I’ve pretty much all but given up relying on people. It seems like everyone is fickle, unreliable, and do not take responsibility for their actions. It’s been waves of disappointments on disappointments. I am just highly disappointed in so many people. It’s so frustrating for me, that my life is made harder by unreliable and inconsistent people. I really hate people honestly. At the end of the day I am still a person, so do I hate myself too? I should just become like them. Unreliable. Useless. And a liar. It is what it is I guess.
In the moment, you feel like everything is but a dream.. it feels too good to be true
You don’t want to wake up from your dream
Entranced by the surreality of the the life you live in
Chasing the end of the rainbows, seeking the treasures that you find
Heads in the clouds, hearts flying with the birds in the sky
When everything ends, you know you proved yourself right
It was really too good to be true. 💭
If you saw someone talking to themselves when no one is around, normally you would think they are a crazy, Psychotic, schizophrenic, delirious person.
However… thanks to the creation of podcasts, phones, and the internet.
Now you can talk to yourself all you want and no one will think you are crazy 🤪🤪😌😌.
Check out my podcast, link below.
Click the link above to hear the second episode of my series of interviews with a variety of people!
This episode interviews a radiographer on their normal duties at work and also what they side hustles are.
Hope you enjoy!
Hey guys, I recorded the first of I hope many .. podcast interviews with people studying or doing different professions! I hope you enjoy this first podcast and sorry for all the background noise.
I think it’s time for a reflection.
Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.
If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.
Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.
This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.
I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.
FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…
But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.
Nobody knows what goes on inside your head
In turn, you don’t know what goes inside theirs.
We go through life guessing, assuming, and dictating what we think others are thinking. Little do we know how wrong or maybe right we are.
How can we know someone, better than we know ourselves? We could know someone, but maybe they changed or perhaps you were only seeing an act that they put on?
How do you really really know someone? I guess you can’t. You can just hope that you do and trust they are who they say they are.
Do you ever have times .. usually at the middle of the night.. when you are trying to sleep because you have work or a flight early tmoro morning… and you cannot sleep.. because you keep ruminating over something again and again… so much so that the story becomes twisted and strays from the original. Your emotions, feelings, and thoughts taint your memory of what really happened…
The story becomes what you want it to be instead. A fragment of the truth, but what is the truth? Each person will tell it in a slightly different way. Just look at the bible, in the New Testament there are several books written about the same event but by different people.
Alas, this late night post to try to get off my mind what has been weighing on my mind for the last few weeks. I think, I need closure, I have to settle things, for once and hopefully for all.
When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…
When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?
Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?
When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…
When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…
When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before
When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?
When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness
Have you ever wished that you could take away someone’s sadness…anger issues..bad habits?
Have you, despite knowing you can’t change them- gotten angry, frustrated, and upset that despite all your immense efforts and hard work – they don’t change…or they change for a bit-then they go straight back to their old habits.
Why do we do that? Why do we try change people?
Sometimes our intentions may be good ones..we just want the best for them…you can see that they are acting toxic towards themselves or others…and you think alright…just need to change them…
But, as you might have realised..it’s incredibly hard to change someone, who doesn’t want to or understand why they need to change. If the self-determination isn’t there, they won’t be able to change…They will just continue thinking what they are doing is right. Unless they can see clearly why they need to change their behaviour…telling them… yelling at them…incenticising them will only lead so far 😦
Sometimes we tell ourselves things have to be a certain way or we won’t be and can’t be happy. People with OCD will understand what I mean…
This is an extremely unhealthy and unproductive way to think.
We tell ourselves things like, “If only I get that job or promotion, then I will be happy” , “If only that girl/guy liked me then I could be happy“…If only …[insert desire thing here]…then I would be happy…:(
How long is your “happy” feeling going to last anyway?
We are basically just setting ourselves up for failure…with the thinking that we wont ever be “happy” until something we desire happens…Does that mean we are just going to be “unhappy” until we get that thing?
Why do people desire this temporary feeling of happiness? It is such a fleeting, fickle moment in time that simmers down and disappears in a matter of hours, days or maybe if we are lucky weeks.
As I think they say in physics, that if something goes up, then it must also come down.
After we get desired happiness, we are at a limbo…are we happy now? Are we content? Probably not…you probably already found something else to crave for/desire…
Having black and white thinking about our dreams, goals and ambitions is not a good thing..instead we should thinking of them as shades of grays.
Yes, it is good to have these dreams, goals and ambitions, but we shouldn’t let these things determine whether we are happy people. How about we aim for that goal, but if we don’t reach it we can still be content that we are not where we used to be?
Just because that job that you got didn’t turn out to be what you thought it would be, the relationship that you were so sure would end in marriage; ended breaking up, even if you took an entrance exam three times and failed every time…. it doesn’t mean that you failed… it doesn’t mean you cannot be happy now.
Hey, be content. You have not reached your destination yet, but why not enjoy the journey? Who knows, you may even find a different path that is even greater than the one you had pictured for yourself. Things don’t have to be black and white, they can be grey. Be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to be happy now…enjoy the journey, because this journey is life long.
Happiness doesn’t fall upon you. It’s something that you actively have to choose to be, strive for, and work for. It is being aware that everything isn’t great now, but that you can be still content with where you are and know that you are going somewhere among the storm we call life.
Try live life with a bit of grey in it.
How crazy/convenient would it be if dating apps were utilised in the everyday world?
Imagine you pass by someone attractive, you have no idea whether they think you are attractive as well… You want to know them better, but you aren’t sure if they are interested as well… You want to say hi, but you are afraid that they will think you are a creep!
How do you even know they are single and looking to mingle?
Well, a dating app -(sorta) help with that!
Imagine walking by someone attractive and being able to press a smiley button or swipe them right?
Imagine you guys sent each other smiles- next you are able to start a conversation without feeling it is creepy….!
How much easier would it be, or harder if the interactions we used online were to apply online…would we understand each other’s behaviours and emotions better?
If we could dislike something someone said…so that they don’t have to guess our opinion on a matter?
Would the world be a more straightforward place with people where people’s thoughts would come to life into real actions?
I don’t know, what are your thoughts?
I’ve been reflecting upon the difference in thinking of when I was child and in comparison to now (I was about to say when I was an adult…–..–“)
I am going to put my thoughts on what a kid Joy might have thought and what an adult Joy might think.
On finding their ideal partner:
KID : I want to fall in love with a tall, handsome, rich blonde eye blue eye man with a six pack. He will also have a golden retriever and possibly be a prince.
ADULT: I just want to find someone who will accept me for who I am and how I look and act. That accepts the way I look like slob that I am at home and when I have no make up on…
KID : I wanna look like an adult…I wanna make my skin super white and cover up every blemish..! I wanna do eyeliner to make me look older…fake lashes..permed hair and red lipstick..high heels…
ADULT: OH GAWD I need to buy this expensive as MAC primer, blue and BB cream to make my face look like it has no make up…! Actually, stuff this…rather just be insecure about myself, how about I just learn to love and accept myself for who I am and stop wanting an ideal version of me that I will never assatain?
On Fast FOOD:
KID : Mum said I can have Maccas if I don’t cry when I get my flu vaccination! I can’t wait..it’s sooo rare we get maccas! I am so excited. Filet-o-fish here we come!!
ADULT: OH GAWD this is the 3rd time I’ve been to maccas this week..! #$#$ I wish I had time to eat better food..?!?! Why does maccas have to be the closest restaurant to work?!?! Time to diet T_T
KID : OMG I WANT A DOG PLZ CAN I HAVE A DOG PLZ . I promise to take it on walks everyday and pick up all its sheet!
ADULT: OMG I want a dog. BUT I don’t have the time to look after the dog at the moment. I want to be a responsible dog owner. T_T
KID : I CAN’T WAIT TILL I TURN 16 and get my Ls! OMG I can finally drive! I am going to go out everyday and party! Finally I will be come a social butterfly and be the most popular girl in my friendship group! I am going to pick up all my friends in my mums car..ohohoho
ADULT: FML . I don’t wanna drive in this #$#$ heavy peak hour traffic. SIGH why didn’t I catch a bus? Why can’t someone drive me? Why do I have to pick up ______ again? DAMMIT this car… OH SHEET petrol is so expensive again..FML this car is so expensive to maintain…OH WAIT rego is due again..there goes another $760…and oh no service next month..$400++ oh sigh. Why is it so expensive to keep a car? I rather a dog instead. lols. woof.
KID : NOOooo I don’t wanna go shopping with you mum its soo boring…@@
ADULT: Oh gawd…I can’t stop buying things on eBay.com and amazon…HOW DID I SPEND SO MUCH MONEY?!?!?!
KID : NOoooooo I don’t wanna sleep! Its only 9pm!!!!!!! I wanna stay up and read my book…I wanna talk with my friends..I wanna…eat….
ADULT: I am so sleep deprived. I just want a day to do nothing but sleep.
FML I only get 5 hours of sleep if I sleep straight away..! SIGH why do I have to get up so early for work everyday. I am so tired…all the time..I am addicted to caffeine.
and last but not least…
KID : I can’t WAIT TO GET A JOB and earn money! Then I won’t have to rely on the merger amount of money that I get free from my parents! I CAN’T WAIT TO BECOME AN ADULT…
ADULT: FML . I wanna quit my job. it’s too stressful, it wasn’t what I imagined it would be, the other staff are bullies, the pay sucks, the patients suck, my hours suck, my life sucks. I am depressed. OH GOD I NEED A HOLIDAY. STAT. Why does working life suck so much? Why does being an adult suck so much …can I be a kid again?
OH lol this isn’t all true! Just for lols…hahah I was just thinking…about how much we change huh? If we think about who we used to be as kids and who we are now, would we tell ourselves? It’s like we are two completely different people that have existed.
Is there anything that you’ve noticed that has changed in your perception of life from when you were a kid and has changed now that you are an adult? If you want to, please leave your comments on those things below!
Joy to the World~
Time to get that 5.3 hours 13 minutes and 2 seconds of sleep….
Letting people down can be extremely hard for those with low self-confidence…this is my story
Continuing in the same mindset as my last post…I want to reiterate the fact that kindness is not a weakness…it is something that makes the world go round …but it comes to a point that..,you have to decide..that you have had enough. And it is time to stop people walking all over you. Whether you speak up in words, actions or in plans…just step up.
Essentially we have to let people down. Because if we always say yes. Then of course they will continue to walk all over you, why? because you are basically grovelling at their feet.
I hate it when people say the words, “But XXX always does it this”. Well, la-di-da that;s them and I am me. I do things my way.
At the work place I do some locus work for, the clients are so used to getting a chewing gum after each dose that they receive… this chewing gum is not provided by the clinic but is something the normal pharmacist provides out of her own pocket. She is awesome right? But when she goes on leave for 3 weeks, does that mean I have to also follow her actions and buy gum for her? She was spoiling them….she would have had to go through at least 3 packets of gums/DAY for all their clients and their kids…
I know the pharmacist there always said yes to everything the nurses and doctors asked of her..even when she had shut down the computer and locked everything away…but is that what I have to do?
Well, to be honest I did…I did it for how many weeks, months ? at the other locations..I would stat well over 2 hours past the time I got paid to..
Then I remember a friend saying, when they do over time..without getting paid…it is like slavery.. modern day slavery…or volunteer work. I don’t understand how people, who know that you finish at 12…you stopped getting paid at 12…expect you to stick around…just so that they have less work to do…they don’t even ask if you are leaving…they present to you new clients at 12:15 and expect you to dose them..? Really?
Will you pay me out of your own pocket?
I am not trying to sound ungrateful or not be a team player. I just don’t understand how someone can make me feel so bad for actually leaving on time (even 10 minutes after finish time)…for the first time in forever?
Why did you make me feel so guilty and act like that? I am sorry if you didn’t tell me to prepare a late dose…am I supposed to wait around until things happen and then I get to leave? After12, it is your responsibility to dose…you know the times…just coz the previous pharmacist was too nice and lenient..doesn’t mean I have to be ..
Anyways, awkwardly I left. Glad that I am not planning to go back soon. I drive 1.5 hours a day to get there for a lousy three hour shift. It is so freaking hot these days too. I am grateful that I get to meet up a good friend from uni there for lunch every now and then…I am also able to visit the Elizabeth crew there as well…the shopping is great. But if you asked me to cover there again, no thank you. In terms of my own mental health, drowsiness from the drive and waste of petrol..and work place issues..no thank you. I am good.
I am finally deciding for myself that I can no longer do seven days a week on end. I am just so tired…headaches ..migraines…why try chase more money?
To be honest, the more money I seem to earn./..the more I spend and hence this viscous cycle…I am going to earn less next month, but save more…I will have to budget better, eat at home more , meal prep and think about what I spend my money on more carefully. Because I really can’t afford to collapse or crash my car out of tiredness and lethargy.
I know I push myself too far..and too much…I hate letting people down..it just eats away my soul…and bothers me so much I have to blog about it!
but, I have to start somewhere and today I let down that nurse and that doctor, and yes they may hate me. but, I hope they also learn to respect that my time is valuable as well and that I am not just someone to be trampled and walked on.
Just gotta learn that we will let people down…
Have a Jolly Joy-some day~
p e a c e
At the gym I go to, they were still open 24/7 over the Christmas/New Period but they stopped running the live classes…
This was a real struggle for me … as I force myself o go to the gym for those classes… so I really had no incentive to go…so I went like once a week.. and that’s mainly coz I am cheap and I hated seeing my membership fees being deducted from my bank account and realising they are getting free money…
Anyways, what I am trying to say is… I normally do not do weights and cardio work out by myself… I am someone highly motivated by having people around me working hard…hence love those classes…!
So I went to the gym twice over the holiday period.. On the first visit..I went on the treadmill… I was like .. hmmm this sure looks like a good way to get my 10,000 steps on my fitbit..!! So I started off slow 4.5km/hour speed.. up to 8.0km/h (not fast I know)… did that for about a minute or so (seriously out of breath…unfit 😦 ) and them took a bit of a break by slowing down to 4.5 km/h just to get recover my breath… coz tired..!! I did this for 20minutes… and was super tired.. I managed to do 2km distance in that 20minutes! Not bad..? For me 😂
On the second visit.. I was feeling really lethargic of late ( prob due to iron deficiency).. and I decided I wouldn’t do those speed intervals because the sprinting really takes the wind out of me… but I also hate walking really slow on the treadmill😭 I am a pretty fast walker…probably due to the fact I work in a lot of faced-paced environments where I cannot walk slow :(.. so I set it at a constant speed of 6.5km/hour.. so mid way between what I did in my first visit…
And it was great .. I didn’t have to constantly look at the little time and have to keep changing the speeds on the right up and down.. and I didn’t feel as exhausted and worn out at the end of 10 minutes.. And I did the same…! At the end .. I got the same result. 1km/10 minutes essentially!
But this way.. was better..easier and didn’t tire me out…
it was interesting how I feel like that can relate to me and how I have been living my life… I go through periods of extreme stress .. leading to anxiety, depression and mental breakdowns…to a point where I can’t take it amy more.. then I am forced to rest… my body shuts down in sickness .. and thats when I recover.. start to remember my health and my sanity again…
The reason why I’ve been working so hard for the last six months with no break (literally working 7 days a week for I am not sure how many weeks it is now)… is because I felt I was so behind in life… in comparison to my friends… those my age are getting married, have moved overseas to work… buying houses.. doing all this exciting stuff and what I feel is “adult” stuff.. and there was me… who blew my savings recklessly on an expensive holiday overseas… and on some scam medicine entrance exam course….I felt I needed to catchup by working myself to almost death -? Because I am so tired all the time, worn out… burnt out… sick so often and can’t even relax…get irritable… can’t eat properly.. don’t have time or energy to see friends…
I am asking myself..? Why do I meed to do all this sprinting to try catch up to everyone else? I am just going o get exhausted and need a really good rest-where I might have to stop work altogether for s break… because if I am constant with myself.. mot too much.. not too little.., I can reach that end goal without over exerting myself.. and still enjoy a good work out that is life…
Thanks for reading my weird analogies o life.. i literally wrote this at 4am because I woke up with blood running down my face from my nose… oops
Stay Joyful guys!