Depression

Where the world is all colours of grey, black, lacking colour.

Everything is bleak, mundane, routine, and boring.

Everyone else seems to be happy, colourful, blissful, it hurts my eyes to see.

Socialising is too hard, requires too much effort , too much energy.

You feel like you are being swallowed up in darkness and you can see no way out. How did you even get yourself here?

You feel trapped and see no way out, you can’t find a way out :(.

You forgot how to smile, how to life, how to enjoy the small things.

Embrace Loneliness

I believe you have to embrace being alone. It’s so true how you can be around people, yet feel so alone and isolated.

And when you are alone, you can feel like no one in the world cares about you, if you suddenly disappeared without a trace. If something happened to you, no one would notice, because you are all alone.

Yet, the sounds of people talking too loudly about things you don’t care about, can make you wish for peace and quiet.

So in the moment, appreciate you are alone. You don’t have to make small talk, you don’t have to ask how their day was. Just relax knowing you can eat when you want, sleep when you want, go out and do something you want to on your own. No need to consult with anyone else or what they think. Life is freedom to do whatever you want.

Yet sometimes, society makes you feel bad for being alone. Life and society wasn’t designed for people who are alone. It’s like the loners are shunned in the world.

Road Kill

100 km/h road..

I swear I was going only 80 km/h

Nevertheless it was still too fast, too furious, I was too slow

All I saw was huge eyes shocked to see my headlights coming

I thought I had fast reflexes, but I thought run

A sickening crunch, the car rattled, and shook

Is he dead? I am not sure, there’s no way to stop

I took a life today.

I am a murderer..

I am guilty.

And I am going to go slower now

I am so sorry

RIP

All the Reminders of the Memories

Now that you are gone, all I have left is fragments of moments in times that are embedded into my memory.

There are so many triggers to the reminiscing that takes place.. It can be a smell, a song, an image, a place.. everything reminds me of you

It’s like the world doesn’t want me to forget you, but I NEED to forget you. How can I move on when I am constantly living in the past?

I hope these feelings of sadness will not last.

Did the bed always feel so cold? Was food always so tasteless? Was life always this mundane?

You lighted up my bleak world with colour, flashing lights, and bells… but now it is quiet once again.

I can only move on when I make fresh memories, try new places, meet more people.

Does a place exist where nothing reminds me of you?

If it’s too good to be true, it probably is fake

In the moment, you feel like everything is but a dream.. it feels too good to be true

You don’t want to wake up from your dream

Entranced by the surreality of the the life you live in

Chasing the end of the rainbows, seeking the treasures that you find

Heads in the clouds, hearts flying with the birds in the sky

When everything ends, you know you proved yourself right

It was really too good to be true. 💭

Winter Wonderings

Winter started off so wonderful, a new flame to provide warmth and shelter

Everything seemed bring and new

It was a first for everything and every moment was magical

But with every delicate flower that blossomed within that new budding love

…There was a risk for it to be crushed

It cannot withstand the howling wind, rain, and storms that it brought

With that the glimmer of warmth of winter was gone .. and once again…

The nights feel cold once again, and once again you realise you are truly, truly, all alone

Life is like a box of setbacks

Each time I feel like I have finally taken a step forward, I make the same mistake and end up 10 steps back to where I started. With each set back, the pain grows, yet I am starting to feel numb inside…Making the same mistake again and again, it frustrates me that I haven’t learnt my lesson. I feel frustrated in myself. Angry. Sad. Why can’t they just cut me some slack? Why do I always feel like I get the harshest critics watching over me like a hawk with no mercy?

I sound like I am asking to be pitied and I guess in a way I am. I am pitiful in my plight to get it easy. Nothing was ever given to me on a plate. I’ve always had to work so, freaking hard for everything that I have ever put my hand to.

I don’t know why I am complaining, but I just want to let the world know how I felt..

I felt a bit down after work today after another set back on my 100 items competency…I had made it to 82 last Friday and I had my fingers and toes crossed that today would be THE DAY that I reached 100 items and get to be fully fledged as the pharmacist I already am and being able to focus on more important things I need to do. I wonder if my lack of concentration is due to my anxiety to finish this as soon as possible, the lack of iron, or the restless sleep I have.

One day, I hope I. will look back and say, ” I am glad you didn’t give up otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are now”.

Until then, I say to myself, “Just keep swimming”. (Said in Dory’s voice xD)

Grief

Somebody once said something along the lines of, “It is better to have loved and lost, rather have never loved”. I believe strongly in this statement, as we would never have realised how much someone or something meant to us until it is gone. This post will examine a few different aspects of the subject of grief.

I still remember the first time I experienced grief and loss. I was in the week before my final exams in my last year of high school and I was just about to attend a maths tutorial class when I got the phone call. My mother had found my dog, ‘Coffee’ lying on the ground and vomiting in the morning. They rushed to take him to the emergency vet and hopefully they would be able to save him. A few hours later, after the class had finished, I received a text message…Coffee had to be put down, the snail poison he had accidentally ingested had gone throughout his whole body, and there was nothing they could do about it. I took the bus home, and while walking towards my home…the reality became clearer and clearer…he was gone…he really was gone… There would be no one waiting for me when I get home…no one to accompany me on my walks around the neighbourhood…no one to hug and talk to. As I walked into the backyard where his body lay in a box, I broke down in tears and overwhelming sadness washed over me. I didn’t know what true grief was until that day…so many feelings washed over me…Regret. Why hadn’t I gone with them to the vet? I could have caught a taxi…who cares about how much it costs? Money cannot turn back time. Why did I care so much about attending some stupid course that probably won’t be beneficial at all…especially since all I could think of was of Coffee during that time. I questioned myself, did I ever get to say ” I love you” to my dog and appreciate him for all he did for me? All the times we spent together…my first-ever best-friend.

In saying that, after the passing of my beloved dog, who had been part of my family for over a decade of my life…I did fall into some sort of depression, (not that I knew what that was back then)…I did not feel like studying, could not concentrate on whatever I did, and I would tear up when the feelings of grief became so strong that it overwhelmed me. Even now, writing this blog makes me relive those feelings of sadness to me. Grief makes you afraid to love again, because the fear of losing a loved one again is one that is hard to forget, no matter how hard you try.

Grief is a powerful and overwhelming feeling, it is not pleasant, but it is somehow necessary to teach us to appreciate what we have. It is an inevitable part of life, unfortunately. However, prolonged grief can, unfortunately, lead to mental illnesses like depression.

 

 

Can you remember the first time you felt grief?


 

Experience?

I woke up today and I was working on writing a job application for a senior pharmacist position…and as I was thinking of all the different pharmacies I have worked and all the different roles I have had…and realised I am an experienced pharmacist…even though I don’t think I am… I have achieved much and experienced much… I don’t know everything, but I know something.

Applying for jobs is about selling yourself, your knowledge, and your experiences. Some talent in writing is needed here…you want to make it seem like you have done more and learnt more than you probably have…if you undersell yourself, you won’t even get a chance to progress from paper to in-person interview.  That reminds me, I have another interview this coming week… It is part of the same company I am currently in..but a different branch…further away from my house… but hey, stability in finances comes with a cost. I love my job now, but having short contracts constantly and not knowing if I have a job next year is scary…and I need to do my best to grab whatever opportunities there are… Otherwise, I won’t be able to save up for my house :(.

I feel really lucky now…Even though at times it’s frustrating…scary… tiring.. and exhausting. I think there will come a time where I will look back, and say I can’t believe I made it that far…by working so hard! You reap what you sow and if you worked hard…your efforts will pay off.

Going to a house inspection later today…I finally have a day off! So I might as well use my time wisely.

In other news, yesterday I heard from a colleague that another colleague had suddenly passed away..No one knows why. They were young. Lot’s of potential and a funny person. They will surely be missed. But it reminded me greatly about the uncertainty of life and the experiences we have interacting with each other…If you treat someone badly, and then they pass away, there is no opportunity to say sorry or to forgive them.

So think again, do you want to live a life of regret? Treat people the best that you can.

I honestly rather that people treat me bad, then I treat someone bad.

Random Rants: Regrets

Just got hit by a wave of regret today…

You know that feeling how you think you have it bad…but then you lose someone or something that had always been by your side and you regret taking them/that thing for granted? It could be a relationship, a beloved piece of clothing, or a job.

Maybe your mind might play tricks on you by making it seem better than it was, you remember all the good times and things that that they/it gave to you, but you forgot the way the relationship didn’t work, the item was not working as well as it once did, or the reasons why you left that job in the first place.

Alas, every end of something great can only open the door for things that are even greater.

You will meet someone or encounter something new that will blow your mind away… I guess in order to make room and time for something new, the old has to pass by.

But, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to mourn for what you once had and lost. You don’t need to ‘cheer up’ or ‘look on the brighter side of things’…Because otherwise, you miss out on learning more valuable lessons.

Lessons about learning to take care of things more properly in the future, of not taking relationships or people for granted, and treasuring what is important to you most.

So, take your time, feel the regret, sadness, and loneliness. Embrace it. Fully. Let it do all it wants to. And then, embrace the next new thing.

 

 


 

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