Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Scared to be Lonely

When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…

When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?

Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?

When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…

When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…

When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before

When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?

When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness

Comparisons

Comparisons. Unfortunately, we all do it. Whether or not its intentional or it just happens. It’s hard to avoid, but it can be toxic as.

We compare ourselves in an attempt for us to supposedly feel better.

At least I am not as evil as her!

At least I didn’t make the same mistake as them

At least I am better than them.

We also do it to make ourselves worse…

Why wasn’t I chosen for the new position? I thought I was as good as they were.

If only I was taller, smarter, prettier, richer, popular… as them

How come they get that and I don’t…I wish I was more like them.

Not great examples..but I hope you get my point. In a round about way, and as most motivational self-help hippy guidebooks would probably say…

Just compare yourself to who you were before.

But I mean it doesn’t always work…What if you were fatter now than before? What if you were pretty and then something happened and you aren’t considered pretty anymore?

 

I am not even sure what this post was even supposed to be about. Some sort of ramble about comparing yourself to others being bad. I think we should try avoid it as much as we can. Just sort of see it as, oh okay…I didn’t get the promotion…maybe I am meant to do something else…or perhaps it’s a sign I should look for a new job…if they seem to be overlooking me… I am determined to finish this post on a slightly positive note…

If one door closes, then another is probably about to open…we just have to stop focusing on the closed door…and realise it may have have to be closed to open the way for new opportunities.

Three days to D-Day ….. ;o

Let things not go to plan

How many people have imagined that they would be something, married someone, or gave birth to x number of kids by this time?

We only beat ourselves up when we haven’t followed to the tee our plans and visions for our lives.

I am super guilty of trying to plan and control all the variables of my life. I have used countless number of diaries, online calendars/apps, vision boards and basically notes things to do/achieve stuck just all over my room.

We all make our own timeline for ourselves, but so often than not… we don’t end up achieving said goals and we end up feeling upset at ourselves. We check facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and notice that everyone else is buying their “dream house”, getting hitched, having kids and just living a life that seems way more ahead and special than our own. We convince ourselves that we aren’t as good as them…

But I know how it feels to be the one envied.. I have friends overseas who only had my Facebook photos to see how I am and they think how “Happy” I looked in those photos I was tagged in… and how “Perfect” my life seemed. But little did they know, .. how that time I was actually anxious, stressed and burnt out. We paint the picture we want to show the world of how “good” our life seems… but it actually does more harm than good. People think we are fine, when we really aren’t.

In order to be more true to myself and to actually see how people are, instead of assuming…I stopped my use of those social networking websites that promote showing off the good side your life. Obviously, there are great benefits of these social networking sites and they are not “evil” or “bad” to use, but when we start comparing our lives to others on a daily basis and get upset, isn’t it time to give it a break and just start living your own life? That’s my own choice anyways…

My key take home message is..

Just live your own life in your own timeline´┐╝ and don’t worry about what anybody else is doing.