Accrued Day Off

I get stressed when I have a day off during the week.. it’s like.. oh crap I gotta make sure ok the day, I plan stuff to do.. to make the best of the day off. On the day before my day off, I also gotta make sure my work is finished and any things outstanding are followed up to the best of my ability…

It’s less added stress when you have those aDOs coz you’ve worked way more than you were supposed to🤣🤣. Catch 22.???

That makes me worried about the week off I booked for the first week of May, this would be my first week off since August last year. Exciting! Also, strange. Very strange. The only plans so farI have is that I am heading to Sydney to visit a friend for a few days, gotta get that car serviced, work on my project, AND a maybe trip to see the penguins in Phillip Island. I am thinking whether or not I should go book an appointment with a nutritionist… I just feel forever tired and I know my diet is not the best :(. As I am forever fatigued and breaking out in pimples😭

Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

It is okay to have burger rings for breakfast

…every now and then anyways.

Woke up feeling shi* this morning with a splitting headache… my mouth has been super dry lately and I suspect it had something to do with the Asthma Preventative Inhalers I take… I do rinse my mouth out after each use.. but I still managed to get something called Oral Thrush 😦 thus is basically a fungal infection of the mouth which causes your tongue and maybe the side of your cheeks to become white and patch.. and for me … it’s hard to swallow and in addition to that I have several mouth ulcers…

I don’t think I’ve been taking care of myself as well as I should… it’s hard. We are in the middle of a pandemic and in stage four lock down in Melbourne… I have to follow by the rules.. and that means only been able to eat and drink during designated break times… which often ai will skip if it is too busy. Stress sucks :(.

But anyways, I digress. So I was feeling shi* this morning and because I woke up several times in the night.. I slept in till about 11am? My mouth was super dry and I was always thirsty, even though I drank water! My appetite wasn’t there anymore… I just craved something soft and tasty. I looked in my cupboard.. and ALAS. The Burger Rings which I got on sale for $1 at Woolies.

Should I? It’s breakfast for goodness sake…. screw if. Imma adult now and if I want to have Burger rings for breakfast .. I am going to have it. For those who might not know, Burger Rings are these ring shaped (clearly) orange/brownish delicious snacks packed with Burger Flavour (whatever that is). They are sooo addictive and tasty. I demolished a whole bag 🤣🙃. Guilty pleasure. Yup. Did it hurt my ulcers? Yup. Was it good for me? Nope. Do you think I would do it again?. Yup. But everything in moderation and I don’t have any left anyways..

Anyways, I better sleep.. big day tomorrow ..training is over and the real Residency starts. Wish me luck and also please remind me to buy some oral anti fungal drops…!

P.S. cover photo is of the Japanese Curry I cooked today which I will eat for the next few days 🤣🤣🤣

How to fix the lock on your door

Had a really anxiety inducing event today…I going up and down the building and because my door doesn’t shut properly… (it keeps blowing open). I have to lock it each time I leave.. I think I somehow wore out my key so much that when I was about to go for my walk…I realised the key wasn’t able able to lock the down. I was thinking… I am soo screwed if someone comes in and steals all my stuff :(. Granted, I honestly don’t have much… but it’s still stuff I use!! And need!!

Using my quick thinking skills I set about seeking answers from the genius Dr Google…and the Dr didn’t fail me. Apparently I need something called WD40 , which is basically a lubricant spray…unfortunately I would have to leave my door unlocked until i came back with some WD40.

I walked to the nearby convenience store, grabbed some snacks, and awkwardly asked someone putting stock on shelves. “Do you have WD40?” …and he said “No, sorry”. Damn. i asked myself “Do I still buy the snacks?!?”… I mean they were mostly on sale, why not. Anyways, lame. It means I will have to drive out to the bigger supermarket to grab some.

So one facemask change later (man does it become super moist from some light walking!) and a car trip to the supermarket!! I get my WD40.and $30 more worth of fruits, snacks, and veggies. Sigh. Why can’t I go to the shop and just what I need?! Why Am I so enticed by all the sales and the things I probably don’t need but want?! Anyways. That will be keep me okay for a few days.

Back home now. Luckily it looks like nothing had been stolen..:0. Rice cooker. Check laptop check. Big ass bin. Check. Anyway, Here was the deciding moment whether it works or not. The directions were, spray a bit into the key holes and then wait a few minutes. So i waited. Then i went to putting the key into the lock and tried to lock the door .. no luck dammit.

I open Dr google again. Searching, “Do I need to spray lubricant on Key too?”. Indeed I do… apparently after spraying it, I am supposed to put the key in and out of the lock so that the lubricants coats inside the lock (where my initial spray obviously hadn’t managed to enter into). Alright I twisted the key in and out. Please work I prayed to no one. I really didn’t want to call the Real estate agent for something like this… on a weekend..

And Hallelujah. It worked. And that, folks was the highlight and adulting milestone passed today.

TLDR: Always have some WD40 around.

P.S. minor set back today was, I washed all of the four towels I own and they are still wet, so I am going to have to shower using wet towels. BUY MORE TOWELS has been added to my ever growing TO DO LIST.

Things you don’t know until you move out

It’s almost been two weeks since I moved from my hometown, Adelaide, and made myself across the country to Melbourne. I’ve decided to make a list of things I didn’t/still don’t know since I have moved out…

  1. How to get rid of stains on your chopping board. Throw it away! JOKES, it doesn’t even belong to me. I have lots of orange stains from those stupid carrots I cut.. I looked on the wizarding website, Google about how to get rid of them..Apparently, a normal sponge (which a common man likes me owns) can’t get into those knives made cuts in the board, hence it gets stained… Apparently, bleach, baking soda, or hydrogen peroxide will help get rid of the stains. All which I don’t own…and maybe I should get.
  2. Ice builds up in the freezer for no known reason. When this happens at home, I don’t really notice. But when you are living on your own, you question everything! This fridge came with the apartment I am renting, so it is quite old and NOT frost free like most new fridges sadly… I looked up Google and it doesn’t seem like there is an easy fix…it could mean that the fridge seals may not be working as well as they are supposed to hence the ice building up inside…I’ve just been picking the little ice off when it gets long enough..reminds me of a little winter wonderland…xD…
  3. How to clean a toilet. Properly. In my limited experience of cleaning toilets back in Adelaide…they were reduced to spraying and wiping the surfaces of the toilet back at church…and at home putting some bleach in the toilet bowl..flushing and using the brush to clean the outside lol. ew…and then letting it dry. Yups. Needless to say, not very clean. Luckily, there are lots of youtube videos showing the right and proper (?) way for a better clean toilet.
  4. GROCERIES. Sigh. I ‘ve mentioned it before…but it’s important to sort of figure out what you need and reduce the number of times you need to go to the groceries…is it urgent? if not, wait until the next grocery shop time! I guess ideally you should make a list of things that you might need every week, so you don’t forget.
  5. Different types of linen and bedding. Prior to moving out, I only knew of pillowcases, quilt covers…and the thing that goes on your mattress. Didn’t know the name of the thing that goes on your mattress…but the one at home always had elastic around it. I found out since then, that is called a fitted sheet…and the one that DOESN’T have an elastic is called a Flat Sheet. LIFE CHANGING! I was never able to find online what I wanted to buy because I didn’t know what they were called… I’ve also learnt the importance of mattress protectors…and did you know you were supposed to flip your mattress every month or so to even out the wear?!!? I will be honest with you, I have not done that once in my 29 years of life. I tried flipping the mattress that came with this apartment…saw the other side had this huge ass brown stain…maybe it was blood?!?! Murder?!?! OMG ?!?! I don’t know..and thought. NAH. I am good. I will just leave it on this side… It would be nice to buy my own new mattress.. hmmm…$$ though…
  6. Never knew what fabric softener was until I moved out. Never used it… apparently, it makes your clothes softer and easier to iron after a wash :O. So far, I haven’t ironed anything that I’ve washed since I got here..but we’ll find out after I start work tomorrow!
  7. Less is better than more. While cooking..always only add a little bit of seasoning, TEST TASTE IT. Then add a little more as needed… Being too confidence and adding wayyy too much at once (like I do) makes it overseasoned and you can’t really fix that…
  8. Never realised how dusty the floor surface gets. To be honest, back at home, I rarely checked the vacuum cleaner to see how much dusty I have picked up after a vacuum…But since I am living on my own with a small stick vacuum…I have to empty the small canister quite often…and BOY am I surprised at how much dust there is after each vacuum!! I suppose dust gets in from your shoes…from moving stuff around..and opening the windows. hanging clothes to air…DUST IS EVERYWHERE. I am dust produced. LOL.so very important to get a vacuum when you live on your own…so you can discover how disgusting of a place you live in!
  9. You don’t need a can opener. We always had one at home…but honestly, I can’t remember the last time I used one. I don’t know why I ran out to buy one in Melbourne… I don’t even have a need to use it!
  10. Recycling and being eco friendly can be fun. I have never been so crazy about recycling things until now…If it can save money and be useful…why not..! I can’t say I am pleased with all of my creations, but hey, some are coming in handy…Like my placemat, my stationery and pen containers, recycle bill, bin, mouse pad..

As I write this at 9:40am local time…I have already finished one load of washing and put a second one in…soon I will put the third lot in..! I am trying to get all the laundry out of the way as I probably won’t have time during the week to do it.. 😦

Wish me the best of luck tomorrow for my first day at work! I will be getting a Photo ID badge..I presume…so I gotta make sure I look good for my photo xD. After going into work in the morning for a bit, I believe the plan is those that live nearby to work (i.e. me) will go home and use their computers from home to continue the orientation/training modules. It’s my first time working from home officially! I don’t think being on call counts?

I am both excited and nervous about starting all over again…in a new workplace..with new rules..new procedures…it’s time to dump out what I have been taught before and learn new ways of doing things…new software…staff…management… and I don’t even know how to do my timesheet. LOL. -.-”

Will hopefully have energy to update tomorrow on the first day of work!

*edit i think i forgot to post this on Sunday*?)*

(P.S. took this photo and the cover photo on my walk yesterday…soo pretty!)

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Random Rants: Generous Giving

 

Even as a child, I was always a giver. It was ingrained into me from a young age from my mother, “Why get fat by eating it all by yourself, when you can share it around and not be fat?”. With that mentality, I would share whatever snacks or food I had with others, I felt extremely uncomfortable to be the only one eating. If no one else was eating, I didn’t want to eat. It made me feel like a little selfish pig and gave me this really guilty feeling. I am not saying that is a healthy thing to have! Now, I am almost the opposite, I can’t stand the sound of people chewing or eating really loudly, it’s so off-putting and distracting. But I do still like to bring food to share and to give to others…

 

Not trying to say I am a saint or anything, but when I was younger I was sympathetic the beggars I saw on the street, despite not having money, I would try to give them something useful like food or a pocket hand warmer…  When I finally had a job in university, on my 22nd birthday, I remember signing up to sponsor a child in Africa who had the same birthday as me. Despite sponsoring her for many years and receiving the periodic update letters from her, I never responded to a single one. I was like an anonymous sponsee that never seemed to have time to write a letter to someone I didn’t know.

 

One day, my brother told me, instead of just throwing money to random organisations and where the money goes into paying for the staff working in the organisation in a place far away. What about instead of focussing on the people across the world, what about the people around you? This led me into a phase where I was trying to find the right place to volunteer and tried all these different places. I felt while the work I did there was alright for the moment, I felt there was so much more potentially that I could do.  There was so much I wanted to do, but so little time. I loved animals, I loved kids, I cared about the disadvantaged, people with disabilities, the medically sick…I wanted to go on medical mission trips across the world and help people in development countries, myself. That was my dream, I do still hope to do that someday. But reality hits, this all needs money. It doesn’t come for free…to get there I need to study hard to get into the degree, I need to get experience, and become qualified. I guess you can call it perhaps my calling in life for the desire to help others and to give.

It’s not always just about giving money, but thinking what can you actually DO and just to be kind to those around you, even if they are hard to love. Be wise with where you invest your money and time and don’t just throw it around blindly, also don’t just keep all the money for yourself!

2020 Values

Another year has passed, another decade is here. Strange to think that I can still remember when it was the year 2000, and we were in a new Millenium…I remember these gummy lollies that started selling pretty well back then, I think it was the Millenium bugs or something..so tasty.

I sometimes wonder how the mind chooses what to remember and what not to. I would say it would remember the happiest moments and also the saddest moments of our lives…then anything in between could be a coincidence or something out of the ordinary that made us remember it.

If I were to reflect again on 2019, it would be a year where others have already said, a year of ups but also downs, love but also heartbreak, regret and the fear of not trying.  I honestly look back at myself and think I was a different person than to who I am now and I think this will always be the case as I continue to grow, continue to make the same mistakes in the past, one step forward, how many steps backwards…as long as I am moving somewhere.

2020. A year in which I put high hopes for. It is the year that I leave my 20s…how scary. A year in which I hope is full of travel, goals being met, and relationships strengthened. Hopefully. 2019 drained me…in a whole different way. I think it’s a combination of working too much, committing so much, and studying too much. Too much of anything is bad, isn’t it? All work and no play makes for a sad joy. I always seem a bit out of balance in all things..either I do nothing or I try to do all over it. Either I love someone or I hate them. A black and white world, that is a scary thing.

I faced many trials while working at my casual job, from workplace injuries to bullying, the anxiety of not having worked…because my manager hated me. To becoming a nervous wreck at my other job from dealing with clients that are abusive. Why did I try so hard? But, I am thankful for my new job, where it seems alright. The only major anxiety now is that 1. I can’t progress from where I am at the moment. 2. I don’t know how long my next contract will be. But, I like the immediate management..and the pay is good. So I should, not I am grateful.

2019 was the year my gym closed down. I didn’t gym for two months while I contemplated where I should go. I felt like a headless chook not knowing where to go. It was a big thing for me because it made me lose my routine…exercise is so important to keeping you feel sane after a long day at work. I had my favourite Zumba class where I can dance away my worries…when it closed…I didn’t know what to do..so I did nothing… I am grateful now for my new gym..no it’s not the same…1. It’s a mixed gym, not an all-girls gym that I am used to. 2. The Zumba classes there aren’t that great. 3. It costs a lot more than my previous membership, but the benefits are that parking is easier as it located near my house and not in the city. The distance between home and the gym makes it easier to bring me to go to the gym. Exercise and staying fit will always be an important part of my life, and I can tell when I haven’t exercised my mental health going downhill. SO make sure you guys exercise okay!

2019 I worked on building my self-confidence. I still am working on this and will continue in 2020. I learnt instead of focusing so much on makeup to cover my flaws, to instead trying to take proper care of my skin instead. To be preventative rather than treatment orientated. I am not sure if it’s a side effect of the pills I take, the lesser use of makeup, or the skincare products I am using…my skin is far from perfect and I still get the odd pimple here and there, but I am comfortable going to work or out with no makeup on. I have also been trying to lessen the use of my hair straightener (I sold the old one and bought a new one last year) and try to leave my hair as natural as possible. When it’s messy, I tie it up in a way that looks nice and no one would guess how messy it is! I realise, that by not using the straightener as much my hair has never been as healthy…I use daily some leave-in conditioner as well… With the exercise thing that I mentioned above, I want to be more comfortable with my body shape. I have always felt shy about my body shape, thinking I am too fat and wearing just loose clothing…safe clothing I say. But I would say I am broadening my “look” and trying to “my style” that makes me look good (in my eyes).

Something which I am going to focus on 2020, is “Saying NO” and taking a risk. I feel my health is deteriorating because I place a lot of importance in working a lot…and for the last five months, getting one day off every two weeks is my norm. It’s exhausting. But, I fear the consequences of what will happen if I stop one of my two jobs. Money is so alluring. It makes me temporarily “Happy” when I get paid. But…working so hard and not having the ability to enjoy it or friends to enjoy it with me…makes me feel empty.

Relationships. I had a lot of failed relationships this year. Whether short, long, or fleeing. I made a lot of “new” relationships, but whether or not I really made any super close friends…I don’t know what I was trying to achieve, but I think I was trying to fill that emptiness inside of me.  This year, I want to be wiser. Learn to love my own company. Let’s hope 2020 will be a good year to strengthen relationships with those I do want to…and break free from some that are not healthy.

Studies. 2020 will be the year I finally finish my graduate certificate in disability studies… phew…Took me two years to get there…but I got there. I also am planning to take the Gamsat in March this year. Again… I think its 5th or 6th time? All that money… is an investment I hope, it’s only wasted if I don’t keep trying…right? I remind myself, by studying Gamsat materials, it is a good exercise for my brain and to help me think outside the box more. Yesterday, some friends and I went to do an escape room activity, and it’s so exciting to be able to crack codes and figure out riddles. Let’s do our best! I remind myself here, that it is about the quantity of time I spend studying in books and text, but the quality and the way that I can learn and prepare for the exam. This time, I will think outside the box for different ways to prepare for the exam. Maybe reading books, maybe talking to people, maybe doing a new hobby…who knows…But I will make the journey a more enjoyable one than before.

Cleaning, almost forgot about this. I had a major clean up in 2019 and I hope that I can continue ‘cleaning up’ the rest of the house in 2020. I did the Marie Kondo style clean up in my room/..I got rid of a mountain full of coat hangers…clothes, and things I never use. Who knows how much rubbish we can collect over the years? It’s liberating to know where things are (most of the time), and having things so neat and easy to use. I hope I continue the Marie Kondo way in 2020 and improve upon it and continue to be disciplined daily to put things away.

Family. So important, I am so lucky to still have both my parents and my siblings here in Adelaide. I also have an awesome aunt and uncle who live so close by and the really feel like my substitute grandparents who have already passed. I have to say, I am so guilty of not spending as much time as I should with them…Also, I can’t forget, 2019 was the year my nephew, Jaxon, was born! This bundle of cuteness lighted up so many of my dark, sad, and lonely days. Here’s to hoping I can spend more time with him and enjoy his first few years of life.

Travel. I didn’t travel anywhere overseas in 2018 or 2019. But now, that I finally have the funds and the annual leave to travel. I am happy to say I have booked my first overseas holiday in three years for next month! Yes, it’s just to NZ, but that’s still counted as overseas for me! I am so excited, it’s always been a place I needed to visit at least once, just as Canada was…I am excited to see beautiful scenery and amazing sights, it will also be a good chance to become closer to my friend whom I haven’t spent a lot of time with in the last few years…I hope I can travel to somewhere new each year in the upcoming years! Travel is like medicine for the soul.

I think these are all the values I have worked on in 2019 and hope to continue building upon in 2020. If I think of anything, I guess I will edit or post again.

 

Thanks for reading my random ramble!

 

Happy 2020 to you!

 

EDIT: Just remembered as I posted, I forgot to say that 2019 was also a great year in which I gained new subscribers to my blog! i am amazed that there are so many people from so many different countries randomly coming here and reading my blog. Thank you to you all! I hope I will continue writing my random thoughts and feelings towards life, adulting, and etc in 2020.

Code Brown: External Emergency

Today I woke up to a thick smog across the score…the smell of smoke can be smelt. :(.

This week has been a difficult one…in the place I live, the temperatures soared to over 40 degrees celsius and the heat continued into the night for four days. It was really hard to sleep at night..because it was so hot and I couldn’t fall or stay asleep…I also don’t have a good functioning air conditioner in my room…and my parents also wouldn’t let us keep the air conditioner in the kitchen.

The sweltering heat, lack of sleep, and just overall increased workload of the upcoming Christmas period and patients admitted due to overheating meant a very tired me. I went to work and back home. Doing nothing in-between. It’s all I knew..Work Home, Work Home, Work and Home. Very boring. How did I even use to manage to study for the medical entrance exam and for university? Thank God we have a summer break for uni! When it’s sooo hot, you really just feel like doing nothing! Luckily we have an air conditioner at work…phew

Oh yes, the title of my post, Because of the intense heatwave this week, a Code Brown was activated at the hospital I work at..which means an external emergency is occurring. We prepared for the worst, we had some increased amount of staff to help out in the dispensary in case it got super busy from the hospital trying to discharge everyone they can before Christmas time…and also to free up beds in case people affected by the heat need to be admitted.

In case I don’t update before Christmas or the New Year, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!

May 2020 be a better year than this year!

Thank you for reading always.

 

2020

2020 is a big year. I can feel it already. The year I leave my 20s and enter the scary 30s. !!

It’s a year I want to knock off some things off my bucket list.

One of them being going to New Zealand. Always had planned to go…but because it seemed so close to home, it doesn’t feel like I am leaving the country. I am happy to say I have booked my flights to New Zealand and will be going on the 19th to 24th of March! Super excited…but also feeling a bit stressed…I haven’t found accommodation yet! I think when I finally get a place to stay I will feel more relieved… It’s hard to plan transport, tours, and etc without knowing where you will stay :(. I guess you can call me a homeless person while I am in NZ.

I have also managed to get VIP tickets to meet on of my favourite Jrock bands, ONE OK ROCK. SUPER excited. I have always wanted to see them live…When I was in Japan for exchange back in 2014, I wanted to see them in Japan….however they were touring in the US at that time..so I missed that opportunity. BUT they are coming to my hometown!!!!! So excited. I would have flown interstate to see them…but now no need…so might aswell splurge on VIP tickets which include a meet and greet <3, early entry, a special lanyard, and a wrist band. But most importantly, is that I get to meet them…and hopefully get a photo if I am lucky! None of my friends that are going got the VIP tickets…so hopefully I can make a friend there or find someone kind enough to help me take a photo.  I guess this would be a new addition to my bucket list.

Assuming all goes well in the jobs department, i.e. getting an extension of my current work contract or getting a new job within SA Health, I hope I can save up enough for a house/unit deposit. I am aiming for about 60-80k, which will be about the minimum 20% deposit I need for a house. Gotta keep working hard!

I have applied for the JET program..so this may affect my income levels aswell. But, no fear..doesn’t mean I can’t still be working overseas and saving for my house deposit. I haven’t heard anything back from them yet, so who knows if I will even pass the written part of the application? But at least I tried, right?

To be honest, I am not sure what else is on my latest bucket list…I think the same things that always matter will be there or not…stay fit and healthy… be present with family and enjoy time with my nephew …and be an awesome friend….travel more…finish my study…and get lots more experience in my career and keep working hard for long term goals…Oh yeah keep writing more in this blog..and other stuff which I have much neglected…

Do you have any goals or aims for 2020?

Random Rant: On Forgiveness

Forgiveness…it’s hard to describe exactly what it is.

It’s something that I heard a lot when I used to attend church.

“God forgave your sins so you should forgive other people”. I took this literally, people treated me like shit, I took it. I decided to try “see the best in them” and let them do it again and again. I don’t think I really understood that there is a difference between forgiving someone and letting someone step all over you.

I have learnt that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the wrongdoing, or reconciling a relationship, we are able to forgive and never say a word to them ever again. In the same way, we could say the words “I forgive you” or “I accept your apology”, and actually forgive them.

Forgiveness instead is an emotional change that happens inside someone who has been wronged. Forgiveness is not for the wrongdoer, it is actually for the person that has been wronged. I think this is what many of us get confused about. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person it is a gift FOR YOURSELF, it allows us to overcome the pain that is inflicted by someone else. This is a process of letting go of our anger, resentment, shame and other emotions towards the other person or even towards ourselves.

It also treats the offender with compassion, even though they are not entitled to it.

I don’t understand forgiveness, but I hope I can slowly understand it someday.

People who don’t care about you

Have you ever took a step back and realised someone that you thought you loved..liked…and realised. They don’t give a shit about you?

You spend so much time, money, and effort on them. Yet, all they care about is themselves. Their problems. Their issues. It’s always about them. You thought you would be able to have a relationship with them. But all you were to them was a piece of trash. Did they care to ask about your day? No. Did they ask you how your interview went? No. Did they even bother wishing you a happy birthday on your birthday? No. Despite you telling them about these things. You realise. They don’t give a single shit about you!

You were just conveniently there when they needed someone to be with them, to listen to their shit, and to let them feel comforted. You were being used. And for so long you let them do that to you. You tried to forget them…so many times. You ignored them. Kept your distance. Then they come running back when you least expected and it starts all over again.

But that is the last time. You will not, cannot let yourself be looked down upon. You are worth so much more than that. There will be someone who loves you for who you are. As a friend said to me, it takes two people to have a relationship. Not just one person struggling to keep it together, while the other person makes no effort…just keeps receiving without giving anything. I am not sure what I even like about that person? Maybe I was lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Maybe I wanted a friend. Maybe I wanted something more. But, when I found out who this person really is and how bad they treat me…I realise I deserve more. I had to tell someone about him. I was embarrassed though, because who goes chasing after someone who gives zero fucks about you? Again and again. Why did I think I could change him?

He’s a dick and he will stay a dick. I turned 29 years old yesterday. It’s time to grow up and realise my worth. In terms of what I can do in my career…in my sports..in my relationships…I have decided I won’t settle for what is convenient and easy… Have to realise you can do more than you think, because if you stick in a bad job or relationship for the sake of convenience…think of what you are missing out on…The higher pay..the better environment and someone who loves you better.

To be honest, I had a good look at my situation when I overhead a colleague talking about their friend who is seeing a dick guy. Apparently, the guy doesn’t want anyone to know about them and they meet in secret…Apparently, he doesn’t want to commit because he has another girl on the side…yet this friend continues staying with him. She gets heartbroken every month and comes crying to her friends. It’s hard. When you think you are in love. You try to see past all the flaws and the red flags telling you to run. Maybe it is our kind hearts that try to see the good in everyone.

Girls and boys, you deserve so much more. Someone you can love, and who will love you back.

Don’t look down on yourself.

Experience?

I woke up today and I was working on writing a job application for a senior pharmacist position…and as I was thinking of all the different pharmacies I have worked and all the different roles I have had…and realised I am an experienced pharmacist…even though I don’t think I am… I have achieved much and experienced much… I don’t know everything, but I know something.

Applying for jobs is about selling yourself, your knowledge, and your experiences. Some talent in writing is needed here…you want to make it seem like you have done more and learnt more than you probably have…if you undersell yourself, you won’t even get a chance to progress from paper to in-person interview.  That reminds me, I have another interview this coming week… It is part of the same company I am currently in..but a different branch…further away from my house… but hey, stability in finances comes with a cost. I love my job now, but having short contracts constantly and not knowing if I have a job next year is scary…and I need to do my best to grab whatever opportunities there are… Otherwise, I won’t be able to save up for my house :(.

I feel really lucky now…Even though at times it’s frustrating…scary… tiring.. and exhausting. I think there will come a time where I will look back, and say I can’t believe I made it that far…by working so hard! You reap what you sow and if you worked hard…your efforts will pay off.

Going to a house inspection later today…I finally have a day off! So I might as well use my time wisely.

In other news, yesterday I heard from a colleague that another colleague had suddenly passed away..No one knows why. They were young. Lot’s of potential and a funny person. They will surely be missed. But it reminded me greatly about the uncertainty of life and the experiences we have interacting with each other…If you treat someone badly, and then they pass away, there is no opportunity to say sorry or to forgive them.

So think again, do you want to live a life of regret? Treat people the best that you can.

I honestly rather that people treat me bad, then I treat someone bad.

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Random Rants: Are you happy right now?

When you earn more money, do you get more stingy? Or do you become more generous?

I find that the more I earn…the more I spend…but at the same time, I also try to be careful with my money. It’s a ‘balancing act’…Earn more..can spend more…thus not saving more.

It’s a conundrum. It’s great you are earning more…but you also pay more tax…and then you end up with less than you initially imagined.

The ability to earn more…means you can afford to go on holidays in which you couldn’t before…do you take the time off and go on a holiday? Or do you keep saving and saving until one day..you can’t work anymore?

Such is life…I guess you have to choose whether you are happy, satisfied with how much you have.

You could be poor and happy. You could be rich but sad.

So many decisions to make…Do you take the risk to do a job that offers you one-two month contracts at a time, with no guarantee of ongoing work? Or do you instead continue part-time work …that also doesn’t offer you any more hours? But it is permanent. Or do you remain casual, which is flexible…but where you get pushed around by the big guys up there…When it’s busy they overwork you, when it’s quiet they don’t care about you and you get no shifts. The instability of life. Choices.

Such is life.

Really Random Rants: Thankful?

Sooo I had a blood test done a couple of weeks ago and I visited my GP (finally) to check the results. Not sure if Bad News or Good News, buttt I found the reason why I have been feeling so tired, lethargic, and gained weight lately. 😦 I suddenly put on 3 kg from last year! So apparently I have an Iron deficiency..no surprises there…given I rarely eat beef and prefer fish, chicken, and lotsa vegetables…plus I have been getting periods every three weeks instead of monthly…weird right??I also have something wrong with my thyroid stimulating hormone, I have too much of it…which means my body is low in thyroxine and is trying to restore it by excreting lots of hormones…or something like that.

sooo I have to do a few follow up things, repeat thyroid function test in one month…Follow up Iron test in 3 months…and an ultrasound to see if there’s is anything wrong internally that is causing the extra bleeds…

I really hope I get some answers soon, sometimes you just want to find out why you feel the way you feel…

I am grateful for things like blood tests, scans, and medications…to treat my iron deficiency there are easily accessible iron supplements that can be bought in pharmacies…and if I do need to take thyroxine tablets, those are also easily bought with a prescription and it is not too pricey to buy a packet of 200 -which lasts for about 6 months…

Feeling super grateful for the advancement of health and medicine that we can easily treat things that were never treated before…

 

Oh also on top of my existing health problems, I have had this rash..not sure what it is…query psoriasis, eczema, fungal (?), medication allergy? Not sure..but it’s been spreading around my body and I have kinda just left it…waiting to ask the doctor for her opinion, even though I suspected it to be fungal. Hopefully easily solved by some antifungal cream and some steroid.

I am not sure why I am writing all my personal problems here…but I felt the need to document it somewhere….why is my body going haywire all of the sudden?!!??

But anyway, as I said before…luckily there are treatments for these conditions…

And ladies and gentlemen, that is my life. Super tired from working two jobs and 13 days per fortnight…but I like the income. I guess everything comes with a cost. … xD