Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

Last Day

Last days are so awkward.

There is a swirl of emotions.

Happiness. Sadness. Regret. Anxiety.

There are people that you may never see again.

There are some you want to say Good Riddance forever to

Then there are others that you want to hold onto to.

So many memories are made…both the good and the bad.

But, you appreciated the journey.

You learnt something new.

You grew a bit as a person and as an adult.

And you are one step closer to where you might want to go.

You’ll miss it, but you don’t know if you would go back given the chance.

But maybe you will have the opportunity one day.

Who knows?

The end of a chapter and the start of the next

The cogs of change are changing again and life as I had known it for the last 9 months , funny how it started as a 4 week gig. When did it change? When did I stop caring, stop striving, and lost my focus?

I think I did bring it upon myself…too scared to let go of what is safe and what is familiar and immerse myself into the unknown. I am not sure if that is partly the reason why I find myself in this predicament. But then ironically, I prove myself right. It didn’t work out, but at least I have a some form of security in knowing that I have the second job while looking for something new.

It’s scary. Not knowing what my future will be like. But hey, this has been happening every few months before a contract ends. I still remember the terror and anxiety I felt when my first contract was almost ending…I was worried did I make a good impression? I’ve always worked hard and did my best to be nice to everyone. But I guess when you so hard and with no recognition, you start feeling under appreciated, tired, stressed, and burdened. Too scared to complain because you want to be chosen to stay there, yet everyday feels harder than the day before.

This good bye was inevitable. There are regrets, but there are also moments where I had a confidence that I did not have before and I am proud that this difficult situation developed that in me. Standing up for my rights and of others is something that I strive to do. I think it has something to do with respecting yourself and speaking up when something things off or wrong. Working in a mental health institution has always been a goal of mine and I have fulfilled that and believe this was be a stepping stone into something greater.

Apparently, with this company there will be an exit interview…this is not something I have done before, despite working in so many places previously. There is so many things I want to say, but I need to be careful of saying anything too bad,  because I need this people to be referees. There is never a way to win is there? Better to leave on good times than bad. I am both scared, yet also looking forward to a change of scenery. Bring on the last 3 weeks of full time work…

Stay Tuned for updates

Being a professional problems

Being a “Professional”..Means you can’t just make dirty jokes in front of other staff or patients publicly. Only in secret. Lol.

Means having to dress up and buy nice clothes so you don’t look like the homeless beggar you are at home.

It means taking some time to learn about what is happening in the world, politics, share market, global crisis, and pretending you care about it.

Being polite to people you rather slap in the face than hold a conversation with.

Kinda like pretending to be an adult.

Answering the phone in your polite “phone voice”, when actually you are pissed, angry, stressed, and want to go home.

Show up to networking events like you really want to be there, but in truth, you just want to crawl into a fetal position and read comics on your phone.

It means having a professional sounding voicemail message on your phone.

It means you spend half an hour literally just writing out your job description, phone number, email (why do u need this if the signature is attached to your email?!
), fax number, address, etc to your email signature…to make it look ‘professional’ you have to choose an appropriate font, size, and spacing. v. important.

It means applying for jobs that will improve your career and doing extra study/extra activities for your resume building.

Probably helps if you drink some alcohol.

It is about pretending to get along with everyone and be nice to evil people, bullies because you are “workmates” and you are a T E A M. Even though you hate them.

About pretending to care about your patients who are giving you a hard time, when u wish they would rot behind a cell.

It’s about not giving up when it all seems to hard and you feel tempted to quit…coz is the money worth the hardship!?!?!?

It’s about continual learning, even though the topics are nothing that you are interested in at all,