Random Rants: Regrets

Just got hit by a wave of regret today…

You know that feeling how you think you have it bad…but then you lose someone or something that had always been by your side and you regret taking them/that thing for granted? It could be a relationship, a beloved piece of clothing, or a job.

Maybe your mind might play tricks on you by making it seem better than it was, you remember all the good times and things that that they/it gave to you, but you forgot the way the relationship didn’t work, the item was not working as well as it once did, or the reasons why you left that job in the first place.

Alas, every end of something great can only open the door for things that are even greater.

You will meet someone or encounter something new that will blow your mind away… I guess in order to make room and time for something new, the old has to pass by.

But, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to mourn for what you once had and lost. You don’t need to ‘cheer up’ or ‘look on the brighter side of things’…Because otherwise, you miss out on learning more valuable lessons.

Lessons about learning to take care of things more properly in the future, of not taking relationships or people for granted, and treasuring what is important to you most.

So, take your time, feel the regret, sadness, and loneliness. Embrace it. Fully. Let it do all it wants to. And then, embrace the next new thing.

 

 


 

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Rainbows

For the last two days..while I was driving to work I saw a rainbow in the sky.
On the first day that I saw it…I was like..is this a sign that everything is going to be okay? That despite all the decisions, changes, and stresses- will it really be okay?
Today, I saw the rainbow again and I felt kind of angry at it…’ Why’ I asked myself, are you giving me false hope? Is everything going to get better? Why does it feel like it is getting worse?
I think something is wrong when you are angry at something that beautiful in the sky.

I have been reminded lately, that I am responsible for my own happiness..and I need to stop letting circumstances, other people, and things from biting away my own happiness.

I am somewhat responsible for all the stress I have been feeling…overcommitting to too many things and somehow believing I can do it all well. I can make a choice not to stress myself out and put down some things…if I wanted..but I still choose not to…being undecided.

Why do we trust so easily? Until something happens that is…

Yesterday, a thought suddenly occurred to me… which had never occurred to me before… How can we trust those people around us?

I am not only referring to family members, friends, or lovers…but like the people who we may or may not know that are serving us in someway…behind a counter…or driving the bus that you may be catching to work…

Society is built on a trust that people will do their jobs in a safe and correct manner… In some ways, people will either use or not use a service based on their reputation and by word of mouth… However, in the case of public transport…we really do not have an alternative option…because it is something the government organises and there are not alternatives at this moment…

The reason I was thinking about this, was that I know one of my methadone clients at my workplace works for Uber Eats… I am not trying to say that all methadone clients are aggressive and rude…but this one is… I would personally, be scared and not really want them to be my uber eat deliverer… As I confront the feelings of why I feel this way…I just don’t trust them…?! What if they leave their delivery bag near drugs or they smoke weed… what if some drugs fall into the food? What if the bag is just dirty?? (Could apply to anyone delivering..do they clean those bags they use?)…Maybe it’s just me who overthinks these things…or SHOULD we be thinking of these things? Because I know restaurants in Australia have strict rules and regulations about cleanliness and hygiene control…but what about the people delivering the food?!!? What if they tamper with it while distributing it?

 

So much to think about .. :(…

Needless to say, I won’t be ordering food delivery for awhile…

 

 

 


 

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In the face of uncertainty

I have always been a person who hated surprises or unknowns…I am just really bad at dealing with things that do not go to plan.

I think that might be the case for others too…When things change..when your favourite supermarket closes down, when that brand of leave in hair conditioner that has been discontinued or when the ownership of your favourite sushi restaurant goes to someone else… All these inconveniences and small mishaps can build up and you suddenly feel like nothing is a constant anymore. These things are what hold us down, ground us and perhaps makes us feel ‘safe’.

But the truth is, nothing lasts forever, all things have to come to an end at some stage or another. What in life is truly guaranteed? Except, Death of course…unless you somehow have worked out a way to become immortal. If so, please let me know your secrets…

In the face of uncertainty, what do you choose? Do you choose to take a risk or do you start with what is familiar, safe and the same?

The art of looking good: Guys VS Women

I was getting ready this morning …and it occurred to me, I feel like I spend a lot of effort when meeting people…

For girls:

  1. The shower to be clean and have freshly washed hair.
  2. Blow drying hair and adding copious amount of leave in conditioner and also add moisturiser and lotion to face
  3. Taking a large amount of time to try decide what to wear…factors that need to be considered is the weather…what I am going to do…Do I need pockets today?! What shoes will I wear…
  4. Then it’s time to paint your face, smile, eye brows and lips on.
  5. Then it’s time to straighten out your hideous hair which can take a loaning time when its stubborn. Then style with hair gels.
  6. Then need to choose hand bag and other accessories…such as necklaces? Watch? Lipbalm in bag?
  7. Then revaluate everything and check if you need to change anything.
  8. Spray some deodorant or perfume!

    For guys:

    1.Wake up
    2.Shower
    3. Wears the first clothes that the see in the morning and they only have one pair of shoes to go out with.

    Done!

    It’s weird…when I see a guy has showered. I feel like that’s already a lot of effort…But then in comparison, doesn’t the girl make wayyyy more effort?
    Why is life so unfair?

BUT then again, I guess there is slightly more expectations that a guy should look a certain way. Society seems to have an obsession with masculinity that I don’t really understand… Guys like to have big muscles and they especially love showing off them gym photos. Weird Flex to me! If they are small, they feel self-conscious of it and try to hide their insecurity by pretending they don’t care…

 

I guess society has different expectations of the gold standards for women and men…Women need to pretty, petite and sexy…and men need to be masculine, tall, and handsome.

Too bad real life isn’t always gold standard

..Happy Easter!!

 

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Would you rather? *Random Rants*

Have you ever thought why players like to be players? As in those who don’t want to commit to one person in a relationship and like to see new people all the time?

I believe I am an optimistic pessimist…if that exists ..I can see the good AND the bad things in every situation..

SO in this particular scenario..

A player gets the thrills of 100 first dates…gets excited for meeting the girl/boy for the first time…excitement of finding out about this new girl/boy. It’s exciting when you do everything for the first time. You go to exciting new restaurants, see movies, try something you never have done before…you learn a lot of things from these 100 first dates from 100 people. The downfall is, that you fall in love easily-and get your heart broken easily. There is no one that’s going to stay by your side..because it’s always changing…You don’t have deep and meaningful connections…

or…

Alternatively would you rather have 100 mediocre dates with the same person? Perhaps  you like this person…or perhaps you are just tolerating them..because you’ve been together for so long already.. Maybe your dates have gotten boring…or maybe you don’t even go out anymore…it’s just Netflix and chill all day everyday. Sure, you’ve found stability, loyalty ..but won’t you get tired of the seeing the same person day in and day out?

 

What would you prefer if you had a choice?

 

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What’s in a name?

I’ve been thinking lately (what else is new?)- about the power of a name..

There are so many uses for a name! People associate themselves with names, land marks and buildings have names, countries have names, and also illnesses have names.

Flowing on from the last post about introductions, I wonder…can you know someone without knowing their name? Like why does it matter what their name is? Yet, it DOES matter in terms of having an identity that you are who you are. If we didn’t have names, would we just be described by our behaviours or how we physically look like? That blind man over there…That fat old lady sitting there…I guess we may that to an extent if we didn’t know their names…

It’s really amazing the stereotypes that we associate with certain things..be it a gender.. “I am a boy, so I should be strong, I should not cry!”…”I am a girl, so I should know how to cook and clean!”. It could be a race, “I am Chinese, so I should be ashamed about the fact I do not know how to use chopsticks properly!”. Sometimes I feel like, due to all the names and labels that are put on us, we feel like we have to be or act a certain way to fulfil other people’s expectations of us. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you should act a certain way, therefore you act that way…and then you think it is because I thought I had to act that way so I did, or did I naturally want to do it? I hope you understand what I mean.

So, in particular I want to highlight why naming has such a big level of influence on someone ‘diagnosed’ with a mental illness. I will explain shortly why I put diagnosed in quotation marks. If you haven’t heard of the DSM, you can check out this link here basically it is a bible of all the known mental illnesses of mankind at this point of time. It is always changing, things are added and things are taken out. For example, homosexuality used to be in the DSM, until people rallied to have it taken out. I imagine it would be a terrible time to live in if you were homosexual…if you revealed to a doctor you had homosexual tendencies…you would be subject to various, often painful, treatments in order to ‘cure’ you and make you ‘normal’ or heterosexual.  Sadly, often these treatments did not work and caused terrible trauma and pain upon those individuals.

The DSM started off as a small thin book and throughout the years it has been continually added to…there are more entries going in than out..it’s now a huge book. So, it causes us to ask the question, “Are we just putting labels on normal human behaviours?“. So basically everyone has mental illness. If we are all mentally ill, then what right do we have to called others ‘Crazy, Pyscho, and Insane?”

But my point is, are we really helping people on their road to recovery by sticking numerous labels on people?

I remember a time when I went to see a doctor about a problem… she initially diagnosed it as “XX” condition…then later she changed her mind and said it was “YY”. Did any of these labels help me to get back on my feet? The answer is N-O. It did nothing, except perhaps make me even more paranoid. I looked up Dr Google and looked up all the symptoms and things that people diagnosed with “YY” had…I went to forums and read how people’s lives seemed to be affected by having “YY”… I was confused, scared, and my anxiety was through the roof. I felt like I had a life sentence upon me, just because of the subjective, narrow-minded opinions of one individual who was useful for nothing except chucking labels. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I doubted my self to be normal and got self-conscious of every action that I did, did I do it because I have “YY” condition? Was I going to turn out like everyone else that presumably have “YY” condition..

I am so glad now, I left that doctor after realising how toxic visiting her was… I see a different doctor who does not just throw labels around. She genuinely wants to understand what I am going through and why I am going through those things…It’s not a matter of throwing my labels upon a person…it is trying to understand what they are going through and helping them explore options to why they feel that way. The first doctor had created a large chasm between me and her, she had elevated herself to be the ‘expert’ and I was just a ‘passive clueless’ receiver. Because I listed out a few symptoms that fit into the definition particular condition, she deemed I had it…it didn’t matter  that there were exceptions to the rule, that I had strengths and characteristics not associated with that condition…it was because she used her subjective, stereotypical view and saw me as ‘abnormal’ and I needed to be ‘fixed’. She made it clear something was wrong with me and that I needed to change, she gave the impression she was normal. Now I think back, she was nothing but an evil witch. She didn’t want people to get better, she just wanted herself to feel better about herself by chucking labels on everyone.

I am not saying labelling a condition is not useful for anything…certainly if you want to have mental health sessions subsidised by the government you have to be categorised into having a diagnosis of some sort…the same is needed for insurance company claims etc…but if you are trying to help someone, it is not useful for helping them in their recovery by focussing on their deficits and not their strengths.

I have been meaning to write about this topic for some time now, but put it off.. because I am not sure if I can do it justice..

I would be super interested in hearing your thoughts about this!

 

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Don’t try to Fix Me

Have you ever wished that you could take away someone’s sadness…anger issues..bad habits?

Have you, despite knowing you can’t change them- gotten angry, frustrated, and upset that despite all your immense efforts and hard work – they don’t change…or they change for a bit-then they go straight back to their old habits.

Why do we do that? Why do we try change people?

Sometimes our intentions may be good ones..we just want the best for them…you can see that they are acting toxic towards themselves or others…and you think alright…just need to change them…

But, as you might have realised..it’s incredibly hard to change someone, who doesn’t want to or understand why they need to change. If the self-determination isn’t there, they won’t be able to change…They will just continue thinking what they are doing is right. Unless they can see clearly why they need to change their behaviour…telling them… yelling at them…incenticising them will only lead so far 😦

 

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How to build Resilience

 

So today I want to talk about resilience… this was a topic brought up in my class earlier this week…

How do we even define resilience?

Why do some people seem more resilient than others? 

How can we develop this resilience?

These are all valid questions that one may have..because I think we all sort of know what resilience looks like…and it can look very different to different people and that’s okay.

For me personally, I would define resilience as someone or something that does not give up even though they are being knocked down time and time again, or they fail again and again…or they seem to be losing, but they do not lose hope. The picture that comes into mind is two people playing a singles game of badminton, there is one player that is clearly better than the other, yet the weaker player are not phased… they are focused, they are not giving up in the face of the competition before them. Despite everyone around them knowing that this is a hopeless battle, they do not admit defeat and do not surrender with out giving the game their best shot. To these people I applaud them..for their bravery of even daring to try. So many times I don’t even want to try at something that looks too difficult or that it would make me look bad…

So why is it that some people seem more resilient than others? Examining those around me…I think of my younger brother, the youngest in the family and the one whom I feel does not have much resilience in the face of adversity yet. At the moment he is looking for a job, but he has not gotten even one interview. Has he given up? Sort of. From all the rejection letters and non responses, he instead spends him time continuing to play games or go out with friends instead of job hunting. He says, it’s the course that I studied-it’s a dead end that leads to no jobs. Sure that may be true, but who said it is the degree that gets you a job? I believe resilience is developed with age, experience and life experiences…and for him whose only every worked one job in his life…which was given to him on a plate…he has narrow view of the working world and what it takes to fight for the hob you want. The world is often a very unfair and unjust world and sometimes we feel like we have to fight our way into opportunities…

How, then can someone develop resilience? If it is so important, then shouldn’t we all work hard to get it? I think it comes in the face of adversity…and also as I learnt in class, it also depends on what else is going in your life at the same time. I believe I am usually a resilient person…I have gone through many trials, tests and set backs…and I have grown stronger through them. However, there is one such dark time in my life, where so many things went wrong at the same time and my world crumbled down…until there was no resilience left in me at all. I lost my job, my relationship broke down and I was diagnosed with a medical diagnosis.   Everything that could possibly be taken from me was taken from me and I was faced with medical costs…no jobs and a lack of insight for my future. At the time, I really had no strength to go on. You know what helped me regain my resilience again? It was the people around me…the family, the doctors, the counsellors and people that I thought would have never been there for me who helped me through. Sometimes we need help to become resilient again. You have to start rebuilding your new normal. You have to write down, reflect and remember what lessons you learnt at that time and remind yourself, you don’t want to be down there again.

I don’t think there is a formula for resilience. But like exercise we can do our best to practice it regularly and when times of adversity come, we can flex those resilience muscles which can hopefully help us through.

Sooo I finally finished my exam… I have spent a lot of my free time this year studying for said exam and now that it is finished…I honestly feel a bit of loss at what to do. Sure I have million things I need to do..But yeah settling into this ‘New Normal’ is both scary yet exhilarating. Isn’t it funny how you only work up a list of all these things you need to do when you don’t have the time to do it? When you do have time, you feel like procrastinating…? Only me? Never mind then! 

Extroverted Introverts

So I was talking to a colleague at work..he was sitting by himself-not at the staff room having his break. I asked him why he didn’t want to go into the staff room to have his break.. Interestingly he said he didn’t want to talk to people he didn’t know downstairs.

I was quite surprised .. this colleague in my opinion was a very talkative person and seemed to get along with  everyone …I thought he would love to talk to people in his break..

He said it made him tired and took energy away from him..

He said he was actually an introvert…but because of work..he  has to act extroverted.

It made me think…we do live in a world where extroverts seem to thrive in….work places need collaboration..communication and also working with difficult people…Unless you work in a job where you worked by yourself or work all by yourself..it is hard NOT to avoid people.

I think I am quite introverted..as sometimes I do not have energy to talk to people I don’t know…and I just really want to be by myself… But at other times I really do get  bored or feel lonely…and then I will call up a friend to arrange a meeting.

I also established that we are all probably a bit of both…I guess it’s a spectrum…we aren’t always one or the other…but certain situations may force us to be more of one than another. It can be hard….

Have you ever thought what kind of person you are?

Money and Happiness?

So somehow at work today we came upon the discussion of how much one earns and their level if happiness.

One of the doctors was telling a patient about how he left his full time job at a public hospital and chose to instead work in Clinical Trials 3.5 days a week part-time.

The patient immediately asked him, do you work somewhere else on the rest of the days?

The doctor said, “No, 3.5 days is enough for me (they must earn a lot more than me..:()… he said,”I could work more, but earning more money wont make me more happy”. This doctor is one smart man, and I think he made a wise decision for himself. But, not everyone is lucky enough to be able to only work 3.5 days a week and have enough to live on…

Time to become a doctor..!!!

Let things not go to plan

How many people have imagined that they would be something, married someone, or gave birth to x number of kids by this time?

We only beat ourselves up when we haven’t followed to the tee our plans and visions for our lives.

I am super guilty of trying to plan and control all the variables of my life. I have used countless number of diaries, online calendars/apps, vision boards and basically notes things to do/achieve stuck just all over my room.

We all make our own timeline for ourselves, but so often than not… we don’t end up achieving said goals and we end up feeling upset at ourselves. We check facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and notice that everyone else is buying their “dream house”, getting hitched, having kids and just living a life that seems way more ahead and special than our own. We convince ourselves that we aren’t as good as them…

But I know how it feels to be the one envied.. I have friends overseas who only had my Facebook photos to see how I am and they think how “Happy” I looked in those photos I was tagged in… and how “Perfect” my life seemed. But little did they know, .. how that time I was actually anxious, stressed and burnt out. We paint the picture we want to show the world of how “good” our life seems… but it actually does more harm than good. People think we are fine, when we really aren’t.

In order to be more true to myself and to actually see how people are, instead of assuming…I stopped my use of those social networking websites that promote showing off the good side your life. Obviously, there are great benefits of these social networking sites and they are not “evil” or “bad” to use, but when we start comparing our lives to others on a daily basis and get upset, isn’t it time to give it a break and just start living your own life? That’s my own choice anyways…

My key take home message is..

Just live your own life in your own timeline and don’t worry about what anybody else is doing.

Leave the world in a better place than you found it

I read this sentence a farewell letter by a leaving University President- he said “I am glad I am leaving the University in a better state that I found it in”.

I have been meditating on these words and thinking how this could apply to all of us…in every situation… a goal that we could all strive for.

Can we challenge ourselves to leave the world that we live in, in a better state than we found it?

I certainly am up to this challenge…for example, in my work places…if I see problems, hazards, bullying,  and things that I could see can be improved, I do my best to try improve/do something about it.

I wasn’t always like this though, I used to think that things get better because it was other people’s responsibility to make it better.

I taught myself from a young age that I wasn’t a leader, I was just a mere follower. I never put my hand up to be an Student Representative or on any student boards, because I didn’t care enough about others. I expected things to come handed to me on a silver platter and wanted other people to do the hard work, the rallying, the change and take action.

I’ve slowly realised, even if you see yourself as a mere follower,  you are still a leader in your own way. Whether it is your influence on family, friends or colleagues around you, you still have influence. You don’t need to be the president of the United States of America or head of the student council to be someone that people want to follow.
Even when you train up a new employee or help someone, you are showing love, leadership and leading by example.  You can change the world in all different ways, whether its by recycling, finding ways to use solar power, saving water or cleaning up the environment…we can all do our bit, small and large. ..

I think I have gone slightly off tangent… BUT I hope you will join me in this journey of life, to not make it a selfish one, but one where we can leave this world in a slightly better place than we found it. 

50 Shades of Grey… thinking

Sometimes we tell ourselves things have to be a certain way or we won’t be and can’t be happy. People with OCD will understand what I mean…

This is an extremely unhealthy and unproductive way to think.

We tell ourselves things like,  “If only I get that job or promotion, then I will be happy” , “If only that girl/guy liked me then I could be happy“…If only …[insert desire thing here]…then I would be happy…:(

How long is your “happy” feeling going to last anyway?

We are basically just setting ourselves up for failure…with the thinking that we wont ever be “happy” until something we desire happens…Does that mean we are just going to be “unhappy” until we get that thing?

Why do people desire this temporary feeling of happiness? It is such a fleeting, fickle moment in time that simmers down and disappears in a matter of hours, days or maybe if we are lucky weeks.

As I think they say in physics, that if something goes up, then it must also come down.

After we get desired happiness, we are at a limbo…are we happy now? Are we content? Probably not…you probably already found something else to crave for/desire…

Having black and white thinking about our dreams, goals and ambitions is not a good thing..instead we should thinking of them as shades of grays.

Yes, it is good to have these dreams, goals and ambitions, but we shouldn’t let these things determine whether we are happy people. How about we aim for that goal, but if we don’t reach it we can still be content that we are not where we used to be?

Just because that job that you got didn’t turn out to be what you thought it would be, the relationship that you were so sure would end in marriage; ended breaking up, even if you took an entrance exam three times and failed every time…. it doesn’t mean that you failed… it doesn’t mean you cannot be happy now. 

Hey, be content. You have not reached your destination yet, but why not enjoy the journey? Who knows, you may even find a different path that is even greater than the one you had pictured for yourself.  Things don’t have to be black and white, they can be grey. Be kind to yourself,  give yourself permission to be happy now…enjoy the journey, because this journey is life long.

Happiness doesn’t fall upon you. It’s something that you actively have to choose to be, strive for, and work for. It is being aware that everything isn’t great now, but that you can be still content with where you are and know that you are going somewhere among the storm we call life. 

Try live life with a bit of grey in it.

Dating Apps In Real Life

How crazy/convenient would it be if dating apps were utilised in the everyday world?

Imagine you pass by someone attractive, you have no idea whether they think you are attractive as well… You want to know them better, but you aren’t sure if they are interested as well… You want to say hi, but you are afraid that they will think you are a creep!

How do you even know they are single and looking to mingle?

Well, a dating app -(sorta) help with that!

Imagine walking by someone attractive and being able to press a smiley button or swipe them right?

Imagine you guys sent each other smiles- next you are able to start a conversation without feeling it is creepy….!

How much easier would it be, or harder if the interactions we used online were to apply online…would we understand each other’s behaviours and emotions better?

If we could dislike something someone said…so that they don’t have to guess our opinion on a matter?

Would the world be a more straightforward place with people where people’s thoughts would come to life into real actions?

I don’t know, what are your thoughts?