Do you ever have times .. usually at the middle of the night.. when you are trying to sleep because you have work or a flight early tmoro morning… and you cannot sleep.. because you keep ruminating over something again and again… so much so that the story becomes twisted and strays from the original. Your emotions, feelings, and thoughts taint your memory of what really happened…
The story becomes what you want it to be instead. A fragment of the truth, but what is the truth? Each person will tell it in a slightly different way. Just look at the bible, in the New Testament there are several books written about the same event but by different people.
Alas, this late night post to try to get off my mind what has been weighing on my mind for the last few weeks. I think, I need closure, I have to settle things, for once and hopefully for all.
Find yourself someone who can accept you for who you are. Your faults, your strengths, who can understand the way you think..if they make you feel bad for being yourself, then they probably aren’t the right person for you.
I read somewhere before, that just because a relationship didn’t work out.. doesn’t mean that there is something broken or unlovable about you. Yes, maybe there is things you need to work on.. but that doesn’t mean that no one will ever love you. It can be sad when you get your heart broken… but sadly that’s part of life.
I don’t know if I believe in ‘The one’ anymore…maybe there will be many ‘The Ones’ and maybe there will just be one. But I truly believe if you put all your effort into something and it didn’t work out.. it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of something else. You change your perception.. you know a little bit better what you like and don’t like… you grow a little stronger.. even though you feel so weak.
Maybe there isn’t even ‘the one’ for you… and that’s fine. I think it’s fine. I believe You can live comfortably by yourself.. and that’s okay too. No one to hurt you, to worry you or cause you to be angry. Maybe a dog or cat. Who knows.
I don’t know. I just think take it as it is. Sometimes life doesn’t go your way.. but just gotta reflect on it and try bounce back.
Letting people down can be extremely hard for those with low self-confidence…this is my story
Continuing in the same mindset as my last post…I want to reiterate the fact that kindness is not a weakness…it is something that makes the world go round …but it comes to a point that..,you have to decide..that you have had enough. And it is time to stop people walking all over you. Whether you speak up in words, actions or in plans…just step up.
Essentially we have to let people down. Because if we always say yes. Then of course they will continue to walk all over you, why? because you are basically grovelling at their feet.
I hate it when people say the words, “But XXX always does it this”. Well, la-di-da that;s them and I am me. I do things my way.
At the work place I do some locus work for, the clients are so used to getting a chewing gum after each dose that they receive… this chewing gum is not provided by the clinic but is something the normal pharmacist provides out of her own pocket. She is awesome right? But when she goes on leave for 3 weeks, does that mean I have to also follow her actions and buy gum for her? She was spoiling them….she would have had to go through at least 3 packets of gums/DAY for all their clients and their kids…
I know the pharmacist there always said yes to everything the nurses and doctors asked of her..even when she had shut down the computer and locked everything away…but is that what I have to do?
Well, to be honest I did…I did it for how many weeks, months ? at the other locations..I would stat well over 2 hours past the time I got paid to..
Then I remember a friend saying, when they do over time..without getting paid…it is like slavery.. modern day slavery…or volunteer work. I don’t understand how people, who know that you finish at 12…you stopped getting paid at 12…expect you to stick around…just so that they have less work to do…they don’t even ask if you are leaving…they present to you new clients at 12:15 and expect you to dose them..? Really?
Will you pay me out of your own pocket?
I am not trying to sound ungrateful or not be a team player. I just don’t understand how someone can make me feel so bad for actually leaving on time (even 10 minutes after finish time)…for the first time in forever?
Why did you make me feel so guilty and act like that? I am sorry if you didn’t tell me to prepare a late dose…am I supposed to wait around until things happen and then I get to leave? After12, it is your responsibility to dose…you know the times…just coz the previous pharmacist was too nice and lenient..doesn’t mean I have to be ..
Anyways, awkwardly I left. Glad that I am not planning to go back soon. I drive 1.5 hours a day to get there for a lousy three hour shift. It is so freaking hot these days too. I am grateful that I get to meet up a good friend from uni there for lunch every now and then…I am also able to visit the Elizabeth crew there as well…the shopping is great. But if you asked me to cover there again, no thank you. In terms of my own mental health, drowsiness from the drive and waste of petrol..and work place issues..no thank you. I am good.
I am finally deciding for myself that I can no longer do seven days a week on end. I am just so tired…headaches ..migraines…why try chase more money?
To be honest, the more money I seem to earn./..the more I spend and hence this viscous cycle…I am going to earn less next month, but save more…I will have to budget better, eat at home more , meal prep and think about what I spend my money on more carefully. Because I really can’t afford to collapse or crash my car out of tiredness and lethargy.
I know I push myself too far..and too much…I hate letting people down..it just eats away my soul…and bothers me so much I have to blog about it!
but, I have to start somewhere and today I let down that nurse and that doctor, and yes they may hate me. but, I hope they also learn to respect that my time is valuable as well and that I am not just someone to be trampled and walked on.
At the gym I go to, they were still open 24/7 over the Christmas/New Period but they stopped running the live classes…
This was a real struggle for me … as I force myself o go to the gym for those classes… so I really had no incentive to go…so I went like once a week.. and that’s mainly coz I am cheap and I hated seeing my membership fees being deducted from my bank account and realising they are getting free money…
Anyways, what I am trying to say is… I normally do not do weights and cardio work out by myself… I am someone highly motivated by having people around me working hard…hence love those classes…!
So I went to the gym twice over the holiday period.. On the first visit..I went on the treadmill… I was like .. hmmm this sure looks like a good way to get my 10,000 steps on my fitbit..!! So I started off slow 4.5km/hour speed.. up to 8.0km/h (not fast I know)… did that for about a minute or so (seriously out of breath…unfit 😦 ) and them took a bit of a break by slowing down to 4.5 km/h just to get recover my breath… coz tired..!! I did this for 20minutes… and was super tired.. I managed to do 2km distance in that 20minutes! Not bad..? For me 😂
On the second visit.. I was feeling really lethargic of late ( prob due to iron deficiency).. and I decided I wouldn’t do those speed intervals because the sprinting really takes the wind out of me… but I also hate walking really slow on the treadmill😭 I am a pretty fast walker…probably due to the fact I work in a lot of faced-paced environments where I cannot walk slow :(.. so I set it at a constant speed of 6.5km/hour.. so mid way between what I did in my first visit…
And it was great .. I didn’t have to constantly look at the little time and have to keep changing the speeds on the right up and down.. and I didn’t feel as exhausted and worn out at the end of 10 minutes.. And I did the same…! At the end .. I got the same result. 1km/10 minutes essentially!
But this way.. was better..easier and didn’t tire me out…
it was interesting how I feel like that can relate to me and how I have been living my life… I go through periods of extreme stress .. leading to anxiety, depression and mental breakdowns…to a point where I can’t take it amy more.. then I am forced to rest… my body shuts down in sickness .. and thats when I recover.. start to remember my health and my sanity again…
The reason why I’ve been working so hard for the last six months with no break (literally working 7 days a week for I am not sure how many weeks it is now)… is because I felt I was so behind in life… in comparison to my friends… those my age are getting married, have moved overseas to work… buying houses.. doing all this exciting stuff and what I feel is “adult” stuff.. and there was me… who blew my savings recklessly on an expensive holiday overseas… and on some scam medicine entrance exam course….I felt I needed to catchup by working myself to almost death -? Because I am so tired all the time, worn out… burnt out… sick so often and can’t even relax…get irritable… can’t eat properly.. don’t have time or energy to see friends…
I am asking myself..? Why do I meed to do all this sprinting to try catch up to everyone else? I am just going o get exhausted and need a really good rest-where I might have to stop work altogether for s break… because if I am constant with myself.. mot too much.. not too little.., I can reach that end goal without over exerting myself.. and still enjoy a good work out that is life…
Thanks for reading my weird analogies o life.. i literally wrote this at 4am because I woke up with blood running down my face from my nose… oops
I believe most people don’t like going to work…getting up early when its cold outside? No thanks! But, for those with mental illnesses, it can be torture and takes all their strength and energy to get out of bed. A typical day for me in the past in a retail pharmacy job would be something like this…before I decided to finally get help…
The thought of making small talk with people you might not really like or know is tortuous. Thinking of who will be in the lunchroom with you during lunch time is daunting too. What if your boss asks to speak to you?
The struggle to leave the bed
Maybe you should just stay home today?? But, we can’t do that! That means explaining to your boss that you don’t feel week and that’s lying and what if they fire you? You can’t tell them you have a mental illness, they won’t care, they won’t understand, they will judge you and label you as crazy, they will think you are faking a sickie. No one is going to hire you. You worked so hard to find this job. You thought that you could join a place that is ‘against discrimination’, but we all know that the stigma still exists. It is safer to be quiet, to be silent and to fight the battle alone …for as long as you can.
You count the seconds that you can get home
But today, it’s different, the depression comes back…it’s always been there…but you have been fighting it. You are barely able to muster enough strength to go to work. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Counting down the hours, minutes and seconds till you are back in the comfort of your bed. Where you are safe, where no one can harm you, bully you and make you feel like you are nothing. You don’t know if you are overreacting or if it’s the depression.
Lying that you are Fine
On the off chance, someone might ask you how you are. “I am fine thanks. Just tired” That’s the best you can come with. If they ask “Why are you tired?” …”Oh, couldn’t sleep”…Due to my racing thoughts of suicide and anxiety. But you can’t say that, can you? They are being ‘nice’, but hey I am not going to unload to some stranger…Work really isn’t the place for that. I think. Please don’t look at me. I don’t want people to notice my sadness. I don’t want to be noticed, I just want to pretend everything is okay. I don’t think you really care.
You are not productive at work
You are surprised you haven’t broken down on the floor crying. You hold back the tears. You feel guilty…There are sicker people who come to get medicine for all sorts of terrible diseases, yet they are still smiling. Yet you, faking that smile, feel like you are dying inside. So many people are on anti-depressants, but I don’t want to get help…what is work finds out? I work full-time…there’s no time to go see a doctor or a psychologist. These things are bloody expensive as well! No one can help me. It’s just a phase…I will get better on my own. I can’t wait for the weekend so I can sleep through it.
I can’t deal with small issues
When something small doesn’t go to plan, I just can’t problem solve anymore. I feel like there’s no alternative, there is no way. I am going to get fired for not being able to solve this. I am afraid to ask someone for help, they are going to judge me and look at me like I am stupid. It’s all my fault…I don’t know how to fix this! Why am I so useless and dumb?
My memory becomes like mush
My brain is constantly fighting with itself, flight or fight. My heart is racing and I am sweating. So nervous… I forget things easily, wait how many boxes of Sertraline do I need to order again? Was it 2 or 4? What was the password again? Oh, I left my keys in the car again. Oh, I also left my phone at home…Why I am so forgetful? Why am I stupid…repeat above. Why do I feel like I am going to cry over this small thing?
I feel ugly and I hate my reflection
I can barely wake up in time to get to work, let alone care about how shi* I look. My hair is a mess, it’s too long, but I can’t bring myself to get a haircut. It’s too much effort. Who cares anyway? The makeup doesn’t even hide the eye bags due to the constant lack of sleep. I feel like I’ve grown older. I stare at the mirror… Who is that soulless person that stares back at me? I don’t even know her? Why does she look so sad? Why is she so ugly?
No one is going to like her.
I feel apathetic
The normal me, before I became severely depressed, was happy, outgoing and chatty. But when I started at this toxic workplace, I lost it all. I became someone who I didn’t know. I didn’t care about the patients that walked through the door, I couldn’t handle the rudeness with a smile anymore. I just froze and fought back tears. My resilience was gone. The terror of the increasing number of mistakes made the anxiety worse. It made me even slower and made people doubt my abilities even more. I get taunted by the bully, “You are too slow! Why are you so useless?” You don’t need to tell me, I already know.
The depression makes you stay where you are because it feels even scarier to change
Familiar is not always good. When you stay in a toxic situation, it’s like being in a room full of Carbon Monoxide, it will slowly kill you. The depression lies to you, the bullies lie to you, you can move. You are more than their taunts, you are more than what you think you are. But you don’t know this. You only find out when you leave the toxic place and realise, that a good workplace might exist.
Well, that’s all the blabber from me today.
I am sure there are benefits from working, income, kill time, learn things and make friends…That can be another post.
I took part in an experiment which measured the use of social media in a week, my randomised action was that I had to delete the Instagram app on my phone and not use it for a week. Though I was tempted a few times, I quickly asked my self, is it necessary to show the world where you are? What you are eating? Who you are with?
After some deliberation, I think not. So why do people like to post so many selfies of their face on Instagram?
I have to admit, I didn’t realise that I was so lonely, until I deleted a lot of my apps, Facebook, Whatsapp, Youtube, Instagram and realised this is the way we ‘communicate’ with some many people. It is what connects us? Yet, also tears us apart. Is there going to be anyone who wants to meet up with me to catch up instead of sending a message? Truly, I am not sure if the world is closer than before or even further away.
So many people are isolated and lonely…and they can sit in front of a computer or phone screen scrolling through the ‘happy’ snaps that their ‘friends’ are posting of their ‘family’, their ‘holiday’ or their latest ‘home’ that they bought. While I am not saying these things are bad, but do you know what you are doing? Are you trying to rub it into everyone else’s faces that you have it better than them? Are you even genuinely happy or do you just want attention?
As I said, I am full guilty of this…I am insecure, I want attention, I want to fool my self that my life is happier, more interesting and better than it is. I don’t want people to see me down, to see me sad or lonely, I feel like people would criticise me…belittle me.
Recently, I have realised that well-meaning ‘friends’ have offended me greatly. I read a quote today,
It is easier to forgive an enemy than forgive a friend.
It is true though…because we actually care what our friends say and when they make us feel like shit without knowing it, you ask yourself are they even your real friend? They don’t know the struggles you are doing through and are insensitive bitches. This is why I boycotted pretty much all social media. I feel like I am dead, like hardly anyone talks to me now, except family and a few selected friends overseas through Line and Wechat. When did our world become so involved in facebook? Instagram? Snap Chat? When we leave it, it’s like we are dead and forgotten in the world. When we meet someone new, we don’t ask for phone numbers or emails anymore, no we ask for Facebook accounts. SO what if I don’t have one? Are we not going to keep in touch?
It feels weird sending someone a text and them not replying and you not knowing if they have ‘seen it’…but what can we do?
Man, I am getting so hyped up typing this.
So…. back on topic…how do you isolate yourself from social media? Just delete your apps, log out, delete and deactivate your accounts. Hopefully, those that you are actually close to, will call your phone or send you a text.
Addiction to social media is draining, stupid, harmful and time-consuming. It can definitely lead to FOMO and low self-esteem. Live life how you want to live it and stop looking at what everyone else is doing. what happened to human interaction? When did we become part robots with phones attached to our hands?
I am going to off with a quote by Thomas Edison himself…The guy who invented the ‘lightbulb moment! and the light bulb too’ …
“Of inspiration one percent; of perspiration, ninety-nine.” -Thomas Edison
So anyway, the point of this quote is that sometimes I don’t feel like writing because I don’t feel inspired to write…but the thing is… If everyone waited for inspiration before they did something great, we would all be waiting around a lot longer for that season 2 of The Good Doctor (shameless plug for my fave show) or the next series of our favourite Netflix Tv Shows (I don’t have Netflix so I am not sure whats on there..). But yes, the main point I am trying to make is that I will try consistently write in this blog, whether or not I am inspired because I have a lot I want to write about but I sometimes don’t feel it is not good enough, interesting enough or it may be written by someone else better. But anyway, everyone has their unique opinion and view and I am interested in hearing your views too.
Also, shout out to ‘The Mighty’ Autism Facebook page and on the main site here for featuring my post on Autism!! I’ve never had anyone except for my sister edit my work and I am forever grateful that they made my text more readable… Hopefully, thanks to the additional exposure to a greater audience, the awareness of Autism will continue to rise!
Anyways, enough babbling from me and now onto the topic of ‘How you can help someone with a mental illness’..The dos and the don’t dos’..does this sentence even make sense? Well, you get my drift right?
1. Please do take it seriously when we disclose to your our mental illness…
It takes a lot of courage and boldness to share about our internal struggles with the outside world. A lot of hurt, addictions and the stigma that surrounds it can prevent us from sharing. We get affected by how you react, how you might think and the way you may behave towards us after we share with you. No, it’s not just going to go away, it is there for life. Sure, we can manage it with drugs, therapy, and lifestyle changes, but it is a part of us and it has shaped us to be who we are today. So, please don’t belittle our condition, it’s not like we chose to be born with it..or for it to be part of us.
2. Don’t compare my struggles to your own life-every story and person is different.
This is more so for the people who don’t have the mental condition you have and they try to dismiss your anxieties as something that will pass…They even might say… “I had it worse than you in my own days!” Often this is said by a well-meaning older person to cheer the sad younger person up… but it does NOT help. Your circumstances and mine are different, we are two different people and just because you can’t see my illness, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. From my own personal experience, being brought up in an Asian Christian family meant that Mental Illness is the taboo topic that no one talks about and it made me believe I was flawed and that I had to keep my struggles to myself. I have nothing against Christianity, but I do believe they need to acknowledge that Mental Illness is real as high blood pressure is and may need treatment! Back when I was going through a really hard time due at an old workplace, I finally saw a GP about my insomnia and he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. He said I should see a psychologist and that I should start medication. I didn’t really want to start medications, so I said I would think about it. I talked to my leader at that church about it and they advised me not to take medications, but to pray to God to heal me instead. So, I continued my suffering…until it got so bad and the suicidal thoughts were real…I talked to a pastor of the church about my struggles and she was like…start the medication…You are in such a bad place-even faith can’t help you right now. Anyways, point being, mental illness is a real condition and while it cannot be cured, you can ‘manage’ it.
3. Do keep in touch regularly with your friend/family member that is struggling in their mental illness and don’t take it personally if they are not as ‘happy and fun to be around’ or ‘outgoing’ as they used to be
Having personally experienced multiple depressive episodes, I know the struggles and difficulties of even getting up in the morning from bed! A social gathering with many people I don’t know very well? That’s like me climbing Mt. Everest mate! That’s a lot of effort for someone with social anxiety and depression. While we don’t want to be alone, we don’t have the energy to interact with people and to pretend to be happy and nice to people when we are dying inside. I have had to cancel on numerous people due to being sick because I have been too anxious and had panic attacks… Most people don’t even know I have them, because I am usually reluctant to go out if I feel one coming on. I once went out with someone, who took my panic attack symptoms to be a joke. Literally. They just laughed at me and did not take me seriously…That…really hurt…and made me want to avoid all social contact for a while ( and avoid them)…until I started to trust and build a closer friendship with people that aren’t like them. There are people who will understand you and there are people who don’t and you don’t have to be friends with them. Eff them. Sorry for the angry rant and bad language… What was I talking about again? Oh yes, please continue to reach out to them! Maybe you can’t physically meet up with them, but you can message them with encouragement, love and let them know that anytime they need/want to talk that you are there for them..<3
4. Do Help them with resources to help themselves and encourage them to seek help
If someone tells you they are struggling, don’t think that you are now responsible for their well-being and to prevent them from doing harm to themselves. Yes, you care about them, but well all aren’t a trained professional therapist (that’s great if you are! keep doing a good job) and psychiatrists. So, while we can offer peer support, we can help them with real therapy and medications. Let them know about different helplines, drop in places and understanding GPs that can help point them in the right direction. If they are worried about going to their first therapy alone, maybe offer to accompany them for the first few times, until they feel comfortable going alone. Help them build a support network for themselves and this helps you as well so that you don’t have to bear the full weight and responsibility for their well-being. Recommending good articles, websites, books, music, and movies about mental health also help increase their knowledge about the disease too.
5. Don’t stereotype people by their mental illness
I’ve touched on this in a way on my post about Myths about Autism. Mental illness manifests differently in everyone and by judging you aren’t helping the situation. Even if we have a common certain mental illness, each person’s experience of it is different. After learning that I might have autism, I have since then had the opportunity to meet many others that also have autism…and I can say without a doubt, that they come in all shapes and sizes. Extroverts, introverts, non-verbals and just your everyday quiet dude and they are mostly all interesting people. There is no point in trying to generalise, but there are common traits. One other thing I thought I may add here, is that I have found sometimes doctors don’t take a certain physical symptom I have seriously because they think it is due to ‘my mental illness’. This can include things like my asthma and recurrent migraines (oh it’s just because of your panic attacks, anxiety, and insomnia!) ..but the thing is I literally can’t breathe MADAM and I also have asthma… Also, I have ended up in the hospital due to my ‘migraines’… Hope you get my point.
Anyways, I am sure there are many more dos and don’t do in interacting with people with mental illnesses. I am curious as to what people have said to you because of your mental illness – Please comment below.
Sorry, it is a somewhat angry post…I not only want to be angry, but I also to change the situation by writing this in the hopes that you can better support those with mental illness.
This is one of the most used statements I have heard recently, what does it actually even mean to be yourself? What if you don’t even know who you truly are? That’s a scary thought and I think it is one that many ask themselves privately.
I grew up being a little odd and my mother often called me stubborn. Other girls made fun of my hair and people at church talked about me and my obsession with black clothes and fingernails. But, back when I was younger, I didn’t really care what others thought, I just wanted to be left alone and do things that I wanted to.
It is funny how, as I grew up, I became less of myself and more like those around me. I really look up to my sister and sometimes my mum…I always thought, why can’t I be more like them? They have lot’s of friends, they are always going out to parties and social gatherings, they know how to do makeup and style their hair etc…I don’t know how to do anything and I hate going out with people… So eventually, I tried to change my style, I tried being outgoing, I tried paying more attention to the way I looked and talked…
I kind of lost my self along the way, but then again did I even know who I was? When I liked black…okay obsessed with the colour black, was I trying to copy my favourite gothic Jrock band members and back then emo was cool..But who was I really? I didn’t have any knowledge of who I am. The reality is, that the concept of ‘ourselves’ is always changing and it should change as we grow wiser with age).
I am sure your parents have taught you not to do this and not to do that so that you fit in. At the same time, some parents (not mine), would also want their child to stand out from the crowd! In terms of grades, music and other achievements, they want their child to be the best and also fit in with their peers. It sounds like a recipe for conflicting values…Growing up sounds hard, can I stay a kid forever?
The purpose of this post is to help you realise (and myself) who you really are by identifying some morals and values that you stand by…
1. Take some to learn more about yourself
It sounds weird, but sometimes you might not know yourself as well as you think you do! Sometimes those closest around us are able to see us for who we are, better than we can. We may have distorted representations of ourselves, like an inflated ego or have low-esteem and see ourselves as we really aren’t. It definitely helps to have people around you to remind you of who you are and what you stand for. Maybe start with listing out the morals and values that you stand for and believe in, you can find these out by examining what you do in a week or day and get to know yourself.
2. Don’t compare yourself to other people
I believe the only time you should compare yourself to someone else, is when you are inspired to be more like them. You also shouldn’t compare yourself to others to feel good about yourself, what good does it make? Do you remember that quote by someone that said, “The only time you should look down on others is when you are helping them up?”…be that person who uplifts and encourages instead of pushing them down. Life is already hard enough, why make other people’s lives harder?
3. Don’t try to be friends with everyone
I know this sounds like it goes against the bible and such, but just because you aren’t friends, it doesn’t mean you hate them. You just don’t need to be friends with everyone! They can be acquaintances or people you know, no one said you had to be best friends. There are bound to be people in this world that just hate you or you just have this vibe that they are not good people…and it’s okay NOT to try to be friends them. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been trying not to be fake just to get along with people. I don’t think the effort is worth trying to be friends with everyone, coz no matter what I do, as Taylor Swift said…haters gonna hate. Let’s get Swifty!!!!!
4. Learn to say No Does this instruction sound familiar? I wrote a whole blog about this here and I will just reinforce a few points. If you feel like you are being forced to do something you don’t agree with, because everyone is- then you are not being true to your own morals and beliefs. You aren’t being true to yourself! Ask yourself, do these people really respect your autonomy to make a decision? You should remember you have a free-will and are able to say NO to things you don’t want to do, within reason of course…unfortunately we still have to pay tax and our bills *Tear*.
5. Don’t let being worried about what people will think to stop you from doing the things you are passionate about!
That was a long sentence…! Well, what I mean is, if you really want to learn hip-hop dancing classes, but everyone else if not interested and thinks it’s stupid and would rather do something else instead. DO you A. back out because you don’t want to be alone and do the other thing that they wanted instead. or B. Don’t give a sheet and just go to those hip-hop classes anyways!#SoloYOLO. I like that quote 😀 I used to feel like I needed people to do new things and go to places with me, now I just prefer it. I am still quite awkward when going to new places myself, no doubt…but I have been doing that and I have found it quite rewarding because I force myself to make new friends that I may not have it I had stuck to my own friends. So, don’t let fear stop you from doing those things you really want to! Take a step of faith and be all you can be! (Much easier said than done I know)…
That’s all from me, I hope you guys can work on knowing yourself more and being truer to yourself. No one likes fake people and no one should have to put on an act all the time, it is tiring and eventually, hat mask may slip. So why not be yourself today?
Hope you have been keeping warm in this insanely cold winter ( in Adelaide :(). I am currently wearing 4 layers of clothing and a scarf to keep myself warm…!
Anyways, a topic came up among some of my friends in regards to “Controlling behaviours” in their relationships with their parents in particular, but I know it can also happen in relationships between significant others or even friends. It can lead to you feel entrapped in a snare of someone else and it doesn’t feel good at all 😦
It could also be a controlling boss, parent or kid that is messing your life up…and it IS hard to deal with because they mean something to you and you have to somehow deal with their behaviour. So basically, from what I have read on the internets, we cannot control the way they behave, BUT they believe they are able to control the way we behave. No one has full control over someone else, so it is like this, even if you point a gun to someone’s head and tell them to “SAY THEY LOVE YOU”, they don’t have to, they have a choice to die instead, but most of the time I guess they would just listen..maybe..
So, often for the person being controlled, I don’t want to call them a victim, but I guess they might feel that way? Which is not good! You are allowing other people to walk all over you. I’ve been bullied in high school and in the workplace and I know how bad it can be and how hard it is to stand up to bullies…I wish I was an expert at dealing with bullies and controlling people, but I am not… I have also been guilty of being somewhat a bully/controlling person to my younger brother, in primary school, and in some relationships. I guess what goes around comes around?
But anyways, no point living in the past, that is in the past and now is a new future which we shall build for ourselves, to not be controlling and not be controlled!
So, I have mentioned before that we need to realise:
1. We belong to no one in particular and it is important to develop our own self-worth.
While being in relationships are great and all, you also need to know who you are and what you like. Don’t feel peer-pressured to doing what everyone else is doing just because you want to fit in all the time. Know that it is okay to do things that you like alone-hey it is even better to make new friends this way.-Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone.
2. Know that dependent on one person is not good-Strive for Independence
If someone forces you to rely on them for everything, that is not a good position to be FOR YOU. What happens if that person dies the next day? You won’t know how to do anything, because they NEVER taught you, because they wanted you to depend on them. IT’S BAD! Even if that person never teaches you, LEARN TO TEACH YOURSELF! YouTube, ask others for help and advice and if its a workplace, probably best to move workplace. They might think they are doing you a favor by doing everything and not teaching you anything, but they are not, they are sabotaging your future as someone that is independent and CAPABLE. They are looking down on you and not helping you up. Sometimes parents may do this unknowingly, but your child is not going to grow up properly, they might be a child for the rest of their lives 😦
3. Make some plans to improve your position in this controlling relationship
This may mean that you may need a break from that relationship for awhile until you get stronger or think if this relationship is worth it. This can be particularly hard for significant others or Parent-Child relationships…This is why it is important to start planning early, if you lack the funds to move out from your parent’s home, look for a job and start saving up and plan to move out! Ask friends about places to rent and start looking at properties etc. Sometimes distance from that controlling person, helps you realise how suffocated you actually are and how sweet freedom tastes.
4. Be the bigger person-Age is just a number and experience is subjective
I have been in the situation where I was belittled for being young and inexperienced. I think this is particularly a big thing for people from Asia, they believe that wisdom always comes with age. Some are stubborn and refuse to accept that maybe young people may be right and they aren’t always right…Sigh…It’s hard to communicate with Asian people with their traditional ways of doing things…sure as a kid I didn’t know any better and also believed that Tiger balm heals everything! But, now having completed my 5 year program to become a Registered Pharmacist, I know many things that can help a migraine instead of rubbing Tiger Balm on my head…though maybe the placebo effect is still important… ANYWAY, back on topic. It is good to still be respectful in the way you act towards controlling people, be the bigger person. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but you don’t need to escalate and fight back with spiteful words, you don’t want to sink to their level. Good guys always win in the end right?
5. Do your best to negotiate and bring in a mediator/therapist if needed!
If all else fails, you might need to get someone to help you communicate! An emotionally intelligent individual/close friend may be able to help. If not, a good therapist may help to restore or help resolve certain issues between two people. Looking back at my experiences of being bullied, I can see people who were insecure about themselves and wanted to bully those they felt they were better to feel better about themselves. They projected their own insecurities onto someone else and hence felt some sort of enjoyment in that. A psychologist could help them come to terms with their own problems and that hence stops the bullying or controlling nature- in an ideal world.
Like I said, I don’t think I am an expert in this area, but this article was quite helpful in helping me get ideas for this post: Wiki-How to cope with a controlling parent. A really good anime movie I would recommend would be “A silent voice”-which touches on the bullying behaviours of high school kids, a really good watch!
Anyways, if you guys have any experiences you would like to share, please comment below!
I don’t know about you, but I personally think I am a very indecisive person. I take a longggggg time to make a decision and even after I think I have made it, doubts come to my mind and I start to question myself.
I think this all comes down to me thinking life is black and white and that opportunities only once and that this might be it. This kind of thinking doesn’t help in my opinion, you never know when a door that you weren’t expecting to be opened is opened…
Anyway, enough rambling about my indecisiveness and let’s go through what sort of steps and questions you should be asking yourself when faced with a major (or minor decision). Would you like chocolate on top of your ice cream?
If someone asks you to make a big decision, ask if you can have some time to think about it before giving them an answer. This could be things like “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”, “We would like to offer you this opportunity to work for us”, or even “Buy this limited edition BTS sweater and only pay for the shipping!”. Asking or taking time to think over a decision allows you to weigh up the pros and cons about that thing.
So as mentioned, make a list of pros and cons of each thing you are deciding and really wrack your brains ( and someone else’s-if you have friends) about all the different pros and cons. Usually, you will have one list that has more pros and cons and that might be the best option for you.
If you have someone that you are close to, share with them and discuss your options with you. Having some fresh insight from someone you respect can give you the perspective that you might not have thought of or having them be behind you can make you more confident in your decisions.
Think about you end goals or the vision or place you want to get to at the end. What is going to help you get there and what might make it harder to get there? Sometimes, this might mean giving up something you really want, just because right now might not be the right timing. It’s like that experiment where children were given one marshmellow in front of them, they were told, “You can choose to have one marshmellow now, OR you can wait 10 minutes (or however long) and you can 10 marshmellows but you can’t eat the one in front of you now. If you put it like that, it will help you make that tough decision of doing something that benefits you in the long wrong but it is painful at the moment. YOU JUST WANT TO EAT THAT MARSHMELLOW THAT IS in front you-but no, you be patient and just wait for something that is coming.
Live a life of no regrets! It is better to have tried, rather than not have tried. try not to stereotype every situation into something you have experienced before. For example, if you worked in a really bad environment in the past- you might take that experience into every other job that feels similar. Let go, learn and remember to keep trying new things and never stop.
Anyways, time to write out my pros and cons for the big decision I need to make this week.
If you are in Australia, keep warm and dry!
The question of the day: Is there a big decision that you need to make soon?
Howdy! Hope you guys have been well? If not, I hope this post will cheer you up!
I have been getting lots of inspiration for future posts lately! From friends, family and from watching or reading other people’s works…some of the upcoming posts will be about…how to be happy, how to not procrastinate and also one about things we wish we were taught in high school.
But, before I do these other subjects, one subject that hits close to home and that’s about learning to Love Yourself.
Before we can learn to try love others, I think an important thing to do is to learn to love yourself, in my opinion, I don’t think you can’t truly love someone else, without first loving yourself first. I think so many girls and boys crave a relationship because they feel unloved, unfulfilled and they believe that by finding someone to love and to be loved, that they will become more loveable?
But this is not true…finding that significant other does not mean that all your troubles, insecurities and bad habits disappear…far from it if you ask me…more insecurities, troubles, and problems come than go…
Anyways! Here are my top tips for learning and taking the step to loving yourself today! ❤
#1. Reflect on your past and give yourself a clap on the back in how far you have come.
You might not be there yet, but you have come so far and I am so proud of you *clap clap*. You may think you have not achieved anything, but did you graduate primary school? High school? Uni? Get your license? Get your own car or house? A part-time job? You’ve done more than you thought!
#2. Look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate how you look right now!
You won’t ever look this young or old again! You are you and people will see the real beauty if they get to know you more.
#3. Be grateful for the things you have.
It is easy to get jealous or unhappy that you do not have the latest Michael Khor handbag or can’t afford that awesome cute mini cooper that girl at work has…but hey you have your little trusty grey 2012 Toyota Yaris and it still works! Hurrah!
#4. Take care of the wonderful beautiful body you have been gifted with!
Take care of what you put in your mouth ( make sure its nutritious!), exercise, do meditation or yoga to look after your mental and stress levels…and remember to laugh each day! 🙂
#5. Notice and realise when you are having negative thoughts about yourself or if you start to compare yourself to other people.
You can write in a blog or diary to help clear your mind of negative thoughts. Negative thoughts don’t need to be killed, you can acknowledge them and then choose not to act upon them, they are just THOUGHTS…they will not control what you do, UNLESS you act upon them.
#6. Remember, you are YOU and you are a work of art, you are a masterpiece.
People like you for who YOU are…not who they “THINK” you are. Find people who think like you and have similar interests, who don’t put you down for being YOU. They don’t deserve you! Coz you are awesome!
#7. Don’t take yourself so seriously!
So, you failed…so you screwed up? It is not the end of the world! Lot’s of successful people screwed up when they first started doing something, the reason why they are successful is not that they gave up or had it easy, it is because they did not give up when the going got tough…the tough get going!
#8. It is never too late to start again or to start something new.
The only regret you can have is not trying at all. It is easy to make all sorts of excuses that it is too late, I am too old, I can’t do it…These are negative self-talk to stop us from leaving our comfort zones! This stops us from making progress to things and goals that matter to us, it is never too late…okay! Unless you are dead. Then its too late.
#9. Try smile once a day!
You look beautiful with that smile! And you will also make friends too 😉 [Read my How To make friends post ]
#10. Remember, you are awesome!
If you can’t think of one reason why you are awesome, I will tell you now…You are reading this post from some random person you may have never met and you are going to share this with one friend who you think needs to love themselves!
Thanks for reading and please remember that in order to love others more effectively, yo have to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
See you next post!
LOVE YOU! ❤
Video to be up soon!! (When I am feeling better zzZ)
An important part of being an adult is the ability to manage your own affairs and your schedule. Not being able to say NO to people or things may actually lead to a lot of mental health issues, such as stress, anxiety, and depression. By not putting yourself, your family or the values you stand by first can open that door to mental illnesses. You are essentially allowing other people or things to control your schedule, finances and your maybe even your sanity.
You may feel guilty or selfish if you say NO to someone who asks you to do something. But in fact, they can easily ask someone else, do it themselves or find a way around it. BUT if they know that you always say YES to everything and seem like the person that won’t refuse, they won’t make the effort themselves to ask other people…. And hence, that’s why you shouldn’t always say YES to everything, because some people in this world are actually ‘selfish’, lazy and may just be using you or taking you for granted.
The truth is, if you say NO to them, it is not the end of the world…if they make you feel guilty or coerce you into doing something you don’t want to…are they even worthy to be your friend? Are they a loving family member? Or are they a good employer?
To be able to ask these questions though, you need quite a good sense of security in who you are. Often, it is due to our insecurities that we don’t say NO to people. We fear that we will get left out, people will hate us… What if when we need help, other people won’t help us? ( Of course, if we can help, we are free and we feel we aren’t being used, there’s nothing wrong with that…)
But if someone is constantly asking you to do their dirty work for them, because they know you will, it’s time to read this post and start doing something positive for yourself from today!
Know yourself and feel secure
This is much harder than it sounds…being secure means essentially that you accept the way you are and who you are. By being yourself, and not pretending to be someone else you are able to essentially relax and not be on your guard all the time, in case someone finds out who you truly are. Take some time to know what you like, what you dislike and how people make you feel when you are around them. Do you feel like you always have to pretend to like what others do, when you rather do something else? But because you have that “
As Dr. Seuss said, “Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter”
Well said, sir!
You always have a choice
When things go wrong, is it easy to blame others for “telling or making you do it” -but by looking back at the situation objectively, most of us had a choice and some choose to let themselves be controlled. Maybe it was by their own desire for money, fame or fortune…but honestly, if it is important to you do it– but if you are only doing it because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t and about someone being upset if you don’t- then think again why you are doing what you are doing. Remember, you always have a choice and others may not have as much control over as your mind tells you it does.
It is perfectly fine to not be fine I think this is an important point, you don’t have to pretend to be okay all the time. If your friend is feeling sick and suddenly cancels on you, do you: A-Immediately think they are lying and get angry at them for bailing on you at the last minute B-Reassure them that their health is more important than going out when they are sick and ask if there is anything you can help them to get better? If you chose A…would you want someone to think that about you? If you chose B…I think you are a good friend and sometimes… you need to be able to be a good friend to yourself. However, most of us are harder on ourselves than with other people…Many treat themselves quite brutally, myself included. If you take yourself outside of your current situation and look at it objectively and pretend to see yourself in third person for, you may find it is easier to think clearer, “Are my actions really that bad?” Everyone gets sick, everyone gets depressed or anxious at some stage in their life…and it is up to us to be more understanding and more empathetic towards them…Because we probably want them to do the same when we are in the same situation.
A lot of people, myself included, have never realised we have such a bad habit of saying YES to everything and not being able to say NO…this leads us to have overcrowded and often stressful schedules, lending money and possessions, time and doing a whole lot of stuff we didn’t really want to do. We forget that we have been “asked” and not “requested” to do a lot of these things. A real friend isn’t going to unfriend you because you said no to a coffee date because you had an assignment due the next day or because you didn’t have any sleep yesterday. I think a lot of times people think they are more important than they actually are…but to be honest, people are always somewhat replaceable.
I hope this post will inspire you to think twice the next time you are asked to do something you don’t really want to.
Two posts in one week!! *Procrastination to the max*