Money isn’t everything, but it could save your life

Money usually isn’t the source of happiness, but it could prevent you from dying.

If one was to rely on the public health system to help them feel better, sometimes I think they would find themselves better off dead. In terms of follow up, support, and care… you need money to pay for all the private specialists to care for you. If you don’t want to wait a million years. If you feel unwell now. The stark difference on whether you have money or not, it is so apparent.

Becoming a vampire

Depression sucks the life out of a person and then in turn that person sucks the life out of the people they come in contact with. Much like a vampire would I guess. Infecting, biting those around them. A recluse. A lonesome figure.

Like a vampire, you want to stay indoor all day, all day, sleep all day. Because you slept all day, you can’t sleep at night anymore. Take all the sleeping tablets you want, nothing is going to stop all the racing thoughts, the voices, the flashbacks.

Human food just doesn’t taste as good. Why eat when you feel sick all the time? Might as well get full of your emotions, of the screen, of the darkness.

You turn a shade of pale white as you haven’t left the house in, god knows how long? The sun burns your eyes. How did the world manage to still continue to go on, while you feel paralysed and frozen in time. Unable to move forward, unable to move in any direction. HOW?

The only difference I guess is that you don’t crave eternal life, perhaps the opposite. How do you describe this suffering that you don’t even understand? How can you open yourself up when you don’t even know where the key is?

How long must you suffer? Is there anyone who can understand you? Is it a matter of trying or is it that you were made to not be understood?

That is the lonesome story of the sad vampire.

What is the difference between the patient and their health care worker?

I think there’s a myth that health care professionals have it all together. But actually, we are just humans. We have our own struggles, we have our own doubts, we are not superior…. we are just the same. Just as you are our patient we are someone else’s patient.

Sometimes I wonder about the thin line that makes one a patient. One day I could be the health professional, the next day I am the one being treated. Is there a clear like when you start needing treatment and giving less care?

Do you give all of yourself away? Consumed by our jobs to care, that we literally have zero cares for ourself?

Deleting someone

Imagine, if we treated someone in real life the way we treated them online. If you didn’t like someone, you just ignore when they speak yo you. If you didn’t like someone and you blocked them from all you social media accounts, basically you just built some sort of fortress or wall around your house hold to prevent them coming close to you. If only the real world was so easy to avoid the people you want to avoid. It’s so much harder, but at the same time.. it hurts so much when someone you were close to, blocks you from everything. If that pain could be measured, it would be off the rockets.

We once were friends, what happened along the way that it had to come to this?

Ripping off the bandaids

We all dread ripping off a tight bandaid.. it was something used to stop all the bleeding, to help heal and temporarily helps with the pain and having to see a wound. When the bandaid is left on too long, it almost becomes one with our skin. However, when its time to rip it off, it’s anxiety inducing…fear of pain, fear the wound hasn’t healed, fear of what lies beneath… maybe an infection?

Once its ripped off, the pain is sharp, it’s short, but it’s there. Feel the pain, embrace it, and then hope you won’t need it again.

Dichotomy of the hospital

I went from one spectrum of the hospital where everything was timely, urgent, and dangerous. I had patients dying and there was the constant anxiety that a patient could turn dangerous at any moment. Another MetCall, another Code blue, the ICU team come running. Is if my patient? Will they be okay? Patient’s are fighting for their lives, fighting for survival. We undertake surgery and give them dangerous medicines in order to make sure they are fine.

In the other end of the hospital, in stark contrast to what’s happening. The patients want to die, they do not to live, they refuse to take medicines to help them, they refuse to listen to anyone. They are a threat to themselves and to the staff. They would rather die than stay in the hospital for another day. Code grey-the security come running… a patient is aggressive and needs to be restrained…again.

In one hospital. There is the fight for life and also the fight for death.

What happens after we die?

When we die, I would like to think that we go to better place, but what if you are are at an even worse scenario than before?

Everything is uncertain, is your life after this going to be a better one? Is there such thing as a guardian angel that prevents us from dying…from suffering. From making the same mistakes that we were going to do in the past? In context, is this life any harder than one that you may or may not encounter in the past?

As I googled all this and read about this. I ponder in this dark place I am in right now, is there really any light at the end of the tunnel? Is there any options for me? There seems to be no easy fix. There must be more to life.

“I want to Eat Your Pancreas” -Movie review

Yeah, me too. I thought this Japanese anime movie must have been about some zombie or some man eating cannibal story line, but funny enough it’s a sad love story. Well, parts of it was sad and parts of it was moving. In general, a good movie. It didn’t move me as much as other sad movies have done so in the past, but one message that the main character, Sakura, taught me is that the reason why we are alive and the reason why we can interact with others is the impact we make in their lives.

It’s so bizzare that during this covid pandemic, with all the social activities being cancelled and the constant lockdowns, this is where I became the shell of the person I was 4 years ago. It took so long for me to get out of my shell and get back to the life that I was used to.
Now I feel like I am starting all over again. But it’s so much harder being here alone

My sister just had her second baby and the only way I was able to meet the baby was through online video call. in a way, it’s great that technology has allowed us to come this far. I feel so close to my family, yet I am so so far way. 693 km away as per Uber eats when I tried to order something for my family. So close yet so far away.

The other way I have been spending my free time is emerging myself into Webtoons, and one particular one I started reading again was “Season of Blossom”…one of the characters featured in the webtoon dies from suicide and it is now unraveling the story of how he came to do what he did. Despite the fact there was someone he loved and someone he loved, he still made the choice in the end. Sometimes, you can’t save everyone. He was so popular, everyone liked him, yet no one truly knew who he was deep inside.

I feel like I really have procrastinated this weekend, I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself, but honestly I am just constantly running away from my problems and trying to hide from it all.

What happened to me?

What has happened to me? I feel like I am falling back into old habits… into past fears, into avoidance, into the black deep hole. I thought I was strong enough to overcome all this, I thought I would never go down that path again.

Where did it go wrong? How can I fix this? What did I do before? I can’t remember anymore. Is this because of the situation that’s been thrown at me or is it because I was already suffering inside but because I had put it off for so long that I failed to see it? How did I become like this?

My hopes and dreams feel meaningless. Everything is meaningless. What’s the point in trying if you are going to fail anyways. Why am I so negative :(.

Is it because I moved here? Should I move back? I am so confused, worried, and exhausted. Is it because I spent so much time alone? This endless lockdown and constant worries of getting the virus. Constant fears of having to quarantine… I am so very tired and unmotivated 😞

A New Chapter- Mental Health

This was my first week in a Mental Health ward, this time as a clinical pharmacist. Honestly, don’t think I made as many interventions as I would have liked…I feel.. lost… in my old rotation , I got into a groove of checking for VTE prophylaxis, checking the antibiotics were appropriate, checking pain relief was appropriate, and that regular medication was started/stopped as appropriate…. then I go go mental health.. where bloods could be done monthly.. my longest stay patient has been there SIX years..😱😱😱 and I am unsure what my role is …. it’s very “What the consultant wants”… and reminds me of the old days where I would have a chat with the consultant regarding some questionable things 😅. Consultant isn’t always right…

I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns and that sort of builds up my anxiety of what I don’t know. The anxiety of being in another hospital and not knowing how they do things and their practices.. messes with my head 😭😭… it’s only week one, but everyday just feels that I am unproductive and everything takes a long time to get used to …😓😓😓 Planning go do some learning this weekend!

In addition to that, its so strange to be fully into mental health. In mg surgical rotation I got a small taste of mental health, but now it’s like really full on in your face mental health…😭😭 Another big learning curve is coming for me..

Mass Vaccination

I’ve been doing one shift a week on the weekends at the mass vaccination clinics that my work runs. It’s all about setting individual goals for myself and trying to draw up as many vials as I can within the 2 hours or so that I have until it’s time for a scheduled break. It’s been great being able to see so many people getting vaccinated! It makes me happy because our government has decided not to focus on number of cases but on the number of people who have had their first dose of cover vaccine. They want to aim for 70% of people having their first dose administered in the least. I am glad I am able to do my part in helping people get vaccinated and to help fight against Covid. Fingers crossed I will be able to cross the borders and help home to see my family again.

P.S Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers!

People are so unreliable

I’ve pretty much all but given up relying on people. It seems like everyone is fickle, unreliable, and do not take responsibility for their actions. It’s been waves of disappointments on disappointments. I am just highly disappointed in so many people. It’s so frustrating for me, that my life is made harder by unreliable and inconsistent people. I really hate people honestly. At the end of the day I am still a person, so do I hate myself too? I should just become like them. Unreliable. Useless. And a liar. It is what it is I guess.

Reflecting on Growing up

Having moved out of my home town and into a new city for over a year now. I can’t even imagine my life back in Adelaide. So much has happened. So much has changed. So many ups and so many downs. What does the future bring? It’s all up in the air. What do you want to do? What so you want to go?

Do we even have a choice? Just gotta keep going and go with the flow. What are plans anyway? Covid is always here to disrupt them 😒

Tired of all the BS

I am so tired of people breaking the rules, this lockdown 6.0 goes on and on because of those rule breakers

Why can’t you just suck it up? And do the right thing so ALL of us have to suffer.

Then on the other side, people are flaunting the generosity of payments from the government. I want to pretend I didn’t hear or know about it, now that I know I feel. Defeated. That this is Australia. The people who need help dont get help. The people who are fine are abusing the system

People can get vaccinated but choose not to.

How the hell are we supposed to get out of this if people keep choosing to do the wrong thing?

The people Actually DO do the right thing are not rewarded in anyway and in the end, they keep fighting for some made harder by a few selfish people.

I am really sick of lockdown and I just really really wish I could go home.

Vaccine Incentives

Australia has finally decided to add incentives for Australians to get vaccinated. They are offering a lottery potentially from November! Hopefully we will hit 80% vaccination rates by November.

Different airline companies in Australia are also offering incentives to their customers to get vaccinated which is exciting! This includes free business class flights and frequent flyer points.

Uber and Didi are offering rides to the vaccination hubs.