Lasik failure :(

I was so worried about post surgery complications, I didn’t even consider that the procedure would be a failure…

Prior to the surgery, I was given the choice to take some sleeping tablets to help “relax me”.. and of course I took it.. I was nervous as hell.. but little did I know what would happen next.

I don’t know how often this happens, but I was all gowned up with the hairnet, shoe covers, and ready to get lasik. I had to go through numerous stinging eyedrops, face disinfected, text over my eyes…and then they propped openmy eyes with something so I couldn’t blink.. that was a bit painful. I had to stare at a green light above me that sort of suctioned onto my eye. It was uncomfortable, there was drilling sounds, I was scared shitless. I think I knew something was wrong because the machine kept coming off and back on to my eye…what felt like an eternity later (but was probably a minute later), the doctor aborted the surgery. He had made two incisions in the flaps of my eye to try lift them, but apparently couldn’t because the shape of me eyes were weird. But mate, aren’t you supposed to check that pre-surgery? At that time I was too drowsy to say anything and really remember much.. I was taken to a recovery area with a ned.. and given an icepack for my now inflammed rye.. they were talking about there being bubbles in my eyes. WTF.

The doctor pulled me back into his room and tried to explain what happened, but he used all this medical jargon (about eyes) which I didn’t understand and was too sleepy to ask about. Why do they do that? After drugging you up telling you all this important stuff? He took out the after lasik pack which had been shown to me by a optometrist assistant prior to going into the surgery. He chucked away the antibiotic eyedrops and said “You won’t need this”. But what if I do? You have made two cuts in my eye! I can see the blood lines there and it freaks me out.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so disappointed, dissatisfied , disgusted, depressed, and yet damn angry. I have been knocked out the rest of the day. All that damn anxiety and dread leading up to the surgery day…

They also made me pay upfront BEFORE i had the surgery. What scammers. In the end they apparently “refunded” it to me on my credit card.. but honestly I can’t see it there yet…I won’t let them get away with that one. 😤😤😤

Some of my friends have told me to sue them for medical negligence. Whilst it sounds like s annoying and long-winded expensive process… I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what I did and who knows how long my eyes will take to recover? They didn’t even tell me if I can wear contacts again.. do I have to wear sunglasses everywhere? Am I not allowed to wash my hair with shampoo? Which is what their information sheets say, but they didn’t write one up for botched surgeries.

A mixture of guilt and sadness also lies within my mind. Why did I want so bad to not have glasses? I guess they might be the safest option now…

-Sad

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Random Rants: Are you happy right now?

When you earn more money, do you get more stingy? Or do you become more generous?

I find that the more I earn…the more I spend…but at the same time, I also try to be careful with my money. It’s a ‘balancing act’…Earn more..can spend more…thus not saving more.

It’s a conundrum. It’s great you are earning more…but you also pay more tax…and then you end up with less than you initially imagined.

The ability to earn more…means you can afford to go on holidays in which you couldn’t before…do you take the time off and go on a holiday? Or do you keep saving and saving until one day..you can’t work anymore?

Such is life…I guess you have to choose whether you are happy, satisfied with how much you have.

You could be poor and happy. You could be rich but sad.

So many decisions to make…Do you take the risk to do a job that offers you one-two month contracts at a time, with no guarantee of ongoing work? Or do you instead continue part-time work …that also doesn’t offer you any more hours? But it is permanent. Or do you remain casual, which is flexible…but where you get pushed around by the big guys up there…When it’s busy they overwork you, when it’s quiet they don’t care about you and you get no shifts. The instability of life. Choices.

Such is life.

Big fish in a small bowl

So I listened to a podcast about an interview with a girl that was part of one of ‘The Bachelor’ series. If you don’t know what this series is about, it’s basically like one guy that around 24 girls are trying to fight with each other to win over. It actually sounds quite stupid, if you ask me. What makes that one guy that special that 24 pretty girls are fighting over him?

I guess it may be the big fish in a small bowl effect. Because they are all taken out of their normal lives, with no access to the internet, other people..etc they just all behave differently than they normally would. In the real world would you really fight over this one guy that you know is seeing 23 other girls at the same time? NO, you will just think of him as a dirty player and find someone else better that does not go out with other girls at the same time as you. Most of them wouldn’t even swipe right on Tinder for them I don’t understand how the girls in this show could genuinely be in love with this guy…doesn’t it piss them off to know that he is seeing so many other girls at the same time?! That would piss me off greatly. L.O.L.

Anyways, I am using this example to try and explain the tunnel vision that sometimes we may have in our lives. We think that things are a certain way because that’s all we have ever known, but elsewhere..be it another state or country…things are done differently. People are different. There is so much of life that is yet to be explored and sometimes we feel like there are not enough fishes in the sea, but maybe we just haven’t been brave enough to explore the ocean in its entirety.

For example, you may think… that you will never meet ‘the one’ for you. But, maybe he or she is not living in your small town…what are the chances that your soul mate is conveniently located in the same place as us?  Maybe, we have to expand our world a bit further…and become a small fish in a very very big bowl.

ps…and in other words…I am starting a new job tomorrow! First day…feel very much like a small fish entering in a massive seaworld themepark ..>.< wish me luck!!

pps. Thanks for the 2000 visits to this page!

 

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In the face of uncertainty

I have always been a person who hated surprises or unknowns…I am just really bad at dealing with things that do not go to plan.

I think that might be the case for others too…When things change..when your favourite supermarket closes down, when that brand of leave in hair conditioner that has been discontinued or when the ownership of your favourite sushi restaurant goes to someone else… All these inconveniences and small mishaps can build up and you suddenly feel like nothing is a constant anymore. These things are what hold us down, ground us and perhaps makes us feel ‘safe’.

But the truth is, nothing lasts forever, all things have to come to an end at some stage or another. What in life is truly guaranteed? Except, Death of course…unless you somehow have worked out a way to become immortal. If so, please let me know your secrets…

In the face of uncertainty, what do you choose? Do you choose to take a risk or do you start with what is familiar, safe and the same?