Feeling Dry

Contrary to the title of this post, Melbourne has been rainy and wintery all week. However, I am dry and dehydrated..I have mouth ulcers in my mouth, my skin is dry and bleeding, and overall I feel unwell. But, I can’t explain why I am unwell. I feel guilty that I feel sick and so so tired.

I am feeling my zest in life is slowly fading. I feel dizzy when I play badminton…I am scared that I will injure myself once again. What are hobbies again? Everything just is hard to concentrate when I feel like I need to continue working

I am aware that I am thinking about work was too much…even on my lunch breaks and at home, I am checking my email constantly. My team leader calls me before and after work…It’s just ongoing and infiltrating my life and it is mostly my fault. I always take on too much and too often, I never learn my lesson but I love the exhilaration of being on so many committees and so many projects. But spare time is no longer mine. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and let others help.

When did I become so bad for asking for help? When did I become so independent? It must be pride, arrogance, and distrust…

Things need to change, I can’t go on like this in fear that I will crash and burn.

On Sharemarkets

I met up yesterday with a few friends who have also gotten into the sharemarket recently. We shared our resources such as books, podcasts, movies on what we have been using to learn more about the stock market and what we have heard in our ‘research’. We discussed what we should buy, what we have bought, and what we are thinking of selling.

Who would have thought I would have been interested in the stock market 2 years ago? It always seemed ‘too complicated’ for me and seemed like an ‘adult and foreign’, risky and troublesome area to get into. I stuck with safe things like Bank Long-term deposits, saving accounts, and just worked and tried to save as much as I could.

Low risk = Low returns. That’s the way life is, if you don’t take a risk then you are less likely to gain more. Yes, the stock market can be quite volatile… the cost of something can swing depending on what time of the day it is…and it can seem like you are losing Or gaining a lot of money in a short period of time. But the truth is, you aren’t gaining or losing unless you sell the stock. You can keep holding onto a stock in the hopes that it will rise up once again. ..or alternatively you can choose to sell it and lose less than you woudl have if the company takes a downturn and becomes worth next to nothing.

I guess there is always going to be a risk in every you do. I have heard it being said a few times, “It is not about the timing of the market, but the time in the market”. 

You can only start earning when you start investing and building, growing and diversifying. But I think at the same time, you should always have an emergency fund of money to access in case something like a loss of income should occur,

Impostor Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is thinking that you aren’t qualified or good enough when in a position or when applying for one…but in fact you are. I guess it may tie in with having an inferiority complex…thinking others are always better than yourself.

I believe many working professionals are in the same boat as me…thinking and feeling that they have no idea what they are doing and are worried that someday someone will expose them for the fraud that they are.

No matter how many exams I have passed or feedback that I receive…I always feel like I am ‘Pretending to be a pharmacist‘. Pretending to know more than I do not. Our minds and our worries trick us to thinking that we are the only one who is feeling that way…but that is not true. Sure, some people may seem like they are naturally ‘born’ with talents and traits that may lead them to be good at something. But surely, they would have most likely had to work very hard to get there and perhaps they also feel like they are pretending as well.

Fake it till you make it. That’s what people advise you to do…but it’s hard you know..it’s scary pretending to be something you are not, but actually you are. I believe it’s particularly bad when you are about to start a new position that requires you to have prior experience and skills already…it makes you feel like your prior knowledge and experiences isn’t enough and indeed that is how I am feeling moving into my next position. I know it won’t be easy, but I know one thing is that I will work hard and do my best. Because, as someone once said, if it was easy, then everyone would be doing it.

 

 

Priorities in Life

I think I have said it before, but there is a time and place for everything.

There is a time to save, a time to spend, a time to invest, a time to just work your ass off.

Everyone harps on about work-life balance, but what and who really determines what value you put on each area? Is there a perfect number? I think it is more a subjective thing and it will change through the seasons of your life.

I believe our priorities change as we grow…In high school, all I ever wanted to do was graduate and be done with school. Then in Uni, I just wanted so badly to pass my exams and to finish my course. I started working and then all I could think about is how much I missed my friends at uni and all the free time I used to have.

People my age are getting married, having kids, working and planning their life.

I suppose it comes down to our values to what we think is important and that occupies our time.

Quiet Before the Storm

After six months of working 6-7 days a week. Suddenly I am back to one day a week.

Scary. What should I do with all this spare time?

Of course I need to job hunt and keep doing interviews.

But, still so much time.

So I have a few things I am thinking to work on or do during this time.

  1. Being able to cook edible, easy, and semi-healthy meals for myself.
  2. Make sure I am up to date with my CPD (Continuing Professional Development) points for this year! We need to complete 40 CPD points as a year as a pharmacist.
  3. Aim to update daily with quality on this blog! This will include scheduled and unscheduled posts.
  4. Start doing recorded live interviews for my (almost forgotten) podcast! I have a few ideas of regular everyday people that I want to interview for my podcast.
  5. Work out 4 times a week and lose that post-covid 19 fat T_T!!
  6. Catch up with my nephew, sister, aunty, and uncle!
  7. Try to grow something. Flowers, cucumber, Carrot. Anything. Except mold. No Mold please.
  8. Think and plan my goals for the rest of the year and next year. I.e. financial goals, Shares goals, and etc.
  9. Finally have some time to clear out the junk in the kitchen, bathroom, and do I even want to touch the living room?!
  10. Get in some solid restful sleep.  CHILLAX. Destress and hopefully my resting heart rate will go back down to ~60  instead of the 72 it is now 😦

 

Here’s hoping that I will make the most of the time I have between now and my next job… 🙂

The end of a chapter and the start of the next

The cogs of change are changing again and life as I had known it for the last 9 months , funny how it started as a 4 week gig. When did it change? When did I stop caring, stop striving, and lost my focus?

I think I did bring it upon myself…too scared to let go of what is safe and what is familiar and immerse myself into the unknown. I am not sure if that is partly the reason why I find myself in this predicament. But then ironically, I prove myself right. It didn’t work out, but at least I have a some form of security in knowing that I have the second job while looking for something new.

It’s scary. Not knowing what my future will be like. But hey, this has been happening every few months before a contract ends. I still remember the terror and anxiety I felt when my first contract was almost ending…I was worried did I make a good impression? I’ve always worked hard and did my best to be nice to everyone. But I guess when you so hard and with no recognition, you start feeling under appreciated, tired, stressed, and burdened. Too scared to complain because you want to be chosen to stay there, yet everyday feels harder than the day before.

This good bye was inevitable. There are regrets, but there are also moments where I had a confidence that I did not have before and I am proud that this difficult situation developed that in me. Standing up for my rights and of others is something that I strive to do. I think it has something to do with respecting yourself and speaking up when something things off or wrong. Working in a mental health institution has always been a goal of mine and I have fulfilled that and believe this was be a stepping stone into something greater.

Apparently, with this company there will be an exit interview…this is not something I have done before, despite working in so many places previously. There is so many things I want to say, but I need to be careful of saying anything too bad,  because I need this people to be referees. There is never a way to win is there? Better to leave on good times than bad. I am both scared, yet also looking forward to a change of scenery. Bring on the last 3 weeks of full time work…

Stay Tuned for updates

Time of Adjustment

In my hometown, our level of social activities is ALMOST back to normal. There are some limitations to large gatherings still, however restaurants, pubs, cinemas, galleries, and sports centres are now open. I ventured into Chinatown for the first time in months today, and boy did it hit me how much I hated searching for a park, and walking past crowds of people. Are people still social distancing? Hell no. As much as they play over the loud speakers the reminders about social distancing, no one is paying attention and no one is even enforcing the rule.

It’s strange, I miss the quietness of the roads and streets…

Isn’t funny how you miss going out, when you can’t? But when you can go out, you don’t feel like it anymore. But anyways, at least people are able to go back to work and earn a living…

Life is a funny thing, isn’t it?

Well, I complain now,  but someday when border restrictions are lifted and we can fly overseas again, I’ll be a happy chap. Let’s hope I still feel like going when it does happen…

Credit Card Woes

I have had my credit card for less than a month..and oh BOY they really do a great job of trying to trap you to spend more than you earn. :(. I think I have spent more money in the last month than I have in this year so far…that’s terrible :(. But I guess, I try to reason with myself, these things are necessary…but are they really?

Did I really need to splurge on the newest iphone model, or could I have gotten a cheaper but older model? Did I really need to get that fancy epilator with 5 different ways to use? Did I really need to get my car serviced at TOYOTA when I could have done it way cheaper anywhere else?!!? As I think of my spending habits and question whether I am wasting money…I think it has made me rethink my choices. I understand why some people can max out their credit cards…it’s just so easy..Just pay wave this, pay wave that. You don’t see the money come out of your account straight away, so you think you can spend a bit more. It’s ADDICTIVE and you tell yourself, it’s okay…I can get points for every dollar I spend! You think about the long run about what you are saving up for. But are you really?!?! IF YOU ARE SPENDING MORE THAN YOU SAVE?

So many questions. But anyways, I have got my first statement from my credit card and I am pleased to say I have paid it off. But, this month’s bill is gonna be huge 😦 eeks.

Be careful guys, staying at home makes it so much easier to buy things online that we might not need!  Just rethink if you will regret the decision later.. >.<

Recipe for Burnout

Covid is a great excuse to become burnout in my opinion. Asides from work, I usually make time to go to the gym around 3 times a week for classes and try to play badminton 1-2 times a week. I would visit my elderly Aunt and Uncle whenever I had time and also visit my sister and her baby whenever I could. Due to Covid restrictions, badminton, gym, and social outings were gone from the calendar and I didn’t visit my aunt and uncle as much because I could be a risk to them. Take away all the things I did out of work, it just left me with work..and more work. Oh yeah, also study… I am almost finishing my graduate certificate in disability studies…

If anything, I had to work more hours, longer days without break. So of course, I am not a great machine that can keep going and going. I stopped working. Literally. Couldn’t work, because I had become so sick. Sick of the unpaid overtime, sick of not being able to say no to an extra shift because I felt guilty, sick of looking after sick people. It’s a real thing.. this vicarious trauma…

Due to the stress at work, I was so exhausted when I got home, but I would still force myself to do some work out. Gone were all the things that I had preached on this blog and to others… Healthy Eating habits? I craved and gave into KFC every time the migraines came back…I have never spent so much money on SNACKS and they aren’t all healthy snacks either :(. I have been so busy at work, I don’t even drink enough water because that would mean having to go to the toilet!! I am just overeating snacks… and it’s terrible! I’ve also been splurging on things I don’t necessarily need with my new credit card.. Oh..what I have done.

Anyways, I am not writing all this JUST to complain about my situation, because I know we have it pretty good in Australia. It will get better, I hope, because the situation is ever changing! Just as fast as we were put into restrictions, the restrictions are being lifted faster than I imagined too. Life will become better soon. But until then..Just keep fighting on, because it can only get better from now.  Take time to look after your mental health, have you done something just for you today?

Maybe, it’s okay, that I am acting the way I am now…As long as I realise that I can’t stay like that forever! Now that I am aware, I will be more conscious when I go pass KFC or purchase something I REALLY do not need.

Pandemic Ponderings

Just reflecting on how life is changing in the last few days have made me realise how much I have changed during this pandemic. Prior to the pandemic which led to a toilet paper shortage in Australia, I have never tried using a flushable toilet wipe. I have always been a plain jane toilet paper user…I am not even game to use those fancy bidet toilets in Japan…I’ve just been a big toilet paper fan (till now). However, this pandemic has made me discover the wonders and the satisfaction of using a flushable wipe, especially after a heavy meal (if you know you know).

Since toilet paper has been back on shelves, for some ODD REASON I can’t find the flushable wipes as easily in the supermarkets anymore! I am hooked! But, obviously, the supermarket may have decreased buying the wipes since toilet paper is back. Instead of the toilet paper hunt, I am not hunting for these sacred flushable wipes. Oh so expensive, but as it says on the box, ‘Leaves you feeling Shower-Fresh’. If you haven’t tried it before, you really should get your hands on some and then you will understand what I mean. Contrary to some people’s fears, I don’t believe they block the toilet drain, I could be wrong but they are supposed to ‘disperse’ in water somehow.

Another pondering that I have, is whether or not I still need my gym membership!?! I have my own yoga mat now and I have cleared out enough space in my room to do exercise AND cleared enough photos from my mirror to be able to see through it. It’s so comfortable and easy to work out from home with Blogpilates or some other Youtube Instructor… I feel like life is going to start changing back to how it was and I feel like it will take time to adjust to ANOTHER new normal again…

Though I miss seeing my friends at badminton gatherings, to be honest. Not much has changed, I didn’t go out much before and I don’t go out now. BUT I guess during the pandemic, there is less FOMO for me because everyone else is staying in too. HAHA? In a way, it’s a plus.

I am going to be taking my first exam online through a Proctor Website which is going to be exciting and scary…but a new experience none the less.

I have also confirmed that indeed my thumb is not green and is probably black. The seedling that I planted in my front garden, has not been able to sprout! I think it possibly has died!?!?  Ohwell, at least I tried. A for Effort.

I have learnt that there are many more shops I can avoid going into, by shopping online and taking advantage of their FREE SHIPPING!! Many websites have lowered minimum buy to qualify for free shipping!! I just feel like it saves a lot of time, rather than going into a shop and realising they don’t have what you want..!

I’ve also had a few phone calls from the GP instead of proper face to face meetings and I actually don’t find it too bad! It can be a bit awkward with the unexplained sudden silences, but it is much more convenient for someone as time-poor as me.

 

These are the things I have learnt and experienced for the first time during Covid-19, how has your life changed?

The Covid-19 Apocalypse

This Covid-19 has allowed our minds to run wild and to jump to many of us having irrational thoughts and behaviors. Once the pandemic dies down, I can already imagine all the films and movies that will be made about this Pandemic that took over the world. I’ve been thinking my pitch for a science-fiction documentary titled the “The Covid-19 Apocalypse“.


 

It’s December 2019, while most of the world are celebrating the festive Christmas season and spending time with their loved ones, people in Wuhan, China are fearing for their lives. A strange new virus, now known as the Covid-19 has been sweeping through the Wuhan and leaving countless of people to die. The virus can be spread even if people are asymptomatic, leaving people to fear for their lives when among other people. There is currently no cure or treatment for this virus and the virus does not pick or choose who it will infect. At this stage, the virus gets very little coverage and it seems like its a virus only affecting this location in China at the moment, the world is not ready for what is to come. Little do they know, that this virus originating from one province in China, will soon be spread to every country in the world and lead to the what I call the Covid-19 Apocalypse.

….

It’s March 2020, in Adelaide, South Australia. The city is still in lock down and boy has my life changed. The message from the leader of Australia is clear, “STAY AT HOME” ,”WASH YOUR HANDS”, and “GET TESTED IF YOU SHOW ANY SYMPTOMS OF THE VIRUS”. Gone are the handshakes, hugs, kisses, any type of physical affection is banned. Restaurants are closed, any type of entertainment places are closed, universities and schools are closed, basically this town is a ghost town. It is almost like there an apocalypse going on, WAIT, just let me look up the definition of apocalypse, I think this DOES count as an apocalypse. The people more anxious have already hoarded all the toilet paper from the super markets, canned food, hand sanitisers, soups, flour, eggs, there is global medication shortages…people are believing, this is it. This is the end of the world. Panic and anxiety is wide-spread, people showing their true colours…Some are selfish only thinking of themselves and their family, others show kindness even among their own hardships and difficulties. How long will this last for? How long can we last not seeing our loved ones? How long will the mental health state for those isolated be able to handle this? When will this all end?

….

Not Everyone is cut out to become a Parent

Once a couple has been married a few years, the natural questions they most commonly will be asked is, “So when are you having kids?”. Our current society has this expectation of young couples to start families, ASAP. However, we are often forgetting that life just gets busier and busier. People are more focussed on building their careers, travelling the world, and doing other great things, it’s hard to stop and try to fit having kids in there. I solemnly believe that having kids is not everyone’s cup of tea…It might be the right thing for one couple, but shouldn’t be expected for every couple out there.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate kids. I absolutely LOVE playing with my nephew or other people’s kids. I used to serve as a Sunday School teacher for many years…people know I love kids and I am good with them, but that does not necessarily mean I will or want to have my own kids. There is a difference in playing with kids during their happiest times and not having enough sleep for the last 3 months because your kid will not stop crying in the middle of the night. There are so many things that are more important in my life at this time and kids don’t fit into the equation. I am working in two jobs, studying a graduate certificate, and also working on this blog, and ideas for my book. I just can’t imagine having time to fit in kids as well and I think that is absolutely fine. Right now, I am still saving up money to buy my own home. I don’t know how I will be able to afford to raise a child, let alone be able to send them to school, and pay for all those additional expenses. Not everyone will make a great parent, some parents are too selfish and won’t look after their kids properly and this leads to some kids getting abused, blamed, and neglected, their parents shouldn’t have kids. Just because you gave birth to a child, doesn’t mean you will always love them and this is why so many kids end up in foster care, orphanages, and on the streets. 

 

In saying that, I have friends whose biggest goal and dream in life are to become a great mother or father. They feel like it is their life purpose to have kids and to make sure that they turn out alright. The human population would slowly die out if we didn’t have kids, it means there will be no younger workforce to look after the elderly and to take up laborious jobs that older people can’t do. The younger generation is our future and I agree it is important to have kids, but the world is already overpopulated in a way and in developing countries, it is a big issue and that is why China implemented the ‘One-Child Policy’ for a period of time to reduce overpopulation in China. Parents and Grandparents often encourage their children and grandchildren to produce offspring because that is what their grandparents and parents wanted from them. Yes, it is good to have kids, but not everyone should have them.

 

I believe you need to have a calling to be a parent. It’s not for everyone and it is not for me. I love kids, however, I can’t imagine revolving my whole life around the raising of the child and blaming myself if they didn’t turn out well. While the majority of heterosexual couples will probably end up having kids, I think it is absolutely fine not to have kids and instead chase your dream career or other aspirations.

 

Positive Points of the Pandemic

How are you guys? I hope you are doing well? Wherever in the world, you may be at the moment. I was really surprised after posting the previous post about things to do in the Pandemic at home…I had a 4000% increase in viewers of my website o.O!? And the majority of them were from America!! That’s amazing that this humble little blog from a small city in Australia has been visited by so many International guests from around the world. Anyways, I understand now is a time where it can be hard to remember to be grateful for the small things that we still have. I am not trying to say that I am glad this pandemic happened, but I want to point out the things we have learnt and the unusual positive consequences that have arisen from it. If I don’t laugh in the face of adversity, I will cry…so why not laugh?

 

  • I have never seen petrol prices so low as it is now!! In my 29 years of life,…I have neverrr seen it so low! the lowest I have seen it around is 80 cents per litre! That’s supppper cheap… The average cost is usually around $1.30 per litre for Unleaded 91 petrol.
  • I have saved money on petrol not only because it is cheap, but also due to the social distancing restrictions, I have literally nowhere to go after work -except back home! No more driving to badminton or to the gym…or to visit my sister..or shopping etc. So one tank of fuel lasts for a loonnnggg time. Due to people using less petrol for their cars and fewer flights, I guess that’s good for the environment…!
  • I have saved money because I can’t fly anywhere…so even though I have the travel bug, there is a reason why I shouldn’t/can’t fly at the moment. I am super grateful I was still able to go on my trip and come back safely from New Zealand before all the travel restrictions and quarantine rules kicked in Australia. Super super grateful!
  • I have a legit excuse to skip the gym after work … xD I am usually pretty hard on myself and force myself to go, whether I feel like it or not! But, now with the gym closed, I am forced instead to take walks during lunch or after work and enjoy nature. I am finding out all sorts of cute and quirky things in my neighbourhood.
  • As a pharmacist, I always felt like our profession was always undervalued,
    forgotten, and underutilised. Through this pandemic, there have been so many changes to the rules that have allowed pharmacists more authority than ever before to exercise their clinical expertise more than any other time before. It is also highly recognised that pharmacists who are administering influenza vaccines to the public are helping to decrease the burden on the already overflowing GP clinics. We have also been given the (temporarily) authority to change strengths and forms of prescription items so that supply can be given to the patient without prior approval by the GP. Emergency supplies of medication to people who can’t get into their GP have also been approved in certain circumstances.

 

  • Random Strangers have been more friendly and strike up conversations. I remember when I first heard of the toilet paper shortage, I went to the grocery store and bought two small packs. The random stranger next to me asked me why was everyone buying toilet paper… I said, “I don’t know, but I am just going to buy some in case!”.

 

  •  I have never appreciated the supermarket workers as much as I do now and also never felt appreciated as much as now…With their friendly smiles and small talk, it is pleasant to make small talk with them. In particular, the supermarket near my hospital has been giving away free soup to the hospital, police, and emergency workers. I later went to purchase some items after work and told the checkout assistant that I loved the free soup I got today and she said she was extremely grateful for the hard work that we do. I said, “I appreciate you guys immensely too!”. Because I do, without those workers going in every day to fill the stock, we would have no food to eat! In addition, today, I called Medicare to ask about concession and safety net entitlement cards for a patient and the man I spoke to said, “Stay Safe!” at the end of the conversation…I know these are small things and they are from people I don’t know, it just feels nice to know that people do care about each other. I know these are really small things, but they really do…

 

  • Being grateful for a normal life. After this pandemic, I will always remember how good it will be to meet friends, to go to the gym, to play badminton… to attend concerts, do exams, fly overseas…All of these things that I have taken for granted for so many years… I will be super grateful to be able to do all those things again! #grateful

 

  • EVERYTHING IS SOOOO CLEANNNNNN! I love it. We’ve never been as aware of cleanliness till now. Maybe it is just me, (as you can see in my post about being a germaphobe), but I am glad there is hand sanitiser everywhere and supermarkets having gloves for us to use! I like the idea of having personal space of 1.5 metres between everyone…coz even before I hate hearing people breathe loudly near me or get into my special personal space …xD … My dad is guilty of not washing his hands after going to the toilet, thanks to this pandemic I have stressed the importance of washing your hands for at least 20 seconds and using soup! If you haven’t already seen it, you should the video on how to handwash -the proper way by WHO.

 

  • I’ll put the video link here:

 

Stay safe and wash your hands (properly)!!

Update: A New look & CoronaWorries

As you can see, I’ve been playing around with the blog a bit and even made a logo… I’ve paid for an actual website address! So you can now visit the site on www.howtoadultwithjoy.com  !! I hope to do more updates (now that most of outside work activities have been cancelled/postponed) and will and have been working on my book as well (More mentioned later)!

How is everyone doing with the Coronavirus? I’ve been touching base with family and friends all over the world and it seems that it has affected every single person I have spoken to so far…From Japan to Canada, and to Calfornia… The virus has spread all over the world…It is very much here in Australia as well, the number of new cases is rising steadily and in response, our governments have put in tough new measures to curb the virus. As mentioned last time, the social distancing continues to apply and just yesterday night the Prime Minister announced that all pubs, clubs, entertainment venues, gyms, indoor sporting places, and churches will be closed from midday today. This means basically I have no social life…because the only other thing I do besides work and study is exercise at the gym or play badminton. However, I have decided to use the time that I usually spend on exercise to do other things at home…such as working on my blog, planning my future book, and I have started playing the guitar again!! Having experienced ONE OK ROCK live in a concert…I am so motivated to learn and play their songs! It had been over a year since I played the guitar last…and at that time I really wanted to do a cover of the song ‘Yellow’ the Chinese version featured the movie ‘Crazy Rich Asians’.

I hope for everyone else that is in self-isolation (like my sister and her family who have just come home from Japan), will be able to work on those hobbies and things that they have put aside for so long! May you also learn some new skills! I have friends that are doing virtual gym classes online in their rooms and they said they had a good work out! There are many things we can learn and continue to do even at home. I guess now is a good time to be an introvert. :).

I’ve always thought I was an introvert that doesn’t like meeting up with other people and going out…but since these rules have been put into place, I have finally realised how much I miss going out and doing the things I am used to. May we take some time to reflect on where we are and what we hope to learn from this challenging time. I hope everyone can remember to keep in touch with each other and check up on your elderly/vulnerable friends and see if you can help them in any way. We are social distancing and that does not mean being socially isolated!

My thoughts go out to those who have lost their jobs or don’t have work for the next few months…I hope that you will be able to find another job and have adequate support over the next few months. I know my government is increasing the handouts for those who are doing it tough…and have decreased the requirements that are needed to qualify for those programs.

Also, on a side note, thank you for the 50 subscribers and having over 3000 visitors to this website! Thank you so much for visiting, reading, and being a part of this journey to adulthood.

I hope everyone stays safe, coughs into their elbows, and don’t go to work when you are sick!

 

Joy

Grief

Somebody once said something along the lines of, “It is better to have loved and lost, rather have never loved”. I believe strongly in this statement, as we would never have realised how much someone or something meant to us until it is gone. This post will examine a few different aspects of the subject of grief.

I still remember the first time I experienced grief and loss. I was in the week before my final exams in my last year of high school and I was just about to attend a maths tutorial class when I got the phone call. My mother had found my dog, ‘Coffee’ lying on the ground and vomiting in the morning. They rushed to take him to the emergency vet and hopefully they would be able to save him. A few hours later, after the class had finished, I received a text message…Coffee had to be put down, the snail poison he had accidentally ingested had gone throughout his whole body, and there was nothing they could do about it. I took the bus home, and while walking towards my home…the reality became clearer and clearer…he was gone…he really was gone… There would be no one waiting for me when I get home…no one to accompany me on my walks around the neighbourhood…no one to hug and talk to. As I walked into the backyard where his body lay in a box, I broke down in tears and overwhelming sadness washed over me. I didn’t know what true grief was until that day…so many feelings washed over me…Regret. Why hadn’t I gone with them to the vet? I could have caught a taxi…who cares about how much it costs? Money cannot turn back time. Why did I care so much about attending some stupid course that probably won’t be beneficial at all…especially since all I could think of was of Coffee during that time. I questioned myself, did I ever get to say ” I love you” to my dog and appreciate him for all he did for me? All the times we spent together…my first-ever best-friend.

In saying that, after the passing of my beloved dog, who had been part of my family for over a decade of my life…I did fall into some sort of depression, (not that I knew what that was back then)…I did not feel like studying, could not concentrate on whatever I did, and I would tear up when the feelings of grief became so strong that it overwhelmed me. Even now, writing this blog makes me relive those feelings of sadness to me. Grief makes you afraid to love again, because the fear of losing a loved one again is one that is hard to forget, no matter how hard you try.

Grief is a powerful and overwhelming feeling, it is not pleasant, but it is somehow necessary to teach us to appreciate what we have. It is an inevitable part of life, unfortunately. However, prolonged grief can, unfortunately, lead to mental illnesses like depression.

 

 

Can you remember the first time you felt grief?