Forgiveness…it’s hard to describe exactly what it is.
It’s something that I heard a lot when I used to attend church.
“God forgave your sins so you should forgive other people”. I took this literally, people treated me like shit, I took it. I decided to try “see the best in them” and let them do it again and again. I don’t think I really understood that there is a difference between forgiving someone and letting someone step all over you.
I have learnt that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the wrongdoing, or reconciling a relationship, we are able to forgive and never say a word to them ever again. In the same way, we could say the words “I forgive you” or “I accept your apology”, and actually forgive them.
Forgiveness instead is an emotional change that happens inside someone who has been wronged. Forgiveness is not for the wrongdoer, it is actually for the person that has been wronged. I think this is what many of us get confused about. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person it is a gift FOR YOURSELF, it allows us to overcome the pain that is inflicted by someone else. This is a process of letting go of our anger, resentment, shame and other emotions towards the other person or even towards ourselves.
It also treats the offender with compassion, even though they are not entitled to it.
I don’t understand forgiveness, but I hope I can slowly understand it someday.
Have you ever took a step back and realised someone that you thought you loved..liked…and realised. They don’t give a shit about you?
You spend so much time, money, and effort on them. Yet, all they care about is themselves. Their problems. Their issues. It’s always about them. You thought you would be able to have a relationship with them. But all you were to them was a piece of trash. Did they care to ask about your day? No. Did they ask you how your interview went? No. Did they even bother wishing you a happy birthday on your birthday? No. Despite you telling them about these things. You realise. They don’t give a single shit about you!
You were just conveniently there when they needed someone to be with them, to listen to their shit, and to let them feel comforted. You were being used. And for so long you let them do that to you. You tried to forget them…so many times. You ignored them. Kept your distance. Then they come running back when you least expected and it starts all over again.
But that is the last time. You will not, cannot let yourself be looked down upon. You are worth so much more than that. There will be someone who loves you for who you are. As a friend said to me, it takes two people to have a relationship. Not just one person struggling to keep it together, while the other person makes no effort…just keeps receiving without giving anything. I am not sure what I even like about that person? Maybe I was lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Maybe I wanted a friend. Maybe I wanted something more. But, when I found out who this person really is and how bad they treat me…I realise I deserve more. I had to tell someone about him. I was embarrassed though, because who goes chasing after someone who gives zero fucks about you? Again and again. Why did I think I could change him?
He’s a dick and he will stay a dick. I turned 29 years old yesterday. It’s time to grow up and realise my worth. In terms of what I can do in my career…in my sports..in my relationships…I have decided I won’t settle for what is convenient and easy… Have to realise you can do more than you think, because if you stick in a bad job or relationship for the sake of convenience…think of what you are missing out on…The higher pay..the better environment and someone who loves you better.
To be honest, I had a good look at my situation when I overhead a colleague talking about their friend who is seeing a dick guy. Apparently, the guy doesn’t want anyone to know about them and they meet in secret…Apparently, he doesn’t want to commit because he has another girl on the side…yet this friend continues staying with him. She gets heartbroken every month and comes crying to her friends. It’s hard. When you think you are in love. You try to see past all the flaws and the red flags telling you to run. Maybe it is our kind hearts that try to see the good in everyone.
Girls and boys, you deserve so much more. Someone you can love, and who will love you back.
Don’t look down on yourself.
Yesterday, a thought suddenly occurred to me… which had never occurred to me before… How can we trust those people around us?
I am not only referring to family members, friends, or lovers…but like the people who we may or may not know that are serving us in someway…behind a counter…or driving the bus that you may be catching to work…
Society is built on a trust that people will do their jobs in a safe and correct manner… In some ways, people will either use or not use a service based on their reputation and by word of mouth… However, in the case of public transport…we really do not have an alternative option…because it is something the government organises and there are not alternatives at this moment…
The reason I was thinking about this, was that I know one of my methadone clients at my workplace works for Uber Eats… I am not trying to say that all methadone clients are aggressive and rude…but this one is… I would personally, be scared and not really want them to be my uber eat deliverer… As I confront the feelings of why I feel this way…I just don’t trust them…?! What if they leave their delivery bag near drugs or they smoke weed… what if some drugs fall into the food? What if the bag is just dirty?? (Could apply to anyone delivering..do they clean those bags they use?)…Maybe it’s just me who overthinks these things…or SHOULD we be thinking of these things? Because I know restaurants in Australia have strict rules and regulations about cleanliness and hygiene control…but what about the people delivering the food?!!? What if they tamper with it while distributing it?
So much to think about .. :(…
Needless to say, I won’t be ordering food delivery for awhile…
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Sooo I tried for the first time the Lime-S Scooters that are on almost every corner of the city centre…for those who might not know how they look like..it looks like this:
These some what stylish scooters have been seen everywhere….in the streets, on the road, on the floor… Finally I got sick of seeing everyone riding them…my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the Lime App and signed myself up!! I was going to see what the big fuss was all about…I mean I used to have a (cheap and low quality) scooters as a kid…what was so special about this bigger, better, and green scooter?
Anyways, after about 10 minutes of trying to get it to work…it finally worked…and off I went..sorta…I struggled for a long time trying to tighten the helmet…in the end I gave up …left it loose and just hoped it won’t fall off while riding the scooter..
These scooters differ from the cheap scooter I had as a kid…because its an ELECTRIC scooter!! But to be very honest…It was scary pressing the accelerator for the scooter…so I just pushed with my foot because…
- There was too many people on the pavement (it IS in the city)
- The pathways are not flat…but bumpy… 😦 and I almost fell off.
- It’s not smooth…it would jerk forward suddenly
Anyways…. It’s fun. and probably worth the $5 I spent on it for 10 minute joyride…
But it got me thinking….people enjoy using these scooters for fun, as well as transport…but what about our normal modes of transportation?
^My Toyota Yaris:
But then why do I find it a chore to drive a car to work and to places? I don’t seem to have the same joy I did when writing that Lime scooter. There was no thrill or excitement as I drove past the streets of Adelaide. I am not paying for this experience of driving…but isn’t it funny how we pay money to pretend to drive in driving games…or play games where we are impersonating real life..like running a farm or a restaurant LOL..funny.
Then I thought to myself, why don’t I pretend I am doing this for fun! Let’s pretend this is a game…a game where you get to drive and navigate through the streets of Adelaide…Then I drove down some underpass bridge thing and thought..this is actually a really cool game.
So what do you think about treating like a game? Makes it a bit more enjoyable maybe? =S
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So somehow at work today we came upon the discussion of how much one earns and their level if happiness.
One of the doctors was telling a patient about how he left his full time job at a public hospital and chose to instead work in Clinical Trials 3.5 days a week part-time.
The patient immediately asked him, do you work somewhere else on the rest of the days?
The doctor said, “No, 3.5 days is enough for me (they must earn a lot more than me..:()… he said,”I could work more, but earning more money wont make me more happy”. This doctor is one smart man, and I think he made a wise decision for himself. But, not everyone is lucky enough to be able to only work 3.5 days a week and have enough to live on…
Time to become a doctor..!!!