Becoming a vampire

Depression sucks the life out of a person and then in turn that person sucks the life out of the people they come in contact with. Much like a vampire would I guess. Infecting, biting those around them. A recluse. A lonesome figure.

Like a vampire, you want to stay indoor all day, all day, sleep all day. Because you slept all day, you can’t sleep at night anymore. Take all the sleeping tablets you want, nothing is going to stop all the racing thoughts, the voices, the flashbacks.

Human food just doesn’t taste as good. Why eat when you feel sick all the time? Might as well get full of your emotions, of the screen, of the darkness.

You turn a shade of pale white as you haven’t left the house in, god knows how long? The sun burns your eyes. How did the world manage to still continue to go on, while you feel paralysed and frozen in time. Unable to move forward, unable to move in any direction. HOW?

The only difference I guess is that you don’t crave eternal life, perhaps the opposite. How do you describe this suffering that you don’t even understand? How can you open yourself up when you don’t even know where the key is?

How long must you suffer? Is there anyone who can understand you? Is it a matter of trying or is it that you were made to not be understood?

That is the lonesome story of the sad vampire.

What is the difference between the patient and their health care worker?

I think there’s a myth that health care professionals have it all together. But actually, we are just humans. We have our own struggles, we have our own doubts, we are not superior…. we are just the same. Just as you are our patient we are someone else’s patient.

Sometimes I wonder about the thin line that makes one a patient. One day I could be the health professional, the next day I am the one being treated. Is there a clear like when you start needing treatment and giving less care?

Do you give all of yourself away? Consumed by our jobs to care, that we literally have zero cares for ourself?

Deleting someone

Imagine, if we treated someone in real life the way we treated them online. If you didn’t like someone, you just ignore when they speak yo you. If you didn’t like someone and you blocked them from all you social media accounts, basically you just built some sort of fortress or wall around your house hold to prevent them coming close to you. If only the real world was so easy to avoid the people you want to avoid. It’s so much harder, but at the same time.. it hurts so much when someone you were close to, blocks you from everything. If that pain could be measured, it would be off the rockets.

We once were friends, what happened along the way that it had to come to this?

Ripping off the bandaids

We all dread ripping off a tight bandaid.. it was something used to stop all the bleeding, to help heal and temporarily helps with the pain and having to see a wound. When the bandaid is left on too long, it almost becomes one with our skin. However, when its time to rip it off, it’s anxiety inducing…fear of pain, fear the wound hasn’t healed, fear of what lies beneath… maybe an infection?

Once its ripped off, the pain is sharp, it’s short, but it’s there. Feel the pain, embrace it, and then hope you won’t need it again.

We clutch on to what helps us keep going… doing what we can to survive, to thrive, and to feel alive.

What happens after we die?

When we die, I would like to think that we go to better place, but what if you are are at an even worse scenario than before?

Everything is uncertain, is your life after this going to be a better one? Is there such thing as a guardian angel that prevents us from dying…from suffering. From making the same mistakes that we were going to do in the past? In context, is this life any harder than one that you may or may not encounter in the past?

As I googled all this and read about this. I ponder in this dark place I am in right now, is there really any light at the end of the tunnel? Is there any options for me? There seems to be no easy fix. There must be more to life.

“I want to Eat Your Pancreas” -Movie review

Yeah, me too. I thought this Japanese anime movie must have been about some zombie or some man eating cannibal story line, but funny enough it’s a sad love story. Well, parts of it was sad and parts of it was moving. In general, a good movie. It didn’t move me as much as other sad movies have done so in the past, but one message that the main character, Sakura, taught me is that the reason why we are alive and the reason why we can interact with others is the impact we make in their lives.

It’s so bizzare that during this covid pandemic, with all the social activities being cancelled and the constant lockdowns, this is where I became the shell of the person I was 4 years ago. It took so long for me to get out of my shell and get back to the life that I was used to.
Now I feel like I am starting all over again. But it’s so much harder being here alone

My sister just had her second baby and the only way I was able to meet the baby was through online video call. in a way, it’s great that technology has allowed us to come this far. I feel so close to my family, yet I am so so far way. 693 km away as per Uber eats when I tried to order something for my family. So close yet so far away.

The other way I have been spending my free time is emerging myself into Webtoons, and one particular one I started reading again was “Season of Blossom”…one of the characters featured in the webtoon dies from suicide and it is now unraveling the story of how he came to do what he did. Despite the fact there was someone he loved and someone he loved, he still made the choice in the end. Sometimes, you can’t save everyone. He was so popular, everyone liked him, yet no one truly knew who he was deep inside.

I feel like I really have procrastinated this weekend, I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself, but honestly I am just constantly running away from my problems and trying to hide from it all.

A New Chapter- Mental Health

This was my first week in a Mental Health ward, this time as a clinical pharmacist. Honestly, don’t think I made as many interventions as I would have liked…I feel.. lost… in my old rotation , I got into a groove of checking for VTE prophylaxis, checking the antibiotics were appropriate, checking pain relief was appropriate, and that regular medication was started/stopped as appropriate…. then I go go mental health.. where bloods could be done monthly.. my longest stay patient has been there SIX years..😱😱😱 and I am unsure what my role is …. it’s very “What the consultant wants”… and reminds me of the old days where I would have a chat with the consultant regarding some questionable things 😅. Consultant isn’t always right…

I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns and that sort of builds up my anxiety of what I don’t know. The anxiety of being in another hospital and not knowing how they do things and their practices.. messes with my head 😭😭… it’s only week one, but everyday just feels that I am unproductive and everything takes a long time to get used to …😓😓😓 Planning go do some learning this weekend!

In addition to that, its so strange to be fully into mental health. In mg surgical rotation I got a small taste of mental health, but now it’s like really full on in your face mental health…😭😭 Another big learning curve is coming for me..

People are so unreliable

I’ve pretty much all but given up relying on people. It seems like everyone is fickle, unreliable, and do not take responsibility for their actions. It’s been waves of disappointments on disappointments. I am just highly disappointed in so many people. It’s so frustrating for me, that my life is made harder by unreliable and inconsistent people. I really hate people honestly. At the end of the day I am still a person, so do I hate myself too? I should just become like them. Unreliable. Useless. And a liar. It is what it is I guess.

Reflecting on Growing up

Having moved out of my home town and into a new city for over a year now. I can’t even imagine my life back in Adelaide. So much has happened. So much has changed. So many ups and so many downs. What does the future bring? It’s all up in the air. What do you want to do? What so you want to go?

Do we even have a choice? Just gotta keep going and go with the flow. What are plans anyway? Covid is always here to disrupt them 😒

Green is my favourite colour

If you asked my friends and family what my favourite colour was… I suspect they would say.. Pink. Why? Because I own so many pink things. But, the thing many of these things were gifts from people thinking I liked pink and further spreading the rumours. So much so, I subconsciously started buying pink things.

But today, on my daily walk during lockdown. I looked at my green phone case and my green jacket, and the beautiful greenery around me… and I thought to myself. Green is beautiful, green is the colour for me. Green symbolises life. It also is the colour of matcha 😌..

Do you have a reason why you have a favourite colour?

First year Anniversary in Melbourne

I can’t believe one year in Melbourne has already passed soo quickly in a blink of an eye 😅😅… I spent half of the time in a lockdown, but honestly it hasn’t been too bad. So grateful for the good times I have had during my stay here, the people I have met, and the food I have eaten.

Cheers 🥂 to another year to go. 😌😌😌Where will I be in one years time?

Depression

Where the world is all colours of grey, black, lacking colour.

Everything is bleak, mundane, routine, and boring.

Everyone else seems to be happy, colourful, blissful, it hurts my eyes to see.

Socialising is too hard, requires too much effort , too much energy.

You feel like you are being swallowed up in darkness and you can see no way out. How did you even get yourself here?

You feel trapped and see no way out, you can’t find a way out :(.

You forgot how to smile, how to life, how to enjoy the small things.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

This week has been an incredibly hard one. Time after time new challenges are popping up and my reserve for dealing with them have become so low. My ability to problem solve and to manage my time has absolutely disappeared without a trace. Has it always been so hard? Are things always so tough to manage. Why do things never seem to go my way? I am so close to giving up, so close to throwing in the towel, so close to closing this chapter of my life. Can anyone give me a reason not to quit? Why am I even doing this to myself? There are so many questions I have, but no one can seem to provide me with any answers. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, if it is, then some thing has got to be wrong…

From a tired soul.

Taking time to appreciate the Sky

I left work only half an hour late today, for the first time since forever. I saw the sky still lit up so pretty. I was in awe. Was it always so pretty? I’ve been staying at work late into the night, so the sky always has been black and dark.

It’s funny how you dont notice the beauty that’s around you when all you can see, feel, and hear is the problems going in the world, in your own life, in health and work.

There’s gotta be more in life than work… but at the moment I feel I am becoming consumed and engrossed in just work. It was so unbearable today I developed a headache 😭😭😭

Assertiveness, efficiency, attention to detail, timelessness, safety, how can you do all of above and please everyone?😭