my personality, in particular-to treat everyone like a friend. Not a close friend, but like a friend. A recent random encounter with a rude person, made me reflect on what kind of person I am and what others may perceive I am. But, like someone once said, you never know who you are being rude too.

Travel somewhere I’ve never been to before. This one, I kinda have done on my own to Phillip Island and hopefully I will make my way up to the snow this year??

Assertiveness. I am always saying yes, to the point I get angry and grumpy about it. I overthink too much about what others may think of me. I am going to practice saying no, and I’ll start with small steps and saying now to people wanting to steal my weekend shifts 😒😒😒…I need the money too!!!

Be a better friend to my existing friends. Being there for them, spending time to catch up with them, and overall just strengthening existing friendships. Both in Adelaide and Melbourne.

A decision on a house….!! By the end of this year …hoping to either.

1. Have a mortgage and living in a house/apartment in Melbourne / have saved up 100k by end of 2021 for a deposit

2. Investment property in Adelaide

3. Moved out to a bigger place that allows pets/own furniture

I think this is all that comes into mind at 11pm on a Weeknight. Have you made a bucketlist for yourself?

A country bumpkin at heart

Can’t believe I am almost hitting one year since I moved to Melbourne! I am almost forgetting what my life was like back in Adelaide.. what did I do at night? Where did I go on weekends?

I went to the biggest shopping centre in Melbourne today, and it was super busy… sooo difficult to find a car park :(. I didn’t remember it being this hard to find a park last time! I can’t remember when I last went… but it took me a good 30 minutes to find a park… and I took photos of where I parked just incase I forgot.

I was in a rush because I thought that the shopping centre would close at 5pm, as it does back in my hometown. However, I have since learned that it does NOT close at 5pm, but rather at 8pm on weekends. Amazing. They have learnt the secret that humans love shopping until late… it sounded surreal to me! Literally, all stores except some grocery stores close at 5 pm in Adelaide…

It still feels like a dream living in Melbourne 😌😌

Working at Covid Vaccine Clinic

Today was my first shift at the covid vaccine clinic! My role was to support the people who were drawing up the doses from the multi dose vials for the Pfizer vaccine. I labelled up the syringes with their expiry dates which is calculated from when the syringe was taken out of the fridge. Each syringe can be kept out of the fridge for 6 hours at room temperature.

It was a bit mundane at times, but it helped having a nice team of people to chat to and having background music played by one of the pharmacy students.

It was really nice to do something different from my usual Monday to Friday job in the hospital where it is high stressed, fast moving, and stress+++. This job possibly could be done half a sleep, but it is still an important job to do.

They were very careful about exactly how many vials that were used and all vials and syringes had to be accounted for at the end of the day. It was amazing to see so many people turn up for vaccines, I reckon collectively we prepared and administered around 2000 covid vaccines today.

Today it was a day that nurses and pharmacists actually worked together to deliver another successful vaccine day.

An additional perk of working at the covid clinic was that they were well stocked with snacks, drinks, instant soups for us. There were single wrapped kitkats, biscuits, cheese, and I loved the little packs of fresh apple juice (just like the ones from the planes).

I am not sure when my next shift is, but I am looking forward to the free snacks 🤣and that i can do a job that doesn’t stress and age me too much, but still get good pay. 😌

Embrace Loneliness

I believe you have to embrace being alone. It’s so true how you can be around people, yet feel so alone and isolated.

And when you are alone, you can feel like no one in the world cares about you, if you suddenly disappeared without a trace. If something happened to you, no one would notice, because you are all alone.

Yet, the sounds of people talking too loudly about things you don’t care about, can make you wish for peace and quiet.

So in the moment, appreciate you are alone. You don’t have to make small talk, you don’t have to ask how their day was. Just relax knowing you can eat when you want, sleep when you want, go out and do something you want to on your own. No need to consult with anyone else or what they think. Life is freedom to do whatever you want.

Yet sometimes, society makes you feel bad for being alone. Life and society wasn’t designed for people who are alone. It’s like the loners are shunned in the world.

Road Kill

100 km/h road..

I swear I was going only 80 km/h

Nevertheless it was still too fast, too furious, I was too slow

All I saw was huge eyes shocked to see my headlights coming

I thought I had fast reflexes, but I thought run

A sickening crunch, the car rattled, and shook

Is he dead? I am not sure, there’s no way to stop

I took a life today.

I am a murderer..

I am guilty.

And I am going to go slower now

I am so sorry

RIP

All the Reminders of the Memories

Now that you are gone, all I have left is fragments of moments in times that are embedded into my memory.

There are so many triggers to the reminiscing that takes place.. It can be a smell, a song, an image, a place.. everything reminds me of you

It’s like the world doesn’t want me to forget you, but I NEED to forget you. How can I move on when I am constantly living in the past?

I hope these feelings of sadness will not last.

Did the bed always feel so cold? Was food always so tasteless? Was life always this mundane?

You lighted up my bleak world with colour, flashing lights, and bells… but now it is quiet once again.

I can only move on when I make fresh memories, try new places, meet more people.

Does a place exist where nothing reminds me of you?