Tolerance

I have found that there are so many things that require building up a tolerance to… once you get to a roadblock in which you stop that activity building up your tolerance.. it comes impossible to do what you could do before with high tolerance…

I thought I had overcome my fear of blood… when I worked at the clinical research facility, initially I was super queasy and almost fainted at the video of someone having blood taken from his cannula…in order to work there… I had to change myself to someone I was not…then I slowly exposed myself to videos of people having blood taken … then I watched from afar .. seated and not with an empty stomach… I made sure I was well hydrated and not too tired. I exposed myself more and more until I felt more comfortable.

The first person who I was training under to take blood from, though I thought my big fear of blood would hinder me from being able to take blood…When push came to a shove…I managed to do it. And not pass out. Densensitation. I think that’s how you spelt it(?). Repeated exposure to something makes you tougher and more able to withstand it… same with tolerances to spiciness… you start small and build up.. but you lose it when you stop doing that thing for a while.

That’s what happened to me today. My dad suddenly ran into the house and said, “I bumped my head!” And started putting his head under running water. In my training as a nursing assistant, I got him some clean make up pads and told him to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. I made him sit down, incase he fainted from the blood loss and asked him if he wanted water. When he had pressed for a few minutes I applied a clean waterproof bandaid on his wound and told him to try keep it clean so that it doesn’t get infected.

Anyways, that is besides the point… after I did that.. I started feeling sick in my stomach…maybe it’s because I am hungry.. most likely because I have stopped taking bloods for over five months now.. I’am not immune to the fear of blood, or should I say my tolerance of blood has gone back to what it is before.

I am now lying in my bed now… trying to fight My queasiness and become calm again.

The doubtful thoughts entered my head again, what future doctor can be afraid of blood?

Code Brown: External Emergency

Today I woke up to a thick smog across the score…the smell of smoke can be smelt. :(.

This week has been a difficult one…in the place I live, the temperatures soared to over 40 degrees celsius and the heat continued into the night for four days. It was really hard to sleep at night..because it was so hot and I couldn’t fall or stay asleep…I also don’t have a good functioning air conditioner in my room…and my parents also wouldn’t let us keep the air conditioner in the kitchen.

The sweltering heat, lack of sleep, and just overall increased workload of the upcoming Christmas period and patients admitted due to overheating meant a very tired me. I went to work and back home. Doing nothing in-between. It’s all I knew..Work Home, Work Home, Work and Home. Very boring. How did I even use to manage to study for the medical entrance exam and for university? Thank God we have a summer break for uni! When it’s sooo hot, you really just feel like doing nothing! Luckily we have an air conditioner at work…phew

Oh yes, the title of my post, Because of the intense heatwave this week, a Code Brown was activated at the hospital I work at..which means an external emergency is occurring. We prepared for the worst, we had some increased amount of staff to help out in the dispensary in case it got super busy from the hospital trying to discharge everyone they can before Christmas time…and also to free up beds in case people affected by the heat need to be admitted.

In case I don’t update before Christmas or the New Year, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!

May 2020 be a better year than this year!

Thank you for reading always.

 

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Scared to be Lonely

When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…

When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?

Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?

When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…

When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…

When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before

When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?

When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness

The Art of Tidying Up – Marie Kondo

A few months ago, I was visiting my sister…and she was like… “Come and see how awesome my sock drawer is!”…as she proudly showed me the neatly folded up socks in their own individual square. My sister explained to me, by folding your socks this way, you save time and you also lessen the chance that you will destroy the elastic in your socks. A bonus is that it looks so neat and cute! This was the first time (that I remember) I heard of the now well-known name.. “Marie Kondo”. This was the day I became a Konvert. I could not wait to go home and do the same thing to my sock drawer…and then proceed to spread the discovery of this wonder to my mother…and anyone else that would listen…

I was so excited…I felt this was more than just the tidying up in a different way of my socks…it was deeper in a sense that…I had to break an old habit and make a new one. The old way is comfortable, familiar and seemed easy …but when shown this new and more efficient way…I realised…maybe I have been doing it wrong my whole life.

It almost does certainly feel like a religion! For the next few days and weeks…I spent a lot of time Tidying up my room. After I finished my sock drawer, I went on with the underwear, the sports clothes drawer, the leggings and singlets…and then it was t-shirts and shorts… I went out and bought extra containers to separate my clothes. Eventually…I came to a stand still…there are a whole bunch of clothes hanging up…its so hard…I can’t choose which to keep and which to throw…and then I began my procrastination. My fervour was gone…less time was spent tidying. I still folded my clothes different…but it was with less joy and it was not as visually appealing as before.

Isn’t that true with life in general? We can whole heartedly pursue a new goal, dream and hobby! We get obsessed with it…we feel like that’s all that matters in life…it becomes the focus of all our attention. Then… we become familiar with it, we get slack, we get disinterested…and something else pops up and we forget all about it. Does this ring true for anyone?

How do we keep going and keep pursuing something when we have lost interest? Do we fight at it? Or will it just come back naturally?

I don’t know the answer for you…but for myself…I believe that if the motives behind my doing something is align with my inner values and beliefs…that I will go back to what I started/did. For example, as a young child in primary school, I hated being told what to do…my mother made me learn piano but I hated it! I hated practicing…I don’t like those songs we learn either. EWW. I wanted to instead play the VIOLIN. For some reason I thought it would be wayyyy cooler and I would naturally want to practice at it. To my surprise, my parents agreed and I got to stop my piano classes and take up violin instead…

Then started the weekly classes, then the rehearsals for orchestra…and my mum was getting excited…her child was performing! But, something happened…I got an infection over my finger…and I used that as an excuse not to play…I had inwardly not grown to love the violin…I secretly regretted every changing! Violin I found was wayyy harder to play than the piano…I had to tune the violin, set up the neck rest…which was hard to get used to…and I had to look after the bow and keep it clean and pack the violin carefully away in its case. It was a lot of things to remember for a young kiddo. After taking that break…I never went back, probably to my parents and grandparents disappointment.

Fast track a few years later I am in high school now… I didn’t choose music as a subject as I hadn’t didn’t play an instrument anymore. I just so happened to meet two friend who were doing music…one played the violin and the other played piano…suddenly I also wanted to join back in…I didn’t feel like I wanted to pick up the violin again…so I went back to taking piano classes and I sneaked back into music classes once again.

This time I got a new piano teacher, I told her I didn’t want to learn from those boring graded books anymore, instead I asked if I can learn my favourite theme songs from my favourite anime at that time, Naruto. (Yes, I am was a sad otaku back then…). Loving the background music from those anime, motivated me..inspired me and made me want to practice so I could also play the music that I was passionate and interested in. I no longer needed my mother to push me to practice, it was more like the opposite… I think at the time I probably annoyed the family by playing the piano so much…I would play for hours and they would get annoyed because they wanted to watch tv but they couldn’t hear what was being said. SORRY…!. Well, since that time I haven’t really stopped playing. I still listen out for good music, whether it be songs or background music and seek to learn them….Music for me has always been a way to escape..to forget the present…and allows me to transport myself to somewhere else. It’s the most beautiful noise I think we can make. I don’t know how to explain it and I am not sure how I got to this topic…but hopefully you can find what motivates you and find the reason to keep going and pursuing what makes you tick.

I believe I will get back into the tidying…because the reason why I do it is because of efficiency and I love that feeling of neatness and tidiness. In order to feel good however, first we have to go through the tidying process which can be quite uncomfortable because it makes us face the mess in our lives and actually deal with the problem at hand. I watched the netflix show…but haven’t read her book as of yet, if you haven’t checked out Marie Kondo…I  highly recommend doing it!!

-Konvert

Comparisons

Comparisons. Unfortunately, we all do it. Whether or not its intentional or it just happens. It’s hard to avoid, but it can be toxic as.

We compare ourselves in an attempt for us to supposedly feel better.

At least I am not as evil as her!

At least I didn’t make the same mistake as them

At least I am better than them.

We also do it to make ourselves worse…

Why wasn’t I chosen for the new position? I thought I was as good as they were.

If only I was taller, smarter, prettier, richer, popular… as them

How come they get that and I don’t…I wish I was more like them.

Not great examples..but I hope you get my point. In a round about way, and as most motivational self-help hippy guidebooks would probably say…

Just compare yourself to who you were before.

But I mean it doesn’t always work…What if you were fatter now than before? What if you were pretty and then something happened and you aren’t considered pretty anymore?

 

I am not even sure what this post was even supposed to be about. Some sort of ramble about comparing yourself to others being bad. I think we should try avoid it as much as we can. Just sort of see it as, oh okay…I didn’t get the promotion…maybe I am meant to do something else…or perhaps it’s a sign I should look for a new job…if they seem to be overlooking me… I am determined to finish this post on a slightly positive note…

If one door closes, then another is probably about to open…we just have to stop focusing on the closed door…and realise it may have have to be closed to open the way for new opportunities.

Three days to D-Day ….. ;o

The World of Work

I think, innately everyone desires to have a nice work place..A place where you look forward to seeing your colleagues, a place with nice patients/clients and a place where you feel safe.

When one or more of these things are not there, it can make it a very depressing and difficult time…especially if you work and spend extended periods of time in the same place with the same people.

Difficult Colleagues:

I’ve noticed when there is someone I don’t like at work, I do my best to avoid them. I know, I know it doesn’t solve all the issues. But, if I can run away from confrontation I will..try my best… to run away…

In the end, it doesn’t really matter (cue Linkin Park sound track)…very rarely does it solve the problem…but by being more confident, by standing up for yourself and doing something about it…things can change. Well, I least I do hope so.

Difficult Clients:

I’ve worked/working in a few workplaces that deal with extremely difficult clients, whether drug seekers, criminals or just mentally disturbed…it can be hard! I’ve had to call the police a few times, threaten to and just been scared for my life. I get it, it can be hard and sometimes you wonder…is it worth it? Feeling scared all the time going into work…to get mentally, physically or emotionally abused by clients?

I hate retail. You feel like you have to constantly suck up to your customers or they wont buy your stuff! You have to please them and they can kick a fuss about absolutely anything and I hate that word “The customer is always right”. Because they are not.

Unsafe Workplace:

Unsafe work places are just hazards just waiting to occur…This could be unsafe because of the machinery/equipment at work…like having boiling water all around  you…carrying steaming hot hotpots… or slicing numerous amounts of meats with a dull blade. Unsafe work places can’t be happy places… 😦 If people are constantly getting injured or being affected by the toxic (literally) unsafe work place, it can’t be a very happy place to work in in my opinion.

 

Good workplaces can be a extremely hard thing find, so if you do find one, stick to it!

Otherwise, start your own business and work for yourself 😉

Why procrastinators love New Years

Well, if you are a fellow procrastinator like myself, you will definitely relate to this post…New Years is almost upon us, and I wanted to make sure I did this post before the change in years…because I have a feeling I might forget/laze out before writing it..

I love writing, but I also love procrastinating. In an almost viscous cycle of events for self-sabotage..it’s like the more we procrastinate, the more we love it. Love doing nothing.

The last few days before New Year’s, it the BEST time to procrastinate. The washing that needs to be done, the house that needs to be cleaned, the car that has an infestation of spiders (eek) and the weight that needs to be lost from that overindulgence of chocolate and sweets over Christmas season? I’ll do it next year! Why do we love this phrase? Because, Next year sounds so freaking far away! It won’t come that soon right? Tomorrow, Next week, Next Month…these sounds close and real, but next year? That only happens about 100 times in an average human (if you are lucky/unlucky to live that long). So many times I find myself putting things off, because NEXT YEAR sounds like a good time to start.

Supposedly, I have tricked myself into thinking that I  will wake up and suddenly want to and feel motivated to start studying…to start planning, saving and being more disciplined to go to the gym again… But, unfortunately for us procrastinators, I know too well…that that won’t be the case.

We got to, and can make a decision today (or tomorrow, or next week…) that we will do thing that we need to do. Because, next year is literally around the corner. :O

If we pile too many “resolutions, goals and tasks” to do “next year”, we will most likely feel overwhelmed with the sheer amount of things to do, we might end up doing nothing…but stressing out.

I hope every has Happy New Year! May you be safe, happy and get enough sleep for your soul.

Cheers to a year where we will (hopefully) procrastinate less.

Be Joy-filled.

 

Anyways, I will just reward myself for writing this post with a quick 30 minutes episodes of “Love at First Swipe-” BY Jinny Boy………….then I will get on with…….