When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.
Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.
It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..
Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?
I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows
I woke up today and I was working on writing a job application for a senior pharmacist position…and as I was thinking of all the different pharmacies I have worked and all the different roles I have had…and realised I am an experienced pharmacist…even though I don’t think I am… I have achieved much and experienced much… I don’t know everything, but I know something.
Applying for jobs is about selling yourself, your knowledge, and your experiences. Some talent in writing is needed here…you want to make it seem like you have done more and learnt more than you probably have…if you undersell yourself, you won’t even get a chance to progress from paper to in-person interview. That reminds me, I have another interview this coming week… It is part of the same company I am currently in..but a different branch…further away from my house… but hey, stability in finances comes with a cost. I love my job now, but having short contracts constantly and not knowing if I have a job next year is scary…and I need to do my best to grab whatever opportunities there are… Otherwise, I won’t be able to save up for my house :(.
I feel really lucky now…Even though at times it’s frustrating…scary… tiring.. and exhausting. I think there will come a time where I will look back, and say I can’t believe I made it that far…by working so hard! You reap what you sow and if you worked hard…your efforts will pay off.
Going to a house inspection later today…I finally have a day off! So I might as well use my time wisely.
In other news, yesterday I heard from a colleague that another colleague had suddenly passed away..No one knows why. They were young. Lot’s of potential and a funny person. They will surely be missed. But it reminded me greatly about the uncertainty of life and the experiences we have interacting with each other…If you treat someone badly, and then they pass away, there is no opportunity to say sorry or to forgive them.
So think again, do you want to live a life of regret? Treat people the best that you can.
I honestly rather that people treat me bad, then I treat someone bad.
Do you ever have times .. usually at the middle of the night.. when you are trying to sleep because you have work or a flight early tmoro morning… and you cannot sleep.. because you keep ruminating over something again and again… so much so that the story becomes twisted and strays from the original. Your emotions, feelings, and thoughts taint your memory of what really happened…
The story becomes what you want it to be instead. A fragment of the truth, but what is the truth? Each person will tell it in a slightly different way. Just look at the bible, in the New Testament there are several books written about the same event but by different people.
Alas, this late night post to try to get off my mind what has been weighing on my mind for the last few weeks. I think, I need closure, I have to settle things, for once and hopefully for all.
So I had a discussion with a colleague earlier this week about how this particular person always wears suits to work… I have never seen him not wearing a suit to work…It doesn’t matter how hot, or cold it is…you will always find him wearing a suit.
Out of curiosity, I asked “Do you always wear a suit when out?” and he said, “Yes, I never leave my house without wearing a suit”. I was like “but WHYYY??” and he said, “It makes him feel good” (Or at least I think he said something like that)… I found that to be pretty incredible/admirable! That must take a lot of time and effort to make sure the suit is ironed, not dirty and that everything matches… But then I thought to myself…girls also put an incredible amount of time in order to prepare to go out…I know some people NEVER leave the house without a face full of makeup…does not matter how far, how long, or how close they are going…who they are seeing…nope ALWAYS have to make up on. I put it down to perhaps how confident we feel about how we look…some people rarely/never wear makeup because they are confident in how they look and don’t care about how others will judge them…
I am not one of them sadly…most days I spend at least half an hour (if I get up in time) to straighten my naturally messy hair..covering up my imperfections on my skin and making sure my clothes look neat…but yeah sadly I did not do that today…and I legit look like a hobo ..when I finally looked at myself in the mirror… 😦 I woke up late and was running late to get to somewhere…and yeah I feel so self-conscious…like is everyone looking at me ?? ? …I guess if trying to look good makes us feel more confident, secure…then why not?
Comparisons. Unfortunately, we all do it. Whether or not its intentional or it just happens. It’s hard to avoid, but it can be toxic as.
We compare ourselves in an attempt for us to supposedly feel better.
At least I am not as evil as her!
At least I didn’t make the same mistake as them
At least I am better than them.
We also do it to make ourselves worse…
Why wasn’t I chosen for the new position? I thought I was as good as they were.
Ifonly I was taller, smarter, prettier, richer, popular… as them
How come they get that and I don’t…I wish I was more like them.
Not great examples..but I hope you get my point. In a round about way, and as most motivational self-help hippy guidebooks would probably say…
Just compare yourself to who you were before.
But I mean it doesn’t always work…What if you were fatter now than before? What if you were pretty and then something happened and you aren’t considered pretty anymore?
I am not even sure what this post was even supposed to be about. Some sort of ramble about comparing yourself to others being bad. I think we should try avoid it as much as we can. Just sort of see it as, oh okay…I didn’t get the promotion…maybe I am meant to do something else…or perhaps it’s a sign I should look for a new job…if they seem to be overlooking me… I am determined to finish this post on a slightly positive note…
If one door closes, then another is probably about to open…we just have to stop focusing on the closed door…and realise it may have have to be closed to open the way for new opportunities.
I’ve been reflecting upon the difference in thinking of when I was child and in comparison to now (I was about to say when I was an adult…–..–“)
I am going to put my thoughts on what a kid Joy might have thought and what an adult Joy might think.
On finding their ideal partner:
KID : I want to fall in love with a tall, handsome, rich blonde eye blue eye man with a six pack. He will also have a golden retriever and possibly be a prince.
ADULT: I just want to find someone who will accept me for who I am and how I look and act. That accepts the way I look like slob that I am at home and when I have no make up on…
KID : I wanna look like an adult…I wanna make my skin super white and cover up every blemish..! I wanna do eyeliner to make me look older…fake lashes..permed hair and red lipstick..high heels…
ADULT: OH GAWD I need to buy this expensive as MAC primer, blue and BB cream to make my face look like it has no make up…! Actually, stuff this…rather just be insecure about myself, how about I just learn to love and accept myself for who I am and stop wanting an ideal version of me that I will never assatain?
On Fast FOOD:
KID : Mum said I can have Maccas if I don’t cry when I get my flu vaccination! I can’t wait..it’s sooo rare we get maccas! I am so excited. Filet-o-fish here we come!!
ADULT: OH GAWD this is the 3rd time I’ve been to maccas this week..! #$#$ I wish I had time to eat better food..?!?! Why does maccas have to be the closest restaurant to work?!?! Time to diet T_T
KID : OMG I WANT A DOG PLZ CAN I HAVE A DOG PLZ . I promise to take it on walks everyday and pick up all its sheet!
ADULT: OMG I want a dog. BUT I don’t have the time to look after the dog at the moment. I want to be a responsible dog owner. T_T
KID : I CAN’T WAIT TILL I TURN 16 and get my Ls! OMG I can finally drive! I am going to go out everyday and party! Finally I will be come a social butterfly and be the most popular girl in my friendship group! I am going to pick up all my friends in my mums car..ohohoho
ADULT: FML . I don’t wanna drive in this #$#$ heavy peak hour traffic. SIGH why didn’t I catch a bus? Why can’t someone drive me? Why do I have to pick up ______ again? DAMMIT this car… OH SHEET petrol is so expensive again..FML this car is so expensive to maintain…OH WAIT rego is due again..there goes another $760…and oh no service next month..$400++ oh sigh. Why is it so expensive to keep a car? I rather a dog instead. lols. woof.
KID : NOOooo I don’t wanna go shopping with you mum its soo boring…@@
ADULT: Oh gawd…I can’t stop buying things on eBay.com and amazon…HOW DID I SPEND SO MUCH MONEY?!?!?!
KID : NOoooooo I don’t wanna sleep! Its only 9pm!!!!!!! I wanna stay up and read my book…I wanna talk with my friends..I wanna…eat….
ADULT: I am so sleep deprived. I just want a day to do nothing but sleep.
FML I only get 5 hours of sleep if I sleep straight away..! SIGH why do I have to get up so early for work everyday. I am so tired…all the time..I am addicted to caffeine.
and last but not least…
KID : I can’t WAIT TO GET A JOB and earn money! Then I won’t have to rely on the merger amount of money that I get free from my parents! I CAN’T WAIT TO BECOME AN ADULT…
ADULT: FML . I wanna quit my job. it’s too stressful, it wasn’t what I imagined it would be, the other staff are bullies, the pay sucks, the patients suck, my hours suck, my life sucks. I am depressed. OH GOD I NEED A HOLIDAY. STAT. Why does working life suck so much? Why does being an adult suck so much …can I be a kid again?
OH lol this isn’t all true! Just for lols…hahah I was just thinking…about how much we change huh? If we think about who we used to be as kids and who we are now, would we tell ourselves? It’s like we are two completely different people that have existed.
Is there anything that you’ve noticed that has changed in your perception of life from when you were a kid and has changed now that you are an adult? If you want to, please leave your comments on those things below!
Joy to the World~
Time to get that 5.3 hours 13 minutes and 2 seconds of sleep….
Letting people down can be extremely hard for those with low self-confidence…this is my story
Continuing in the same mindset as my last post…I want to reiterate the fact that kindness is not a weakness…it is something that makes the world go round …but it comes to a point that..,you have to decide..that you have had enough. And it is time to stop people walking all over you. Whether you speak up in words, actions or in plans…just step up.
Essentially we have to let people down. Because if we always say yes. Then of course they will continue to walk all over you, why? because you are basically grovelling at their feet.
I hate it when people say the words, “But XXX always does it this”. Well, la-di-da that;s them and I am me. I do things my way.
At the work place I do some locus work for, the clients are so used to getting a chewing gum after each dose that they receive… this chewing gum is not provided by the clinic but is something the normal pharmacist provides out of her own pocket. She is awesome right? But when she goes on leave for 3 weeks, does that mean I have to also follow her actions and buy gum for her? She was spoiling them….she would have had to go through at least 3 packets of gums/DAY for all their clients and their kids…
I know the pharmacist there always said yes to everything the nurses and doctors asked of her..even when she had shut down the computer and locked everything away…but is that what I have to do?
Well, to be honest I did…I did it for how many weeks, months ? at the other locations..I would stat well over 2 hours past the time I got paid to..
Then I remember a friend saying, when they do over time..without getting paid…it is like slavery.. modern day slavery…or volunteer work. I don’t understand how people, who know that you finish at 12…you stopped getting paid at 12…expect you to stick around…just so that they have less work to do…they don’t even ask if you are leaving…they present to you new clients at 12:15 and expect you to dose them..? Really?
Will you pay me out of your own pocket?
I am not trying to sound ungrateful or not be a team player. I just don’t understand how someone can make me feel so bad for actually leaving on time (even 10 minutes after finish time)…for the first time in forever?
Why did you make me feel so guilty and act like that? I am sorry if you didn’t tell me to prepare a late dose…am I supposed to wait around until things happen and then I get to leave? After12, it is your responsibility to dose…you know the times…just coz the previous pharmacist was too nice and lenient..doesn’t mean I have to be ..
Anyways, awkwardly I left. Glad that I am not planning to go back soon. I drive 1.5 hours a day to get there for a lousy three hour shift. It is so freaking hot these days too. I am grateful that I get to meet up a good friend from uni there for lunch every now and then…I am also able to visit the Elizabeth crew there as well…the shopping is great. But if you asked me to cover there again, no thank you. In terms of my own mental health, drowsiness from the drive and waste of petrol..and work place issues..no thank you. I am good.
I am finally deciding for myself that I can no longer do seven days a week on end. I am just so tired…headaches ..migraines…why try chase more money?
To be honest, the more money I seem to earn./..the more I spend and hence this viscous cycle…I am going to earn less next month, but save more…I will have to budget better, eat at home more , meal prep and think about what I spend my money on more carefully. Because I really can’t afford to collapse or crash my car out of tiredness and lethargy.
I know I push myself too far..and too much…I hate letting people down..it just eats away my soul…and bothers me so much I have to blog about it!
but, I have to start somewhere and today I let down that nurse and that doctor, and yes they may hate me. but, I hope they also learn to respect that my time is valuable as well and that I am not just someone to be trampled and walked on.
At the gym I go to, they were still open 24/7 over the Christmas/New Period but they stopped running the live classes…
This was a real struggle for me … as I force myself o go to the gym for those classes… so I really had no incentive to go…so I went like once a week.. and that’s mainly coz I am cheap and I hated seeing my membership fees being deducted from my bank account and realising they are getting free money…
Anyways, what I am trying to say is… I normally do not do weights and cardio work out by myself… I am someone highly motivated by having people around me working hard…hence love those classes…!
So I went to the gym twice over the holiday period.. On the first visit..I went on the treadmill… I was like .. hmmm this sure looks like a good way to get my 10,000 steps on my fitbit..!! So I started off slow 4.5km/hour speed.. up to 8.0km/h (not fast I know)… did that for about a minute or so (seriously out of breath…unfit 😦 ) and them took a bit of a break by slowing down to 4.5 km/h just to get recover my breath… coz tired..!! I did this for 20minutes… and was super tired.. I managed to do 2km distance in that 20minutes! Not bad..? For me 😂
On the second visit.. I was feeling really lethargic of late ( prob due to iron deficiency).. and I decided I wouldn’t do those speed intervals because the sprinting really takes the wind out of me… but I also hate walking really slow on the treadmill😭 I am a pretty fast walker…probably due to the fact I work in a lot of faced-paced environments where I cannot walk slow :(.. so I set it at a constant speed of 6.5km/hour.. so mid way between what I did in my first visit…
And it was great .. I didn’t have to constantly look at the little time and have to keep changing the speeds on the right up and down.. and I didn’t feel as exhausted and worn out at the end of 10 minutes.. And I did the same…! At the end .. I got the same result. 1km/10 minutes essentially!
But this way.. was better..easier and didn’t tire me out…
it was interesting how I feel like that can relate to me and how I have been living my life… I go through periods of extreme stress .. leading to anxiety, depression and mental breakdowns…to a point where I can’t take it amy more.. then I am forced to rest… my body shuts down in sickness .. and thats when I recover.. start to remember my health and my sanity again…
The reason why I’ve been working so hard for the last six months with no break (literally working 7 days a week for I am not sure how many weeks it is now)… is because I felt I was so behind in life… in comparison to my friends… those my age are getting married, have moved overseas to work… buying houses.. doing all this exciting stuff and what I feel is “adult” stuff.. and there was me… who blew my savings recklessly on an expensive holiday overseas… and on some scam medicine entrance exam course….I felt I needed to catchup by working myself to almost death -? Because I am so tired all the time, worn out… burnt out… sick so often and can’t even relax…get irritable… can’t eat properly.. don’t have time or energy to see friends…
I am asking myself..? Why do I meed to do all this sprinting to try catch up to everyone else? I am just going o get exhausted and need a really good rest-where I might have to stop work altogether for s break… because if I am constant with myself.. mot too much.. not too little.., I can reach that end goal without over exerting myself.. and still enjoy a good work out that is life…
Thanks for reading my weird analogies o life.. i literally wrote this at 4am because I woke up with blood running down my face from my nose… oops
How many times did you say “Merry Christmas” to the people around you this year? Online, on cards and God forbid maybe IN PERSON. For the majority of the year we rarely seem to use the word Merry and then suddenly bam December hits us and we using that word like no tomorrow.
According to google, merry means ..
cheerful and lively.
“the streets were dense with merry throngs of students”
cheerful, cheery, in good spirits, high-spirited, blithe, bright, sunny, light-hearted, buoyant, bubbly, lively, carefree, without a care in the world, joyful, joyous, rejoicing, jolly, jocund, convivial, festive, mirthful, gleeful, happy, glad, laughing;
Well I ain’t the Grinch, but excuse me, why must we Cheerful and lively during this season?
Are we not allowed to be sick, sad and lonely during this time?
I bet you, there are people who hate Christmas…not only the grinch…but others. This time can represent a time where they realise they are alone, just like how singles hate Valentines day -because it is a remember that they are alone. Christmas is a bit worse, because it is a public holiday, there is nothing to do. Where you still have to work on Valentines Day, Christmas is like…is like the worst time to be alone… People ask you what your plans are? What are you going to do? Did you buy your presents yet?
…What is you don’t have family? Or friends? Or anyone to spend Christmas with?
What if you cannot afford to buy any gifts for those around you? You can’t afford to have a feast..because heck you don’t even have a place to stay.
Christmas is not always a Happy time.
It is more like a temporary fix.. where you can pretend all is well, but it actually isn’t.
So sorry for not spreading Christmas cheer this season, but spreading awareness…It ain’t always jolly good.
On a side note, I liken Christmas to be the birthday of Jesus..however often we forget to invite the birthday boy to our parties…so we hold empty parties , celebrating the birthday of someone who isn’t even present. We forgot to invite the main attraction.
Hope your Christmas was good, but if it wasn’t, that is okay too 🙂
If a tree fell down and no one was around to see it, did it make a sound?
+I am not sure if I got that quote right, but the point that I am trying to make is…if there were no others around us to define beauty, would there be someone to decide whether something is beautiful or ugly?
Or is it a society created construct that is totally subjective. Who defined that a face lacking pimples, scars, birthmarks or deformed teeth is ugly?
Who said that a women with large breasts and a nice butt is sexy?
Why must guys have six packs instead of one backs to be hot?
What has society come to that we are all obsessed with our bodies?
There are plastic surgeons, orthodontists, stylists, make up artists, personal trainers and diet experts to all give us tips to make our body the best it could be possibly; according to standards set by society.
I am not saying these things are bad in itself…
I myself never smiled as a kid, because I hated how crooked my teeth was. I was so self-conscious about my teeth-I was adamant that no one would like me or think I was pretty because of my ugly teeth. So my parents invested a lot of money to set my teeth straight and gave me a smile.
In a way, these procedures for cosmetic procedure are costly, time-consuming and often painful. Having spent four years of my life with metal train tracks on my teeth, countless nights of pain after tightening of braces and soooo many mouth ulcers from the sharp wire that I swear the the evil orthodontist left there on purpose to punish me for being late to all my appointments.
Four years and $6000 for a smile? I still have a wire behind my teeth and I had to go back every year for orthodontic reviews (which I have avoided this year-since I’ve been not wearing my retainers). There are the retainers that you need to wear at night and occasionally get new ones to be made.
There was the psychological pain of it all..being self-conscious of pieces of food that are displayed for people to see…and the chewing gum that you weren’t supposed to have ..getting stuck.
ANYWAYS, what was I trying to say?
Yes, society, especially the female species…seem to spend a great deal of time on trying to make themselves look more beautiful by the standards of this world. Perfect smile, shiny hair, blemish free skin -if this is not possible-a heavily caked face, a skinny body and a nice ass and maybe some push up bra or…if they have money breast implants.
Why are we so obsessed with beauty? Why do we all judge each other on people’s looks?
I am guilty of this as well…is it something innate within us that associates beauty with other good traits like, manners, kindness…I don’t know.
I can’t seem to understand it… but isn’t it all subjective? Then how can we agree that a certain poster, singer or actor is beautiful and others aren’t?
Does love actually exist? Or are we just ensured and trapped by the fleeting beauty of the other? When it fade, we just stay with them anyways?
Does anyone like someone else for themselves and without caring about how they look like?
I remember watching a Korean youtube video of two couples that had literally a blind date.
They had a cloth between them when they met, so they were forced to learn about each other without seeing each other. What are your thoughts on this?
They were forced to get to know each other and not judge each other on how they looked.
If only interviews, jobs and real life was like this.
Who said those that aren’t considered beautiful in this world are not the super stars and idols in other worlds?
Perhaps those considered beautiful in this day and age, in the alternative universe was those who are looked down upon, frowned up and ostracised because their skin lacks pimples, because they are too SKINNY, because they are TOO FIT, because their hair is TOO shiny and not messy enough.
Anyway, that is my rant about beauty and how superficial it all is.
In our old age, does beauty even matter anymore?
How about we become deep people instead of shallow?
As someone that was brought up being taught ..sinning is bad! You will go to hell=…if you lie! If you look at someone lustfully ..You’ve already committed adultery! If you speak bad about one person..you are going to be in hell. No swearing..no rebelling. Live your life as if you were for Christ. etc etc.
I was shit scared to sin. I refrained myself from swearing, though I would swear in my head. I would pretend I was an angel, when I was not behind closed doors. I was busy putting on a mask, a face that said everything is good, everything is fine. I didn’t even realise what a lie my life had become.
Why do we lie?
Is it because facing reality is just too damn hard?
If we face reality, we realise that life is so damn unpredictable.
Maybe we unintentionally lie. We say things we don’t mean. We aim to be polite.
In the heat of the moment, two lovers promise each other that they will love the other forever.
One year later, one finds out the other lied. Because they left them. All alone.
People are fickle. Whether we intentionally lie with a purpose or not even being aware of it.
Humans were born as liars. No one taught us how to lie. It is our innate nature to deceive and perhaps it was due to evolution.
Maybe, telling a lie has saved someones life in the past and hence humans have evolutionalised to become the liars that they are today,
Look at our world leaders, politicians, famous actors or singers. They all have made and told great lies and deceived many.
sorry for the long hiatus.. I’ll be a bit more freer for the next two months, until the exam results come out and then which I will start the cycle all over again and prepare for the next exam in March 2019. Persistence and resilience or is it stupidity and foolishness? It’s not clear any more.
Anyways, hope you guys have been well.
Today I would like to discuss why it is so hard to discuss Mental Health…There is more “awareness” of it, but I feel very much so, people are still hiding it and are still afraid. Just like how the homosexuals are more welcome, many still hide their sexual preferences for fear of stigma. People with mental health issues want to pretend that they are normal, they fear people will treat them differently if they disclose…or that they will be afraid/mean or spread rumours.
People can be so mean and cruel, by the things they say intentionally or unintentionally.
To be honest, things like “Mental Health Awareness Month” or “RU OK” days…to me its just “Going through the actions” …no one is going to disclose to you their hidden secret of 10 years of struggling with suicidal thoughts, just coz u asked them if they “R OKAY?”
I suspect the real answer they would give. “Yeah I am fine.” – Hiding, because it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit to someone you are struggling and even more to admit you need help.
I believe through developing our existing relationships better to facilitate more open relationships will instead help build a more caring environment around us so that less people will feel so isolated and alone.
From experience, once someone opens up to you or you to them, you will realise that so many of the things you fear, experience and have gone through, is more common than you think. Your brain tells you, YOU are the only one going through this trial and that NOONE else understands, BUT the truth is, if you reach out, you will find others who DO understand. …
So why not give it a try?
If it’s hard to open up in person to those around you, I see no harm in posting in trusted mental health websites like Beyond Blue or Black Dog Institute. Even on the Mighty websites I have read so many articles that describe situations just like mine, I believe if you start realising that others have gone through, and managed things before you, their wealth of knowledge and experience can be a very valuable thing to have.
I believe most people don’t like going to work…getting up early when its cold outside? No thanks! But, for those with mental illnesses, it can be torture and takes all their strength and energy to get out of bed. A typical day for me in the past in a retail pharmacy job would be something like this…before I decided to finally get help…
The thought of making small talk with people you might not really like or know is tortuous. Thinking of who will be in the lunchroom with you during lunch time is daunting too. What if your boss asks to speak to you?
The struggle to leave the bed
Maybe you should just stay home today?? But, we can’t do that! That means explaining to your boss that you don’t feel week and that’s lying and what if they fire you? You can’t tell them you have a mental illness, they won’t care, they won’t understand, they will judge you and label you as crazy, they will think you are faking a sickie. No one is going to hire you. You worked so hard to find this job. You thought that you could join a place that is ‘against discrimination’, but we all know that the stigma still exists. It is safer to be quiet, to be silent and to fight the battle alone …for as long as you can.
You count the seconds that you can get home
But today, it’s different, the depression comes back…it’s always been there…but you have been fighting it. You are barely able to muster enough strength to go to work. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Counting down the hours, minutes and seconds till you are back in the comfort of your bed. Where you are safe, where no one can harm you, bully you and make you feel like you are nothing. You don’t know if you are overreacting or if it’s the depression.
Lying that you are Fine
On the off chance, someone might ask you how you are. “I am fine thanks. Just tired” That’s the best you can come with. If they ask “Why are you tired?” …”Oh, couldn’t sleep”…Due to my racing thoughts of suicide and anxiety. But you can’t say that, can you? They are being ‘nice’, but hey I am not going to unload to some stranger…Work really isn’t the place for that. I think. Please don’t look at me. I don’t want people to notice my sadness. I don’t want to be noticed, I just want to pretend everything is okay. I don’t think you really care.
You are not productive at work
You are surprised you haven’t broken down on the floor crying. You hold back the tears. You feel guilty…There are sicker people who come to get medicine for all sorts of terrible diseases, yet they are still smiling. Yet you, faking that smile, feel like you are dying inside. So many people are on anti-depressants, but I don’t want to get help…what is work finds out? I work full-time…there’s no time to go see a doctor or a psychologist. These things are bloody expensive as well! No one can help me. It’s just a phase…I will get better on my own. I can’t wait for the weekend so I can sleep through it.
I can’t deal with small issues
When something small doesn’t go to plan, I just can’t problem solve anymore. I feel like there’s no alternative, there is no way. I am going to get fired for not being able to solve this. I am afraid to ask someone for help, they are going to judge me and look at me like I am stupid. It’s all my fault…I don’t know how to fix this! Why am I so useless and dumb?
My memory becomes like mush
My brain is constantly fighting with itself, flight or fight. My heart is racing and I am sweating. So nervous… I forget things easily, wait how many boxes of Sertraline do I need to order again? Was it 2 or 4? What was the password again? Oh, I left my keys in the car again. Oh, I also left my phone at home…Why I am so forgetful? Why am I stupid…repeat above. Why do I feel like I am going to cry over this small thing?
I feel ugly and I hate my reflection
I can barely wake up in time to get to work, let alone care about how shi* I look. My hair is a mess, it’s too long, but I can’t bring myself to get a haircut. It’s too much effort. Who cares anyway? The makeup doesn’t even hide the eye bags due to the constant lack of sleep. I feel like I’ve grown older. I stare at the mirror… Who is that soulless person that stares back at me? I don’t even know her? Why does she look so sad? Why is she so ugly?
No one is going to like her.
I feel apathetic
The normal me, before I became severely depressed, was happy, outgoing and chatty. But when I started at this toxic workplace, I lost it all. I became someone who I didn’t know. I didn’t care about the patients that walked through the door, I couldn’t handle the rudeness with a smile anymore. I just froze and fought back tears. My resilience was gone. The terror of the increasing number of mistakes made the anxiety worse. It made me even slower and made people doubt my abilities even more. I get taunted by the bully, “You are too slow! Why are you so useless?” You don’t need to tell me, I already know.
The depression makes you stay where you are because it feels even scarier to change
Familiar is not always good. When you stay in a toxic situation, it’s like being in a room full of Carbon Monoxide, it will slowly kill you. The depression lies to you, the bullies lie to you, you can move. You are more than their taunts, you are more than what you think you are. But you don’t know this. You only find out when you leave the toxic place and realise, that a good workplace might exist.
Well, that’s all the blabber from me today.
I am sure there are benefits from working, income, kill time, learn things and make friends…That can be another post.
I took part in an experiment which measured the use of social media in a week, my randomised action was that I had to delete the Instagram app on my phone and not use it for a week. Though I was tempted a few times, I quickly asked my self, is it necessary to show the world where you are? What you are eating? Who you are with?
After some deliberation, I think not. So why do people like to post so many selfies of their face on Instagram?
I have to admit, I didn’t realise that I was so lonely, until I deleted a lot of my apps, Facebook, Whatsapp, Youtube, Instagram and realised this is the way we ‘communicate’ with some many people. It is what connects us? Yet, also tears us apart. Is there going to be anyone who wants to meet up with me to catch up instead of sending a message? Truly, I am not sure if the world is closer than before or even further away.
So many people are isolated and lonely…and they can sit in front of a computer or phone screen scrolling through the ‘happy’ snaps that their ‘friends’ are posting of their ‘family’, their ‘holiday’ or their latest ‘home’ that they bought. While I am not saying these things are bad, but do you know what you are doing? Are you trying to rub it into everyone else’s faces that you have it better than them? Are you even genuinely happy or do you just want attention?
As I said, I am full guilty of this…I am insecure, I want attention, I want to fool my self that my life is happier, more interesting and better than it is. I don’t want people to see me down, to see me sad or lonely, I feel like people would criticise me…belittle me.
Recently, I have realised that well-meaning ‘friends’ have offended me greatly. I read a quote today,
It is easier to forgive an enemy than forgive a friend.
It is true though…because we actually care what our friends say and when they make us feel like shit without knowing it, you ask yourself are they even your real friend? They don’t know the struggles you are doing through and are insensitive bitches. This is why I boycotted pretty much all social media. I feel like I am dead, like hardly anyone talks to me now, except family and a few selected friends overseas through Line and Wechat. When did our world become so involved in facebook? Instagram? Snap Chat? When we leave it, it’s like we are dead and forgotten in the world. When we meet someone new, we don’t ask for phone numbers or emails anymore, no we ask for Facebook accounts. SO what if I don’t have one? Are we not going to keep in touch?
It feels weird sending someone a text and them not replying and you not knowing if they have ‘seen it’…but what can we do?
Man, I am getting so hyped up typing this.
So…. back on topic…how do you isolate yourself from social media? Just delete your apps, log out, delete and deactivate your accounts. Hopefully, those that you are actually close to, will call your phone or send you a text.
Addiction to social media is draining, stupid, harmful and time-consuming. It can definitely lead to FOMO and low self-esteem. Live life how you want to live it and stop looking at what everyone else is doing. what happened to human interaction? When did we become part robots with phones attached to our hands?
This is one of the most used statements I have heard recently, what does it actually even mean to be yourself? What if you don’t even know who you truly are? That’s a scary thought and I think it is one that many ask themselves privately.
I grew up being a little odd and my mother often called me stubborn. Other girls made fun of my hair and people at church talked about me and my obsession with black clothes and fingernails. But, back when I was younger, I didn’t really care what others thought, I just wanted to be left alone and do things that I wanted to.
It is funny how, as I grew up, I became less of myself and more like those around me. I really look up to my sister and sometimes my mum…I always thought, why can’t I be more like them? They have lot’s of friends, they are always going out to parties and social gatherings, they know how to do makeup and style their hair etc…I don’t know how to do anything and I hate going out with people… So eventually, I tried to change my style, I tried being outgoing, I tried paying more attention to the way I looked and talked…
I kind of lost my self along the way, but then again did I even know who I was? When I liked black…okay obsessed with the colour black, was I trying to copy my favourite gothic Jrock band members and back then emo was cool..But who was I really? I didn’t have any knowledge of who I am. The reality is, that the concept of ‘ourselves’ is always changing and it should change as we grow wiser with age).
I am sure your parents have taught you not to do this and not to do that so that you fit in. At the same time, some parents (not mine), would also want their child to stand out from the crowd! In terms of grades, music and other achievements, they want their child to be the best and also fit in with their peers. It sounds like a recipe for conflicting values…Growing up sounds hard, can I stay a kid forever?
The purpose of this post is to help you realise (and myself) who you really are by identifying some morals and values that you stand by…
1. Take some to learn more about yourself
It sounds weird, but sometimes you might not know yourself as well as you think you do! Sometimes those closest around us are able to see us for who we are, better than we can. We may have distorted representations of ourselves, like an inflated ego or have low-esteem and see ourselves as we really aren’t. It definitely helps to have people around you to remind you of who you are and what you stand for. Maybe start with listing out the morals and values that you stand for and believe in, you can find these out by examining what you do in a week or day and get to know yourself.
2. Don’t compare yourself to other people
I believe the only time you should compare yourself to someone else, is when you are inspired to be more like them. You also shouldn’t compare yourself to others to feel good about yourself, what good does it make? Do you remember that quote by someone that said, “The only time you should look down on others is when you are helping them up?”…be that person who uplifts and encourages instead of pushing them down. Life is already hard enough, why make other people’s lives harder?
3. Don’t try to be friends with everyone
I know this sounds like it goes against the bible and such, but just because you aren’t friends, it doesn’t mean you hate them. You just don’t need to be friends with everyone! They can be acquaintances or people you know, no one said you had to be best friends. There are bound to be people in this world that just hate you or you just have this vibe that they are not good people…and it’s okay NOT to try to be friends them. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been trying not to be fake just to get along with people. I don’t think the effort is worth trying to be friends with everyone, coz no matter what I do, as Taylor Swift said…haters gonna hate. Let’s get Swifty!!!!!
4. Learn to say No Does this instruction sound familiar? I wrote a whole blog about this here and I will just reinforce a few points. If you feel like you are being forced to do something you don’t agree with, because everyone is- then you are not being true to your own morals and beliefs. You aren’t being true to yourself! Ask yourself, do these people really respect your autonomy to make a decision? You should remember you have a free-will and are able to say NO to things you don’t want to do, within reason of course…unfortunately we still have to pay tax and our bills *Tear*.
5. Don’t let being worried about what people will think to stop you from doing the things you are passionate about!
That was a long sentence…! Well, what I mean is, if you really want to learn hip-hop dancing classes, but everyone else if not interested and thinks it’s stupid and would rather do something else instead. DO you A. back out because you don’t want to be alone and do the other thing that they wanted instead. or B. Don’t give a sheet and just go to those hip-hop classes anyways!#SoloYOLO. I like that quote 😀 I used to feel like I needed people to do new things and go to places with me, now I just prefer it. I am still quite awkward when going to new places myself, no doubt…but I have been doing that and I have found it quite rewarding because I force myself to make new friends that I may not have it I had stuck to my own friends. So, don’t let fear stop you from doing those things you really want to! Take a step of faith and be all you can be! (Much easier said than done I know)…
That’s all from me, I hope you guys can work on knowing yourself more and being truer to yourself. No one likes fake people and no one should have to put on an act all the time, it is tiring and eventually, hat mask may slip. So why not be yourself today?