Returning Home to Adelaide

Coming back to Adelaide for the first time since I left was weird… at times it felt like nothing had changed… but underneath the surface, when you looked a little closer, things has definitely changed.

Since I made the move to Melbourne in August, my friend had a baby, 2 of my friends separated from their partners, my sister finally moved into their new home, my dad was diagnosed with diabetes….my brother bought an ipad for $13!! Houses have been built, buildings have been knocked down, many shops have been forced to close, the covid-19 situation leaves its sting on each business. There are QR codes at each business so that people can check in.

My home hasn’t changed … it’s still as messy and full of hoarded stuff.. everytime I see it, I feel sad.. I feel like I want to clean it up, but it’s not really up to me to tell my parents they need to start throwing away…. for example, I tried washing my clothes this morning and the Washing Machine started shaking, vibrating, and stopped working completely… I had to HANDWASH every item and I know I did a shit job. Lol. Haven’t handwashed anything in forever. I dont even have a bucket to do that in Melbourne.. and of course we don’t have a dryer so some of my clothes are still wet 😅😅😅….

My pet turtle is hugeeee now!! Maybeeeee coz I haven’t seen her for so long!! But she looks hugeee! I am so sure my dad is feeeding her wayyy too much.

My little nephew is as cute as ever!! He has been growing taller and since he has started walkingc he has been losing his baby fat! No longer the chubby baby I once knew! He can saw random words on demand..i.e. the colour BLUE, the name EMMA (the yellow wiggle), and the numbers 8 and 9.

It’s weird feeling like a stranger in your own home, I feel like a guest, but then I also feel like I am not. Hard to explain.

Was this whirlwind last minute trip worth it? Definitely… I just hope there won’t be any last minute breakouts which mean I have to immediately self-isolate or quarantine when I head back to Melbourne… fingers and toes are crossed.

Now, let’s all enjoy that weird time between Christmas and New years.

Cheers to a better year in 2021 🥂

Short Story Series – You got Scammed. Chapter 4

Hmmm. Well, what was the worst thing that could happen? It was just her phone number she was giving, not her bank account details or anything right? Should be alright? Right?

She typed back, “Fine here’s my number.. . The food you cook better look amazing”. She pressed send and put her phone away.

Lilly finally finished work at around 7 pm and was opening the door of her apartment when her phone started going vibrating and lighting up with notifications. What in the world??? It was an unknown number that popped up.

“Hi! This is Hiroshi here!”.. “Thanks for sending me your number.;). .. then next he sent a was a photo of a bowl of ramen that looked as it came from a top Japanese restaurant. “This is what I just cooked for my breakfast today”. Then there was several again blurry photos that he took of himself with a mask hiding his half of his face. The last message said,“Do you like what you see?”. I can cook for you and give you a massage on your feet, because I know you will be tired from work ;(.”. Also, let me know when you are on your period and i’ll make sure to look after you!”.

Lilly didn’t know how to reply…overwhelmingly he seemed too good to be true, but at the same time she wanted to believe that maybe there was a guy that could understand women, could cook, and was as good looking as the man in her dreams…there was one way she could find out from the safety of her phone.

She replied, “Hey Hiroshi! Thanks for sending me the photos! Wow! did you really make that? Looks like it came straight out of a Japanese restaurant!”. By the way, why are you sending me blurry photos of you with a mask on? Do you have something to hide? Jkjk. But seriously, want to video chat tonight if you are free?”.

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Have you ever been a negative nelly and you believed something bad was going to happen, and when it did you announced. “I told you so!”

How much did our attitude to that problem, situation contribute to what happened?

If you always feel like your partner is going to chest on you, so you are suspicious of every female friend they hang out with…and you accuse him of flirting at every opportunity. Maybe your behaviour contributed to his decision to cheat. He was called a cheat, so might as well do it right?

I am not sure if I am making any sense at all.. I woke up around 5 and couldn’t fall back asleep… I was too cold. Most of the time, I am too hot when I sleep. Life is so hard.

P.S. todays cover photo is of some Frozen Taiyaki I found in my local Asian grocery store :0 $3 for 5 mini ones. A bargain 🤣🤣. I put two in the air fryer for about 5 minutes and it’s super crispy and DELICIOUS. Unhealthy probably but delicious. I am craving one now.. but its like 7am. Lol.

Anyways, in conclusion. We have to acknowledge that we have past preconceptions and assumptions about people and their behaviour. Because men and women are not all the same. Stereotyping people and situations doesn’t help. It should make you more alert, but sometimes the ending can be different. And hence I end thid somewhat sleep deprived chat here.

2 days to go…

Been soooo busy these days.. doing lots of things.. but also feeling like I am not doing anything productive…

Been going out wayyyyy too much. I am not a very sociable person, so sometimes its a bit awkward…but I don’t regret it. It makes me feel sad that I am leaving behind all these wonderful people whom some I haven’t seen for months and months! It’s only because I am moving away that I am seeing them..

Packing… it has started and what started as one suitcase has turned into two suitcases, 2 crates, eight bags of clothes, and one more to come.. dont forget the badminton stuff… gym mat… laptop.. chargers.. last minute toiletries…hair dryer… contacts lens… pillow quilt.. soft toys.. snacks and drinks for the trip..I feel like I want to bring everything.. but my car is tiny.. ;(

So much to do.. but so little time 😦

How to be comfortable #forever alone

There are going to be times where you will be alone, whether driving to work, going on work vacations or if you don’t know anyone in a social situation…or even during Covid lockdowns. I think it is always useful to have something to do in case you have time to kill and don’t want to waste it.

1. Have a piece of technology with you at all times…most likely at least your phone…so you can use it to surf the internet, use social media, or write ideas for future blog posts…

2. Have a book to read…Whether a light novel, autobiography or whatever. It is perfectly acceptable to sit somewhere to read, you would less uncomfortable with a book than without. Can even read manga or ebooks from your phone like Webtoons! Or listen to books being read out loud on Audiobooks etc.

3. Have some good music to listen to. Emo music is great.

4. Get a pet. Dog, cat, fish, or turtle etc. Even plushie or bolster is fine. xD. Anything you can cuddle really….

5. Learn how to play an instrument..but don’t spend too much on your first instrument xD you can learn from Youtube videos.

6. Just learn to love yourself and to love the friends and family around you. You can do this with the help of Apps, self-health books, psychological services, or just spending time on yourself.

7. Maybe get a plant? But only if you can keep it alive, nothing is more depressing than a dead plant in the house :(.

8. Watch online streamers or even start streaming yourself! Maybe a good way to connect with other people or make new friends.

9. Get into the stock or share market!! Why not use all that spare time you have being single and grow your investment portfolio and become a bit more well off than you are now. Also look into your Super Fund and see if they are really growing your supperannuation for you or is it time to choose a different option for yourself.

10. Work out and get yourself the best body you can have! Go to the gym as much as you can, get fit, and get healthy..or play a sport, like badminton!! I guess this is good for making friends and socialising as such, if your area let’s you go back to indoor spoorts that is.

I am guessing the reality of these things I listed is because when you DO eventually get into a relationship, you most likely will have less time to yourself and to do what you want. Why not make the most of this single prime time and make it your time..

-#Foreveralone

2020

2020 is a big year. I can feel it already. The year I leave my 20s and enter the scary 30s. !!

It’s a year I want to knock off some things off my bucket list.

One of them being going to New Zealand. Always had planned to go…but because it seemed so close to home, it doesn’t feel like I am leaving the country. I am happy to say I have booked my flights to New Zealand and will be going on the 19th to 24th of March! Super excited…but also feeling a bit stressed…I haven’t found accommodation yet! I think when I finally get a place to stay I will feel more relieved… It’s hard to plan transport, tours, and etc without knowing where you will stay :(. I guess you can call me a homeless person while I am in NZ.

I have also managed to get VIP tickets to meet on of my favourite Jrock bands, ONE OK ROCK. SUPER excited. I have always wanted to see them live…When I was in Japan for exchange back in 2014, I wanted to see them in Japan….however they were touring in the US at that time..so I missed that opportunity. BUT they are coming to my hometown!!!!! So excited. I would have flown interstate to see them…but now no need…so might aswell splurge on VIP tickets which include a meet and greet <3, early entry, a special lanyard, and a wrist band. But most importantly, is that I get to meet them…and hopefully get a photo if I am lucky! None of my friends that are going got the VIP tickets…so hopefully I can make a friend there or find someone kind enough to help me take a photo.  I guess this would be a new addition to my bucket list.

Assuming all goes well in the jobs department, i.e. getting an extension of my current work contract or getting a new job within SA Health, I hope I can save up enough for a house/unit deposit. I am aiming for about 60-80k, which will be about the minimum 20% deposit I need for a house. Gotta keep working hard!

I have applied for the JET program..so this may affect my income levels aswell. But, no fear..doesn’t mean I can’t still be working overseas and saving for my house deposit. I haven’t heard anything back from them yet, so who knows if I will even pass the written part of the application? But at least I tried, right?

To be honest, I am not sure what else is on my latest bucket list…I think the same things that always matter will be there or not…stay fit and healthy… be present with family and enjoy time with my nephew …and be an awesome friend….travel more…finish my study…and get lots more experience in my career and keep working hard for long term goals…Oh yeah keep writing more in this blog..and other stuff which I have much neglected…

Do you have any goals or aims for 2020?

People who don’t care about you

Have you ever took a step back and realised someone that you thought you loved..liked…and realised. They don’t give a shit about you?

You spend so much time, money, and effort on them. Yet, all they care about is themselves. Their problems. Their issues. It’s always about them. You thought you would be able to have a relationship with them. But all you were to them was a piece of trash. Did they care to ask about your day? No. Did they ask you how your interview went? No. Did they even bother wishing you a happy birthday on your birthday? No. Despite you telling them about these things. You realise. They don’t give a single shit about you!

You were just conveniently there when they needed someone to be with them, to listen to their shit, and to let them feel comforted. You were being used. And for so long you let them do that to you. You tried to forget them…so many times. You ignored them. Kept your distance. Then they come running back when you least expected and it starts all over again.

But that is the last time. You will not, cannot let yourself be looked down upon. You are worth so much more than that. There will be someone who loves you for who you are. As a friend said to me, it takes two people to have a relationship. Not just one person struggling to keep it together, while the other person makes no effort…just keeps receiving without giving anything. I am not sure what I even like about that person? Maybe I was lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Maybe I wanted a friend. Maybe I wanted something more. But, when I found out who this person really is and how bad they treat me…I realise I deserve more. I had to tell someone about him. I was embarrassed though, because who goes chasing after someone who gives zero fucks about you? Again and again. Why did I think I could change him?

He’s a dick and he will stay a dick. I turned 29 years old yesterday. It’s time to grow up and realise my worth. In terms of what I can do in my career…in my sports..in my relationships…I have decided I won’t settle for what is convenient and easy… Have to realise you can do more than you think, because if you stick in a bad job or relationship for the sake of convenience…think of what you are missing out on…The higher pay..the better environment and someone who loves you better.

To be honest, I had a good look at my situation when I overhead a colleague talking about their friend who is seeing a dick guy. Apparently, the guy doesn’t want anyone to know about them and they meet in secret…Apparently, he doesn’t want to commit because he has another girl on the side…yet this friend continues staying with him. She gets heartbroken every month and comes crying to her friends. It’s hard. When you think you are in love. You try to see past all the flaws and the red flags telling you to run. Maybe it is our kind hearts that try to see the good in everyone.

Girls and boys, you deserve so much more. Someone you can love, and who will love you back.

Don’t look down on yourself.

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Nobody knows

Nobody knows what goes on inside your head

In turn, you don’t know what goes inside theirs.

We go through life guessing, assuming, and dictating what we think others are thinking. Little do we know how wrong or maybe right we are.

How can we know someone, better than we know ourselves? We could know someone, but maybe they changed or perhaps you were only seeing an act that they put on?

How do you really really know someone? I guess you can’t. You can just hope that you do and trust they are who they say they are.

Random rants: On Replay

Do you ever have times .. usually at the middle of the night.. when you are trying to sleep because you have work or a flight early tmoro morning… and you cannot sleep.. because you keep ruminating over something again and again… so much so that the story becomes twisted and strays from the original. Your emotions, feelings, and thoughts taint your memory of what really happened…

The story becomes what you want it to be instead. A fragment of the truth, but what is the truth? Each person will tell it in a slightly different way. Just look at the bible, in the New Testament there are several books written about the same event but by different people.

Alas, this late night post to try to get off my mind what has been weighing on my mind for the last few weeks. I think, I need closure, I have to settle things, for once and hopefully for all.

Random rants: Expensive​ Hobbies

I have a friend who likes loves cars…I am talking obsessed. Basically, their whole life is cars. Buying them, selling them, fixing them, cleaning, you-name-it and they are probably have done that to a car. They have their own car that they have modified to their liking and use it to go on tracks to race with. As I can imagine, it is an expensive hobby… apparently, each time they take their car on the racing (?) tracks they have to spend hundreds if not thousands to have all the tyres, brakes, and other parts of their car replaced. To me, because I do not understand why someone would waste spend so much money on such a temporary ‘in the moment’ high kinda thing.

Then I was listening to a podcast about people who collect ‘high-end shoes’. Someone on the podcast said they had around 40 pair of shoes in their collection…the thing I don’t understand is that they just buy the shoes to put on display…they don’t even wear them! That boggles my mind that you would buy something just to look at them…Each pair ranges from a few hundred dollars to a few thousand…Did you know there are such things as ‘Shoe Conventions?’

I don’t mean to belittle other people’s hobbies and interests… I guess it has made me more aware that other people have passions and interests that I might not understand. I think back to what I spend most of my money on…and it has been on travelling overseas in different countries and learning…so I guess that is my passion and to other people, it may seem like a waste of money.

What are the things you spend your time and money on?

 

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Be yourself

Find yourself someone who can accept you for who you are. Your faults, your strengths, who can understand the way you think..if they make you feel bad for being yourself, then they probably aren’t the right person for you.

I read somewhere before, that just because a relationship didn’t work out.. doesn’t mean that there is something broken or unlovable about you. Yes, maybe there is things you need to work on.. but that doesn’t mean that no one will ever love you. It can be sad when you get your heart broken… but sadly that’s part of life.

I don’t know if I believe in ‘The one’ anymore…maybe there will be many ‘The Ones’ and maybe there will just be one. But I truly believe if you put all your effort into something and it didn’t work out.. it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of something else. You change your perception.. you know a little bit better what you like and don’t like… you grow a little stronger.. even though you feel so weak.

Maybe there isn’t even ‘the one’ for you… and that’s fine. I think it’s fine. I believe You can live comfortably by yourself.. and that’s okay too. No one to hurt you, to worry you or cause you to be angry. Maybe a dog or cat. Who knows.

I don’t know. I just think take it as it is. Sometimes life doesn’t go your way.. but just gotta reflect on it and try bounce back.

Scared to be Lonely

When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…

When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?

Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?

When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…

When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…

When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before

When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?

When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness

Random rants: Hectic Lives

Do you ever stop and think about how you coped with things in the past?

I sometimes wonder why I get so many migraines, headaches, and sicknesses. Then I kind of get reminded that maybe I am not eating properly, not sleeping properly, and probably doing one too many things at once.

Stress is an interesting thing and it can change over time and comes in all types of shapes and sizes.

I was reflecting back on my undergraduate university days and remembered that every day was full of things to do.

I was studying full-time, and in pharmacy we had quite a lot of contact hours…we had practicals that were 5 hours long, workshops, lectures, etc etc. It was a hectic life, on top of that I also worked two days a week in a cafe for 3 years, a retail pharmacy for one year, and in a hospital in my final year. I remembered playing in a team for the weekly badminton competition, I also remembered being captain of my very own Vets team. Then there were the religious commitments I used to have, I was in the church band, and they had weekly rehearsals on Saturdays…as well as the actual ‘performance’ days on Sundays which took up most of the day. I used to spend almost every day before a test or an exam studying at uni until well after 10 pm..to then wake up the next day at 6:30am and do it all again.

 

I remember one day, before an important test..I was studying late at night at the university..revising.. and I got a phone call. It was my mum. She said Grandmother had passed away. I was in shock. This couldn’t be happening! Not now…I just can’t deal with it…I couldn’t study any more after that. I don’t know how I managed to make myself go to that test and do so well… In hindsight, I could have applied to defer that test if I wanted to…but I didn’t.

That experience woke me up a little, it made me feel all sorts of feelings. It made me feel guilty most of all. WHY didn’t I spend more time with my grandmother when she was alive? Why did I prioritise STUDYING so much? Why did I want to do well in university when I could have just got through with average grades…Why was I so afraid of NOT doing well? Of failing? Where were my priorities? I don’t know why I worked so hard and I don’t know if it was worth it? It’s so easy to get obsessed with things for me…I was obsessed with badminton…with music…with drawing…with anime…I don’t know. Passion? Entertainment? I don’t know. Honestly…now  I am probably just obsessed with working and getting money. For what? Do I think a house or holiday will make me happy? Maybe. Maybe for a little bit. But then what, I’ll be sad again?

I have to constantly remind myself, life is short. We don’t know when our end is. What will we regret when we are older that we wished we did more?

I ask myself this because there are many decisions we have to make. There are many pathways we could go…but it all takes risks…There are some many “I WISHES” and hopefully we can get to them before it is ‘Too late’ and anyways I am not even sure where this post is going anymore…

 

 

 

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Big fish in a small bowl

So I listened to a podcast about an interview with a girl that was part of one of ‘The Bachelor’ series. If you don’t know what this series is about, it’s basically like one guy that around 24 girls are trying to fight with each other to win over. It actually sounds quite stupid, if you ask me. What makes that one guy that special that 24 pretty girls are fighting over him?

I guess it may be the big fish in a small bowl effect. Because they are all taken out of their normal lives, with no access to the internet, other people..etc they just all behave differently than they normally would. In the real world would you really fight over this one guy that you know is seeing 23 other girls at the same time? NO, you will just think of him as a dirty player and find someone else better that does not go out with other girls at the same time as you. Most of them wouldn’t even swipe right on Tinder for them I don’t understand how the girls in this show could genuinely be in love with this guy…doesn’t it piss them off to know that he is seeing so many other girls at the same time?! That would piss me off greatly. L.O.L.

Anyways, I am using this example to try and explain the tunnel vision that sometimes we may have in our lives. We think that things are a certain way because that’s all we have ever known, but elsewhere..be it another state or country…things are done differently. People are different. There is so much of life that is yet to be explored and sometimes we feel like there are not enough fishes in the sea, but maybe we just haven’t been brave enough to explore the ocean in its entirety.

For example, you may think… that you will never meet ‘the one’ for you. But, maybe he or she is not living in your small town…what are the chances that your soul mate is conveniently located in the same place as us?  Maybe, we have to expand our world a bit further…and become a small fish in a very very big bowl.

ps…and in other words…I am starting a new job tomorrow! First day…feel very much like a small fish entering in a massive seaworld themepark ..>.< wish me luck!!

pps. Thanks for the 2000 visits to this page!

 

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