Hey guys, I recorded the first of I hope many .. podcast interviews with people studying or doing different professions! I hope you enjoy this first podcast and sorry for all the background noise.
I think it’s time for a reflection.
Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.
If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.
Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.
This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.
I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.
FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…
But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.
When you earn more money, do you get more stingy? Or do you become more generous?
I find that the more I earn…the more I spend…but at the same time, I also try to be careful with my money. It’s a ‘balancing act’…Earn more..can spend more…thus not saving more.
It’s a conundrum. It’s great you are earning more…but you also pay more tax…and then you end up with less than you initially imagined.
The ability to earn more…means you can afford to go on holidays in which you couldn’t before…do you take the time off and go on a holiday? Or do you keep saving and saving until one day..you can’t work anymore?
Such is life…I guess you have to choose whether you are happy, satisfied with how much you have.
You could be poor and happy. You could be rich but sad.
So many decisions to make…Do you take the risk to do a job that offers you one-two month contracts at a time, with no guarantee of ongoing work? Or do you instead continue part-time work …that also doesn’t offer you any more hours? But it is permanent. Or do you remain casual, which is flexible…but where you get pushed around by the big guys up there…When it’s busy they overwork you, when it’s quiet they don’t care about you and you get no shifts. The instability of life. Choices.
Such is life.
Do you ever stop and think about how you coped with things in the past?
I sometimes wonder why I get so many migraines, headaches, and sicknesses. Then I kind of get reminded that maybe I am not eating properly, not sleeping properly, and probably doing one too many things at once.
Stress is an interesting thing and it can change over time and comes in all types of shapes and sizes.
I was reflecting back on my undergraduate university days and remembered that every day was full of things to do.
I was studying full-time, and in pharmacy we had quite a lot of contact hours…we had practicals that were 5 hours long, workshops, lectures, etc etc. It was a hectic life, on top of that I also worked two days a week in a cafe for 3 years, a retail pharmacy for one year, and in a hospital in my final year. I remembered playing in a team for the weekly badminton competition, I also remembered being captain of my very own Vets team. Then there were the religious commitments I used to have, I was in the church band, and they had weekly rehearsals on Saturdays…as well as the actual ‘performance’ days on Sundays which took up most of the day. I used to spend almost every day before a test or an exam studying at uni until well after 10 pm..to then wake up the next day at 6:30am and do it all again.
I remember one day, before an important test..I was studying late at night at the university..revising.. and I got a phone call. It was my mum. She said Grandmother had passed away. I was in shock. This couldn’t be happening! Not now…I just can’t deal with it…I couldn’t study any more after that. I don’t know how I managed to make myself go to that test and do so well… In hindsight, I could have applied to defer that test if I wanted to…but I didn’t.
That experience woke me up a little, it made me feel all sorts of feelings. It made me feel guilty most of all. WHY didn’t I spend more time with my grandmother when she was alive? Why did I prioritise STUDYING so much? Why did I want to do well in university when I could have just got through with average grades…Why was I so afraid of NOT doing well? Of failing? Where were my priorities? I don’t know why I worked so hard and I don’t know if it was worth it? It’s so easy to get obsessed with things for me…I was obsessed with badminton…with music…with drawing…with anime…I don’t know. Passion? Entertainment? I don’t know. Honestly…now I am probably just obsessed with working and getting money. For what? Do I think a house or holiday will make me happy? Maybe. Maybe for a little bit. But then what, I’ll be sad again?
I have to constantly remind myself, life is short. We don’t know when our end is. What will we regret when we are older that we wished we did more?
I ask myself this because there are many decisions we have to make. There are many pathways we could go…but it all takes risks…There are some many “I WISHES” and hopefully we can get to them before it is ‘Too late’ and anyways I am not even sure where this post is going anymore…
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For the last two days..while I was driving to work I saw a rainbow in the sky.
On the first day that I saw it…I was like..is this a sign that everything is going to be okay? That despite all the decisions, changes, and stresses- will it really be okay?
Today, I saw the rainbow again and I felt kind of angry at it…’ Why’ I asked myself, are you giving me false hope? Is everything going to get better? Why does it feel like it is getting worse?
I think something is wrong when you are angry at something that beautiful in the sky.
I have been reminded lately, that I am responsible for my own happiness..and I need to stop letting circumstances, other people, and things from biting away my own happiness.
I am somewhat responsible for all the stress I have been feeling…overcommitting to too many things and somehow believing I can do it all well. I can make a choice not to stress myself out and put down some things…if I wanted..but I still choose not to…being undecided.
Yesterday, a thought suddenly occurred to me… which had never occurred to me before… How can we trust those people around us?
I am not only referring to family members, friends, or lovers…but like the people who we may or may not know that are serving us in someway…behind a counter…or driving the bus that you may be catching to work…
Society is built on a trust that people will do their jobs in a safe and correct manner… In some ways, people will either use or not use a service based on their reputation and by word of mouth… However, in the case of public transport…we really do not have an alternative option…because it is something the government organises and there are not alternatives at this moment…
The reason I was thinking about this, was that I know one of my methadone clients at my workplace works for Uber Eats… I am not trying to say that all methadone clients are aggressive and rude…but this one is… I would personally, be scared and not really want them to be my uber eat deliverer… As I confront the feelings of why I feel this way…I just don’t trust them…?! What if they leave their delivery bag near drugs or they smoke weed… what if some drugs fall into the food? What if the bag is just dirty?? (Could apply to anyone delivering..do they clean those bags they use?)…Maybe it’s just me who overthinks these things…or SHOULD we be thinking of these things? Because I know restaurants in Australia have strict rules and regulations about cleanliness and hygiene control…but what about the people delivering the food?!!? What if they tamper with it while distributing it?
So much to think about .. :(…
Needless to say, I won’t be ordering food delivery for awhile…
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Exactly one year ago I stepped into a room full of people I did not know and began what would be the first step of employment at my current company…Little did I know what I would expect..
So many things I have learnt since then, experienced, cried over, rejoiced over…so many feelings and memories.
The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. One year passed by in the blink of an eye. To think that we only get about, say, 100 years to live…I have spent 1% of my life at this company. It makes me feel old, makes me appreciate the time…and to consider whether or not now is a good time to move on with my life. There is so much I feel like I haven’t lived..haven’t experienced…and there is still much to learn.
It’s so easy for some people to stay put in one job for 5, 10, 20 or heck even 40 years. How do you do it?
Maybe I just have commitment issues…
Yes, you may become incredibly good and senior in your job…but where is the diversity? …in different environments you are forced to change, adapt, grow, and experience new and different ways of doing things.
Yes, it can be hard to say goodbye to familiar settings, people, ways…but it can also set you free to become someone even better.
I think this year will close a chapter of my life in a way. Let’s start moving on next year…it’s time to prepare for some changes,