Money usually isn’t the source of happiness, but it could prevent you from dying.
If one was to rely on the public health system to help them feel better, sometimes I think they would find themselves better off dead. In terms of follow up, support, and care… you need money to pay for all the private specialists to care for you. If you don’t want to wait a million years. If you feel unwell now. The stark difference on whether you have money or not, it is so apparent.
I think there’s a myth that health care professionals have it all together. But actually, we are just humans. We have our own struggles, we have our own doubts, we are not superior…. we are just the same. Just as you are our patient we are someone else’s patient.
Sometimes I wonder about the thin line that makes one a patient. One day I could be the health professional, the next day I am the one being treated. Is there a clear like when you start needing treatment and giving less care?
Do you give all of yourself away? Consumed by our jobs to care, that we literally have zero cares for ourself?
Imagine, if we treated someone in real life the way we treated them online. If you didn’t like someone, you just ignore when they speak yo you. If you didn’t like someone and you blocked them from all you social media accounts, basically you just built some sort of fortress or wall around your house hold to prevent them coming close to you. If only the real world was so easy to avoid the people you want to avoid. It’s so much harder, but at the same time.. it hurts so much when someone you were close to, blocks you from everything. If that pain could be measured, it would be off the rockets.
We once were friends, what happened along the way that it had to come to this?
We all dread ripping off a tight bandaid.. it was something used to stop all the bleeding, to help heal and temporarily helps with the pain and having to see a wound. When the bandaid is left on too long, it almost becomes one with our skin. However, when its time to rip it off, it’s anxiety inducing…fear of pain, fear the wound hasn’t healed, fear of what lies beneath… maybe an infection?
Once its ripped off, the pain is sharp, it’s short, but it’s there. Feel the pain, embrace it, and then hope you won’t need it again.
I’ve started thinking and have been reminded of the classic song by Pink, “Just like the Pill”, in particular the lyrics ,”instead of making me feel better, you are making me ill”. Something like that…I recently just started a new medication that’s supposed to help me feel better, but I’ve been feeling so sick the last few days. From the first day I took the medication, I started getting nauseous every time I ate. Honestly couldn’t stomach any food without wanting to puke… normally if I didn’t eat it would be fine. Snacks and fruit were still fine. It’s been day four… and today my body finally said. I don’t want any food… I am feeling under the weather, and I just feel like shit. Is this something that’s worth all of these side effects in order to try feel better? What are we willing to risk to feel better mentally but at the price of being physically unwell?
I went from one spectrum of the hospital where everything was timely, urgent, and dangerous. I had patients dying and there was the constant anxiety that a patient could turn dangerous at any moment. Another MetCall, another Code blue, the ICU team come running. Is if my patient? Will they be okay? Patient’s are fighting for their lives, fighting for survival. We undertake surgery and give them dangerous medicines in order to make sure they are fine.
In the other end of the hospital, in stark contrast to what’s happening. The patients want to die, they do not to live, they refuse to take medicines to help them, they refuse to listen to anyone. They are a threat to themselves and to the staff. They would rather die than stay in the hospital for another day. Code grey-the security come running… a patient is aggressive and needs to be restrained…again.
In one hospital. There is the fight for life and also the fight for death.
What has happened to me? I feel like I am falling back into old habits… into past fears, into avoidance, into the black deep hole. I thought I was strong enough to overcome all this, I thought I would never go down that path again.
Where did it go wrong? How can I fix this? What did I do before? I can’t remember anymore. Is this because of the situation that’s been thrown at me or is it because I was already suffering inside but because I had put it off for so long that I failed to see it? How did I become like this?
My hopes and dreams feel meaningless. Everything is meaningless. What’s the point in trying if you are going to fail anyways. Why am I so negative :(.
Is it because I moved here? Should I move back? I am so confused, worried, and exhausted. Is it because I spent so much time alone? This endless lockdown and constant worries of getting the virus. Constant fears of having to quarantine… I am so very tired and unmotivated 😞
This was my first week in a Mental Health ward, this time as a clinical pharmacist. Honestly, don’t think I made as many interventions as I would have liked…I feel.. lost… in my old rotation , I got into a groove of checking for VTE prophylaxis, checking the antibiotics were appropriate, checking pain relief was appropriate, and that regular medication was started/stopped as appropriate…. then I go go mental health.. where bloods could be done monthly.. my longest stay patient has been there SIX years..😱😱😱 and I am unsure what my role is …. it’s very “What the consultant wants”… and reminds me of the old days where I would have a chat with the consultant regarding some questionable things 😅. Consultant isn’t always right…
I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns and that sort of builds up my anxiety of what I don’t know. The anxiety of being in another hospital and not knowing how they do things and their practices.. messes with my head 😭😭… it’s only week one, but everyday just feels that I am unproductive and everything takes a long time to get used to …😓😓😓 Planning go do some learning this weekend!
In addition to that, its so strange to be fully into mental health. In mg surgical rotation I got a small taste of mental health, but now it’s like really full on in your face mental health…😭😭 Another big learning curve is coming for me..
I’ve been doing one shift a week on the weekends at the mass vaccination clinics that my work runs. It’s all about setting individual goals for myself and trying to draw up as many vials as I can within the 2 hours or so that I have until it’s time for a scheduled break. It’s been great being able to see so many people getting vaccinated! It makes me happy because our government has decided not to focus on number of cases but on the number of people who have had their first dose of cover vaccine. They want to aim for 70% of people having their first dose administered in the least. I am glad I am able to do my part in helping people get vaccinated and to help fight against Covid. Fingers crossed I will be able to cross the borders and help home to see my family again.
P.S Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers!
I’ve pretty much all but given up relying on people. It seems like everyone is fickle, unreliable, and do not take responsibility for their actions. It’s been waves of disappointments on disappointments. I am just highly disappointed in so many people. It’s so frustrating for me, that my life is made harder by unreliable and inconsistent people. I really hate people honestly. At the end of the day I am still a person, so do I hate myself too? I should just become like them. Unreliable. Useless. And a liar. It is what it is I guess.
Having moved out of my home town and into a new city for over a year now. I can’t even imagine my life back in Adelaide. So much has happened. So much has changed. So many ups and so many downs. What does the future bring? It’s all up in the air. What do you want to do? What so you want to go?
Do we even have a choice? Just gotta keep going and go with the flow. What are plans anyway? Covid is always here to disrupt them 😒
I am so tired of people breaking the rules, this lockdown 6.0 goes on and on because of those rule breakers
Why can’t you just suck it up? And do the right thing so ALL of us have to suffer.
Then on the other side, people are flaunting the generosity of payments from the government. I want to pretend I didn’t hear or know about it, now that I know I feel. Defeated. That this is Australia. The people who need help dont get help. The people who are fine are abusing the system
People can get vaccinated but choose not to.
How the hell are we supposed to get out of this if people keep choosing to do the wrong thing?
The people Actually DO do the right thing are not rewarded in anyway and in the end, they keep fighting for some made harder by a few selfish people.
I am really sick of lockdown and I just really really wish I could go home.
Australia has finally decided to add incentives for Australians to get vaccinated. They are offering a lottery potentially from November! Hopefully we will hit 80% vaccination rates by November.
Different airline companies in Australia are also offering incentives to their customers to get vaccinated which is exciting! This includes free business class flights and frequent flyer points.
Uber and Didi are offering rides to the vaccination hubs.
Our lockdown has been extended for another week, this doesn’t come as a surprise to me at all. I think, we have al just learnt to deal with it. The only unfortunate thing for me is that I am on annual leave right now…so the days just pass by meaningless and occasionally I feel like I am wasting away not doing anything. Thankfully I have my family in Adelaide thate I can call from time to time!
I was also able to get a few weekend shifts at work and was lucky to be able to cancel 2 days of my annual leave to get dose preparation for pfeizer! This is one of my goals for coming to Melbourne! It was to be involved in the fight against covid! It feels great to be part of the bigger picture and not just in our own ‘Pharmacy world’. Working at the Covid Vaccination Centre means we work closesly with nurses to draw up the right amount of patients. They are really strict about how many doses we draw up and how many get wasted. The vaccine is a precious commonidity and I guess we have to be really careful how the doses get used. We unfortunately don’t have enough doses to vaccinate everyone as of yet.
Something else I started doing was playing League of Legends again…I played briefly around 9 years ago with my first ex! But since we broke up I deleted the game and haven’t touched it since…so it was super exciting to re-download the game on my Mac Book and see everything that has changed since 2012! It’s amazing how nice the graphics look and they even have tutorials to help teach you how to play the game!
Recently I have spent a lot on health care and I am really thinking perhaps I need to buy a higher level of health insurance :(. I’ve been started on medicine that costs around $70 a month…I’ve also been seeing the Physio for my shoulder which costs $60 per 20 minute session. Today I saw a dermatologist for the keloid in my ear and it was $200 out of pocket for a 20 minute session! The total cost for the session was $336! You have to be super rich to be able to afford to be healthy….that’s what I personally think :(. I put everything on my credit card of course…sad..Costs so much to see a specialist for such a short time..I tried to hide my shock at the costs.. -.-”’
Thirdly, I’ve still been trying to get my daily count of 10,000 steps when I can! I’ve been taking walks around the university campus near my house and it’s nice and relaxing! A lot of people have been going outdoors to exercise! Playing on basketball courts, soccer, or jogging around the campus. I guess this is one of the perks of living near a university campus. As per my Physio, they have asked me to buy weights to help strengthen my arms…I’ve also been using them to exercise too! Slowly I am going to make a tiny home gym! Lockdown has really forced ourselves to be more creative in the way we exercise…
Fourthly and finally, I tried cooking a new recipe today…! Mexican tacos! Well, not really cooking since I had the kit with all the spices and sauces inside already…But I still had to assemble and cook the chicken! In my tacos, I had chicken, capsicum, and spinach! It’s nice to something different every now and then…Because I occasionally get bored of the same thing everyday…
I hope you guys have been well! If you have experienced lockdown, do you have activities or new skills you started doing in lockdown?