Do you just become sick or do you make yourself sick?

Do we just suddenly fall sick for no reason or are we the ones treating our bodies so bad that it forces us to take much needed rest?

I think I know the answer… I think I sip my ice old glass of soy milk because my coffee is too hot and I already have several mouth ulcers in my mouth.

My blood tests all came back “normal”, nothing out of the ordinary, no infection, not low in vitamin D, iron, or vitamin b12. My blood pressure standing and sitting were “fine”, but I still feel dizzy when walking around. I still feel tired and so fatigued that my mind becomes blank and I barely can make the drive to work without falling asleep. Burn out is real and your body will let you know it has had ENOUGH. You need rest it says…

If you are constantly worrying about work or thinking things will crumble if you aren’t there, then I feel you are overestimating the abilities of other people. If you are always doing everything, then how will people ever learn how to do something? So the cycle continues, because that’s how you learnt in the first place right? When you were thrown into the deep end, it’s either you sink to the bottom or you force yourself to learn to swim.

But you swim too hard, too fast, and you tire out. You forget that you aren’t in some olympic 100m swim race, you are in a marathon called ‘Life’. It’s time to pace yourself, know your limits and know how to love yourself, (that’s a post for another time).

Feeling Dry

Contrary to the title of this post, Melbourne has been rainy and wintery all week. However, I am dry and dehydrated..I have mouth ulcers in my mouth, my skin is dry and bleeding, and overall I feel unwell. But, I can’t explain why I am unwell. I feel guilty that I feel sick and so so tired.

I am feeling my zest in life is slowly fading. I feel dizzy when I play badminton…I am scared that I will injure myself once again. What are hobbies again? Everything just is hard to concentrate when I feel like I need to continue working

I am aware that I am thinking about work was too much…even on my lunch breaks and at home, I am checking my email constantly. My team leader calls me before and after work…It’s just ongoing and infiltrating my life and it is mostly my fault. I always take on too much and too often, I never learn my lesson but I love the exhilaration of being on so many committees and so many projects. But spare time is no longer mine. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and let others help.

When did I become so bad for asking for help? When did I become so independent? It must be pride, arrogance, and distrust…

Things need to change, I can’t go on like this in fear that I will crash and burn.

The end of a chapter and the start of the next

The cogs of change are changing again and life as I had known it for the last 9 months , funny how it started as a 4 week gig. When did it change? When did I stop caring, stop striving, and lost my focus?

I think I did bring it upon myself…too scared to let go of what is safe and what is familiar and immerse myself into the unknown. I am not sure if that is partly the reason why I find myself in this predicament. But then ironically, I prove myself right. It didn’t work out, but at least I have a some form of security in knowing that I have the second job while looking for something new.

It’s scary. Not knowing what my future will be like. But hey, this has been happening every few months before a contract ends. I still remember the terror and anxiety I felt when my first contract was almost ending…I was worried did I make a good impression? I’ve always worked hard and did my best to be nice to everyone. But I guess when you so hard and with no recognition, you start feeling under appreciated, tired, stressed, and burdened. Too scared to complain because you want to be chosen to stay there, yet everyday feels harder than the day before.

This good bye was inevitable. There are regrets, but there are also moments where I had a confidence that I did not have before and I am proud that this difficult situation developed that in me. Standing up for my rights and of others is something that I strive to do. I think it has something to do with respecting yourself and speaking up when something things off or wrong. Working in a mental health institution has always been a goal of mine and I have fulfilled that and believe this was be a stepping stone into something greater.

Apparently, with this company there will be an exit interview…this is not something I have done before, despite working in so many places previously. There is so many things I want to say, but I need to be careful of saying anything too bad,  because I need this people to be referees. There is never a way to win is there? Better to leave on good times than bad. I am both scared, yet also looking forward to a change of scenery. Bring on the last 3 weeks of full time work…

Stay Tuned for updates

The Breaking Point

I think we all have a limit.

A point where just one small thing can put you over the edge.

Something small that usually wouldn’t bother you.

But you have had enough.

I think you know it’s happening, even when you try to convince yourself everything is okay.

People think you are fine when you are barely holding yourself together.

You try to brush it away, pretend it is not real…BUT IT IS there and it eats away like you like an internal parasite.

The parasite is eating away at your and slowly it takes over your whole body.

Slowly you become an empty shell…Where you feel nothing, care about nothing, and do things you didn’t care about.

It’s a ticking timebomb and someday…you are gonna explode.

Then you will know.

It’s too late.

You’ve reached your breaking point.

Recipe for Burnout

Covid is a great excuse to become burnout in my opinion. Asides from work, I usually make time to go to the gym around 3 times a week for classes and try to play badminton 1-2 times a week. I would visit my elderly Aunt and Uncle whenever I had time and also visit my sister and her baby whenever I could. Due to Covid restrictions, badminton, gym, and social outings were gone from the calendar and I didn’t visit my aunt and uncle as much because I could be a risk to them. Take away all the things I did out of work, it just left me with work..and more work. Oh yeah, also study… I am almost finishing my graduate certificate in disability studies…

If anything, I had to work more hours, longer days without break. So of course, I am not a great machine that can keep going and going. I stopped working. Literally. Couldn’t work, because I had become so sick. Sick of the unpaid overtime, sick of not being able to say no to an extra shift because I felt guilty, sick of looking after sick people. It’s a real thing.. this vicarious trauma…

Due to the stress at work, I was so exhausted when I got home, but I would still force myself to do some work out. Gone were all the things that I had preached on this blog and to others… Healthy Eating habits? I craved and gave into KFC every time the migraines came back…I have never spent so much money on SNACKS and they aren’t all healthy snacks either :(. I have been so busy at work, I don’t even drink enough water because that would mean having to go to the toilet!! I am just overeating snacks… and it’s terrible! I’ve also been splurging on things I don’t necessarily need with my new credit card.. Oh..what I have done.

Anyways, I am not writing all this JUST to complain about my situation, because I know we have it pretty good in Australia. It will get better, I hope, because the situation is ever changing! Just as fast as we were put into restrictions, the restrictions are being lifted faster than I imagined too. Life will become better soon. But until then..Just keep fighting on, because it can only get better from now.  Take time to look after your mental health, have you done something just for you today?

Maybe, it’s okay, that I am acting the way I am now…As long as I realise that I can’t stay like that forever! Now that I am aware, I will be more conscious when I go pass KFC or purchase something I REALLY do not need.

Not really an update…BUT..

As the title says, not really an update..but, I am going on a trip to New Zealand! Super excited!! I haven’t had a proper break from work or life since I started this blog almost 3 years ago…Go hard or go home…or go NZ.

I’ve never been to NZ so I will have lots of photos and experiences to share when I get back. Excited to see their sheep, experience their delicious Ferdburger, Paragliding, and exploring the Lord of the Ring movie backdrops… :O

Just a reminder to everyone work hard..but also remember to relax and enjoy life!! Or you will burn out like I do… sizzlee…..You only live once but you only die once too! More about this another time…

SUPER happy not to have to go to work for a week…LOL just so over it today… just let me go home!!! I still have some last-minute packing to do tomorrow morning…but other than that I am pretty much set to go…

I have packed some facemasks for the plane trip…thinking whether I need alcohol gel or antiseptic wipes…=s

I’ll update when I get back!!

Take care till then!

 

re: Employment

Someone once said, “Work a job that you love and you will never have worked a day in your life”.  Or something like that. Working is an integral part of of the adult life in the current day society. Because we work, society is able to function as well as it does. While there are many benefits to working, there are some major disadvantages as well. This post will discuss both sides of this area further.

Employment is vital to an adult’s life, this is because we all know we need an income to survive and by survival, I mean having a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes on our backs, and money to buy food and clothing. Work also provides a routine in our lives and gives our life some type of purpose while on earth and perhaps could help answer the question of “Why am I on Earth?” (or not). Having a job can also boost our self-esteem and self-confidence especially if it is something we are proud of telling others, but even if it doesn’t, at least it shows that you are earning your own income. Other additional benefits of work include the social aspects of meeting new people, working together, or talking to clients or patients. Our workplaces also allow us to learn new skills and help keeps our minds active. By working, we decrease our reliance on government handouts. For me personally, working throughout my university has always been my means to be able to travel to different places in the world. Now that I have graduated, I am working to save up for a deposit for a house. Money is a catalyst for some sort of happiness, temporary or not.

In saying that, there are some negative aspects to being in employment. In Asia specifically, where the working day tends to go into the night and there far fewer holidays, there are increased cases of people dying from overwork. One particular case was that of the death of a popular animator, Kazunori Mizuno, of the well-known series ‘Naruto’, his cause of death being overwork. The Japanese even had a word for those who die from overwork, which is ‘Karoushi’. Asides the possibility of burning out at work, the workplace environment is also a very important aspect to consider. A toxic work environment can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. Workplace bullying is one of the biggest cause of anxiety and depression. Work also takes up a lot of time in your day and hence hindering to do what you like. However, without money, there is a limit to what you can do. It’s a catch 22.

Work plays an important part in our lives and is a central part of helping society to function. It has a beneficial way to learn new skills, increase our self-esteem, and giving us a routine for our lives. Whilst there are many benefits, unfortunately, workplace bullying and burnout from overworking are some serious concerns that arise from unhealthy working conditions.

 

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