Embrace Loneliness

I believe you have to embrace being alone. It’s so true how you can be around people, yet feel so alone and isolated.

And when you are alone, you can feel like no one in the world cares about you, if you suddenly disappeared without a trace. If something happened to you, no one would notice, because you are all alone.

Yet, the sounds of people talking too loudly about things you don’t care about, can make you wish for peace and quiet.

So in the moment, appreciate you are alone. You don’t have to make small talk, you don’t have to ask how their day was. Just relax knowing you can eat when you want, sleep when you want, go out and do something you want to on your own. No need to consult with anyone else or what they think. Life is freedom to do whatever you want.

Yet sometimes, society makes you feel bad for being alone. Life and society wasn’t designed for people who are alone. It’s like the loners are shunned in the world.

Lock down lifting

Soooo restrictions are easy across metropolitan Melbourne since yesterday morning. But, I really honestly didn’t feel impact from it. I was home all day yesterday, bed ridden from a sudden wave of sickness. I reckon it had to be the sudden new working hours of the dreaded “Late Shift” week that I had. 11:30am-20:00 pm … so cold, and so dark when I finally finished working….

I fought the sickness for 2 days before succumbing to it and finally breaking down. There was no more juice, a full migraine broke out on top of the background sickness of congestion, cough, sore throat, and hot and cold chills. I actually planned to get covid swabbed, but was feeling way too sick to do so.

Life always has it’s ways of saying to you, it’s time to rest. Like, really! Stop pushing yourself and get well soon.

P.S. i am on annual leave from today, unfortunately I had to cancel my flights to Adelaide as Adelaide has closed its borders to me and I am unable to return home at this stage =\/(

Things I’ve done in Lockdown

During the lockdown, I saw other people start to bake, cook, or go on exercise hikes… for me I haven’t done much out of the ordinary…

1. I’ve continued working as usual, but put my hands up for some extra activities.

2. Got more unfit, but have been trying to get into home stretching and exercises.

3. Been studying up on Covid-19 and their vaccines as I have out my hand up to be interested in being involved with the vaccine preparation.

4. I’ve restarted posting in here.

When will this lockdown end? Who knows?

Shower thoughts #1

If you saw someone talking to themselves when no one is around, normally you would think they are a crazy, Psychotic, schizophrenic, delirious person.

However… thanks to the creation of podcasts, phones, and the internet.

Now you can talk to yourself all you want and no one will think you are crazy 🤪🤪😌😌.

Check out my podcast, link below.

Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

Day 2 Post Pfizer Covid Vaccine

It’s been about 36 hours after I received my first dose of the Pfizer Covid Vaccine. I have to say, I felt fine right after it.. no anaphylaxis, no pain, all was well. But progressively through out the day, the pain in my left arm (where I got it done), became more and more noticeable. Throughout the day, I began feeling more tired than usual and I was getting some difficulties breathing/coughing. I mean, I do have to say I have asthma and Hayfever, but I am not sure if it was due to the vaccine.. but I did notice this.

12 hours post vaccine I was noticing I was incredibly sleepy, tired, and fatigued, but at night I had RSVP’ed to badminton so I forced myself to go exercise, but the pain in my left arm was intense. I got home and couldn’t do much more, everything felt so hard and difficult to do.

I eventually got ready for bed, and that’s when I noticed the pain of my left arm, I could not sleep on my left side at all due to the pain

24 hours post vaccination, I woke up with a massive headache, almost like I was hungover or something… the whole body lethargic feeling was incredibly strong. I contemplated whether or not I should go to work, I was worried about falling asleep at the wheel or making mistakes at work. I decided i would call in sick and also let them know I had just received my first dose of the covid vaccine.

I was given an informational leaflet by the vaccination staff which had a QR code in which I could record side effects from the vaccine. I recorded exactly what I have just typed out above and also stated what treatments I have used to help with the symptoms.

After resting in bed for most of the day, I am feeling slightly better. I am taking 2x paracetamol regularly to help with the pain, body aches, and fevers. I am trying to keep very hydrated and to eat healthy.

Fingers crossed the worst is over! I have been told if my symptoms persist till tomorrow, I may need a covid swab to ensure I haven’t been exposed to the virus…

Freedom

Freedom again.. so we finished our five day lock down on Thursday as promised by our prime minister. The taste of freedom is both exhilarating and also feels foreign, almost wrong… going in and out of lockdowns makes you feel on the edge… when will the next one be? Do you enjoy your freedom now and pay the consequences later? What if you go to a hotspot accidentally?

The constant anxiety of not knowing is both scary and yet exciting times to be in.

I wish I could be part of the Covid Vaccination team… but I am not sure.. I am still undergoing my residency training now and I am not sure how it would work..

I am glad that a vaccine is out, I wonder how the world is going to look like once we are vaccinated. Is social distancing here to stay?

Melbourne lockdown #3

Yesterday afternoon, we were all told that at midnight the entire state of Victoria will be plunged back to a Stage Four lockdown for five days. This was in response to another leak of Coronavirus from someone in Hotel Quarantine.. if they know that these returned travellers are at a high risk of having Covid-19, why aren’t the rooms better ventilated? In this case, the returned traveller had asthma and was using a nebuliser to help him breathe… It was well known since the first lockdown that all nebulisers in hospital were strongly discouraged due to the risk of droplets of covid being spread. Instead, using the puffer was recommended to be used through a spacer instead.

Obviously, you do the obvious.. you go out and enjoy the last few hours of freedom. The freedom of not having to wear a mask outside, being able to dine in restaurants, being able to play badminton and going shopping… I did what I miss most, playing badminton with friends ☺️

It’s bittersweet and a little depressing to go from almost normal back to being in lockdown. I am just hoping and praying it will only be for five days and that we can go back to “normal”.

The rules that are in place until Midnight on Wednesday the 17th of Feb:

We can only leave work for four essential reasons:

1. Work/Study that can’t be done from home.

2. Caring for someone or getting medical attention.

3. Essential shopping for groceries/pharmacy/etc.

4. 2 hours of exercise a day.

Other rules come back, non-essential retail stores must be closed. Masks must be worn at all times except for strenuous exercise or if they have a medical condition.

We also cannot travel more than 5km to go shopping for groceries, unless the nearest shop is more than 5km away.

No visitors are allowed to your home, unless it’s your intimate partner.

All indoors/outdoor sports are not allowed, unless you are an professional.

I am not sure if there is a ‘curfew’ like last time, but there isn’t much to do anyways.

Also, there are no visitors allowed in Hospital or Nursing homes unless in special circumstances.

Fingers crossed Melbourne 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Feeling Dry

Contrary to the title of this post, Melbourne has been rainy and wintery all week. However, I am dry and dehydrated..I have mouth ulcers in my mouth, my skin is dry and bleeding, and overall I feel unwell. But, I can’t explain why I am unwell. I feel guilty that I feel sick and so so tired.

I am feeling my zest in life is slowly fading. I feel dizzy when I play badminton…I am scared that I will injure myself once again. What are hobbies again? Everything just is hard to concentrate when I feel like I need to continue working

I am aware that I am thinking about work was too much…even on my lunch breaks and at home, I am checking my email constantly. My team leader calls me before and after work…It’s just ongoing and infiltrating my life and it is mostly my fault. I always take on too much and too often, I never learn my lesson but I love the exhilaration of being on so many committees and so many projects. But spare time is no longer mine. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and let others help.

When did I become so bad for asking for help? When did I become so independent? It must be pride, arrogance, and distrust…

Things need to change, I can’t go on like this in fear that I will crash and burn.

Returning Home to Adelaide

Coming back to Adelaide for the first time since I left was weird… at times it felt like nothing had changed… but underneath the surface, when you looked a little closer, things has definitely changed.

Since I made the move to Melbourne in August, my friend had a baby, 2 of my friends separated from their partners, my sister finally moved into their new home, my dad was diagnosed with diabetes….my brother bought an ipad for $13!! Houses have been built, buildings have been knocked down, many shops have been forced to close, the covid-19 situation leaves its sting on each business. There are QR codes at each business so that people can check in.

My home hasn’t changed … it’s still as messy and full of hoarded stuff.. everytime I see it, I feel sad.. I feel like I want to clean it up, but it’s not really up to me to tell my parents they need to start throwing away…. for example, I tried washing my clothes this morning and the Washing Machine started shaking, vibrating, and stopped working completely… I had to HANDWASH every item and I know I did a shit job. Lol. Haven’t handwashed anything in forever. I dont even have a bucket to do that in Melbourne.. and of course we don’t have a dryer so some of my clothes are still wet 😅😅😅….

My pet turtle is hugeeee now!! Maybeeeee coz I haven’t seen her for so long!! But she looks hugeee! I am so sure my dad is feeeding her wayyy too much.

My little nephew is as cute as ever!! He has been growing taller and since he has started walkingc he has been losing his baby fat! No longer the chubby baby I once knew! He can saw random words on demand..i.e. the colour BLUE, the name EMMA (the yellow wiggle), and the numbers 8 and 9.

It’s weird feeling like a stranger in your own home, I feel like a guest, but then I also feel like I am not. Hard to explain.

Was this whirlwind last minute trip worth it? Definitely… I just hope there won’t be any last minute breakouts which mean I have to immediately self-isolate or quarantine when I head back to Melbourne… fingers and toes are crossed.

Now, let’s all enjoy that weird time between Christmas and New years.

Cheers to a better year in 2021 🥂

My constant battle with Iron Deficiency

Ever since I was young, since I started my period, my iron levels have always swung up and down. This may have been attributed to the monthly blood loss and also due to the fact I refused to red meat from the age of 10. I started eating meat again at age 20, as by that time I had stopped menstruating for around 6 months…and on advice of our local doctor, i.e. my scary Aunty… I was semi coerced to start eating meat again.

I still remember my first meal that had meat. Wok in the box stir fry. Tastes like shitty rubber imo. It felt disgusting. Why do people like meat? But if I wanted to become ‘normal’ I had to do this….

Eventually it got better… chicken was easier to eat… and pork was not had as well.. it felt good to not be the odd one out at All you can Eat Korean BBQs, buffets, and random dinners at friend’s houses… I didn’t want to be rude and not eat the food given to me.. I just sort of brushed the food aside. Back then, not many people were into ‘Vegetarian’ or Vegan diets, aside those who were for religious reasons.

Anyways, I digressed too much. The moral of the story is that I kind of ate what my mum cooked at home… and yeah it meat most of the time. But since moving out, I realised now I am in charge of my own diet and I can eat what I want. I really tried to imitate what we ate at home.. beef mince, pork…but I soon realised.. I am no chef and secondly, I honestly don’t like the texture of meat. I don’t know how to cook it … so I might as well stick with what I can cook well and go back to my mainly plant-based and seafood diet. This is my forte.. my fridge is full of basically 70% veggies, 10% Protein (Fish and Tofu), 20% carbs.

And hence, I would not be surprised at all when I am due for my next blood test to check my iron levels… that it is most likely to be low. :(.

I do not want to take supplements as I had many side effects such as black Tarry stools from them… EWW. TMI? Not enough imo!! Hmmm if its really bad, maybe I can request an iron infusion?

I guess it depends on the blood test 😔😔

In others news, I have started a new segment on my podcast about the quick meals that you can cook with your microwave..see link below:

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Have you ever been a negative nelly and you believed something bad was going to happen, and when it did you announced. “I told you so!”

How much did our attitude to that problem, situation contribute to what happened?

If you always feel like your partner is going to chest on you, so you are suspicious of every female friend they hang out with…and you accuse him of flirting at every opportunity. Maybe your behaviour contributed to his decision to cheat. He was called a cheat, so might as well do it right?

I am not sure if I am making any sense at all.. I woke up around 5 and couldn’t fall back asleep… I was too cold. Most of the time, I am too hot when I sleep. Life is so hard.

P.S. todays cover photo is of some Frozen Taiyaki I found in my local Asian grocery store :0 $3 for 5 mini ones. A bargain 🤣🤣. I put two in the air fryer for about 5 minutes and it’s super crispy and DELICIOUS. Unhealthy probably but delicious. I am craving one now.. but its like 7am. Lol.

Anyways, in conclusion. We have to acknowledge that we have past preconceptions and assumptions about people and their behaviour. Because men and women are not all the same. Stereotyping people and situations doesn’t help. It should make you more alert, but sometimes the ending can be different. And hence I end thid somewhat sleep deprived chat here.

Is it being lazy or being efficient?

Today I managed to do a weeks worth of cleaning in one day. I was recording in a voice message to my mum what I did today.. and it was a lot (imo)..!

Woke up. Had breakfast. Then took the first load of laundry of undergarments downstairs. waited half an hour or so then took the next load, work clothes -on delicate mode- and put the undergarments in the dryer. Repeat x5. As I was hanging up the work clothes I get a call from my Aunty who was checking to see if I was alright…

After the call I try to do some study.. but I am hungry again :(. So it’s time to cook from all the left over ingredients I bought last week! So today and tmoros menu consists of frozen eel (soo delicious), frozen fishballs, frozen mixed veggies ( so colourful), fresh bokchoy x3 (coz its cheaper), 2 onions, half a garlic, half a box of smooth tofu, left over noodles…and voila! 4 or so meals are done. It tastes good too. You can’t really go wrong with these ingredients. I left of mess after cooking (and eating) as per usual.

So I started wiping down the kitchen bench.. then I realised the floor was dirty.. so I got out the good old two in one mixed head mop.. sprayed some disinfectant and water. Well, one thing led to another… I had the spray out already.. should I just clean my toilet and shower today instead of Sunday? It means tmoro I can just relax… hmmm anyways. So I ended quickly cleaning the bathroom too.. I don’t think I did as thorough as the week before.. but I’ll survive🤣🤣🤣 always feels sooo nice to have a clean toilet, clean clothes, and clean kitchen bench. My sink is still full of dishes tho 🤣🤣🤣…

Some of my colleagues are horrified to hear how I only clean once a week…but hey I live on my own and the mess is my own. If I can live with it, then it’s fine right? As long as no one else is affected 🤣🤣🤣imho.

Stages of starting a new job

Night before first day: *Can’t sleep. Too excited/nervous/omfg. (Also can’t wait to start so you can start earning some $$ again )

First day. Wake up wayyyy tooo early. Sleep deprived. Wear a cake of make up and do your hair.. then you remembered you have to wear a mask.. and ruin face. Dress nicely in your freshly ironed clothes and clean polished shoes. Paid for expensive AF visitor parking for a short orientation. Get a mugshot of you taken as if you were a criminal on. your badge. Try to remember the names of all the people you met…then later realise u forgot to ask about how to use the staff carpark.

Week 2: You learnt from the first week that you don’t need to do makeup on your whole face. Just half will do. Clothes? They don’t need ironing right? They will become wrinkled anyways… you bond with the other newstarters.. only they seem to understand your pain and stress from being the “Noob” at work .;(.

Week 3: Let’s just do the eyebrows… everything else comes off anyways. They won’t notice if I wear the same thing twice in a week… right? At this stage you have made some friends, but also some enemies at work. Avoid those who hate in you and just remember it’s alright. You sort of know what you are doing.. kind of. You’ve made a bit of a routine at work. What snacks to get.. the free coffee and tomatoe soup. You got this :0

Week 4.. ? To be continued

Mask wearing evaders

I went for a walk today and saw a man standing still, not wearing a mask, and using his phone. I try to evade him, he is clearly not exercising but is wearing sports gear as if he was. Lame. Mask evaders, hope he gets fined.

I guess if anyone is caught outside not exercising, they could always just say they are going grocery shopping.

Where are the social distancing police when you need it? :0.

Other than that, the situation seems to be getting better. I ordered Uber Eats for the first time!! Since buying frozen eel…I am obsessed with eel.. it’s so delicious. 🤤 I finally got paid on Thursday! I guess this is my small private celebration 🎉..