Slow down

A patient of mine told me to, SLOW DOWN. My job gets repetitive after doing the classic antibiotic and pain killers talk for the 100th time during this rotation.

I haven’t realised that I have gone 100 miles per hour, until a person from a non-English speaking country told me to “SLOW DOWN”. And I stopped, I really do go TOO FAST. Maybe due to the workload, partly because I am an inpatient person. I always want to be fast, effective, and try to do everything. But, I realised, what is the point in doing all this? To achieve everything so soon… to work yourself into a sweat trying to bend your head over for someone who really doesn’t care?

My goal from now on, is to slow down, take a deep breath and ask myself, “Why am I rushing”? What for? Am I late? Then I should change my habits and start being early. Am I not going to get things done? Then maybe it’s time to ask for help or see what else can be streamlined, prioritised to be done later.

Life flies by, and then you realised you haven’t even stopped to smell the flower, enjoy the food, make some friendships. What happened to me that all I became was someone so focused on goals, achievements, and I slowly became someone without a soul, perhaps coming off rude, and a loner.

Bucket list for 2021

I have started reading a webtoon all about bucket lists…but I realised I never seem to keep track or remember what I put down…

So my list for the remainder of 2021 is to:

-Take classes to learn a new instrument! Recently I have taken an interest in the Japanese harp-like instrument, the koto…I have enquired about classes.

-Play a new sport! The only sports I play now is Badminton…and I guess when you are super comfortable with a sport, you might not want to try other sports.. well for me anyways. After asking my friends, I found out a colleague who plays table tennis and have contacts/places to play….

Work on my personality, in particular-to treat everyone like a friend. Not a close friend, but like a friend. A recent random encounter with a rude person, made me reflect on what kind of person I am and what others may perceive I am. But, like someone once said, you never know who you are being rude too.

Travel somewhere I’ve never been to before. This one, I kinda have done on my own to Phillip Island and hopefully I will make my way up to the snow this year??

Assertiveness. I am always saying yes, to the point I get angry and grumpy about it. I overthink too much about what others may think of me. I am going to practice saying no, and I’ll start with small steps and saying now to people wanting to steal my weekend shifts 😒😒😒…I need the money too!!!

Be a better friend to my existing friends. Being there for them, spending time to catch up with them, and overall just strengthening existing friendships. Both in Adelaide and Melbourne.

A decision on a house….!! By the end of this year …hoping to either.

1. Have a mortgage and living in a house/apartment in Melbourne / have saved up 100k by end of 2021 for a deposit

2. Investment property in Adelaide

3. Moved out to a bigger place that allows pets/own furniture

I think this is all that comes into mind at 11pm on a Weeknight. Have you made a bucketlist for yourself?

Embrace Loneliness

I believe you have to embrace being alone. It’s so true how you can be around people, yet feel so alone and isolated.

And when you are alone, you can feel like no one in the world cares about you, if you suddenly disappeared without a trace. If something happened to you, no one would notice, because you are all alone.

Yet, the sounds of people talking too loudly about things you don’t care about, can make you wish for peace and quiet.

So in the moment, appreciate you are alone. You don’t have to make small talk, you don’t have to ask how their day was. Just relax knowing you can eat when you want, sleep when you want, go out and do something you want to on your own. No need to consult with anyone else or what they think. Life is freedom to do whatever you want.

Yet sometimes, society makes you feel bad for being alone. Life and society wasn’t designed for people who are alone. It’s like the loners are shunned in the world.

All the Reminders of the Memories

Now that you are gone, all I have left is fragments of moments in times that are embedded into my memory.

There are so many triggers to the reminiscing that takes place.. It can be a smell, a song, an image, a place.. everything reminds me of you

It’s like the world doesn’t want me to forget you, but I NEED to forget you. How can I move on when I am constantly living in the past?

I hope these feelings of sadness will not last.

Did the bed always feel so cold? Was food always so tasteless? Was life always this mundane?

You lighted up my bleak world with colour, flashing lights, and bells… but now it is quiet once again.

I can only move on when I make fresh memories, try new places, meet more people.

Does a place exist where nothing reminds me of you?

Lock down lifting

Soooo restrictions are easy across metropolitan Melbourne since yesterday morning. But, I really honestly didn’t feel impact from it. I was home all day yesterday, bed ridden from a sudden wave of sickness. I reckon it had to be the sudden new working hours of the dreaded “Late Shift” week that I had. 11:30am-20:00 pm … so cold, and so dark when I finally finished working….

I fought the sickness for 2 days before succumbing to it and finally breaking down. There was no more juice, a full migraine broke out on top of the background sickness of congestion, cough, sore throat, and hot and cold chills. I actually planned to get covid swabbed, but was feeling way too sick to do so.

Life always has it’s ways of saying to you, it’s time to rest. Like, really! Stop pushing yourself and get well soon.

P.S. i am on annual leave from today, unfortunately I had to cancel my flights to Adelaide as Adelaide has closed its borders to me and I am unable to return home at this stage =\/(

Melbourne Lockdown 4.0

What can I say? We are pretty used to it now..LOCKDOWN

1. Roll out and clean the dusty yoga mat…it’s time for some YouTube work outd.

2. Stock up on essentials like toilet papers, frozen foods, snacks, and caffeine.

3. Start calling your family and catching up with friends online.

4. Start shopping online again because shops are closed.

5. Start typing into the blogs and online ventures once again.

6. Get really bored and find some interesting new hobby or side hustle to do.

7. Consider buying a pet or alternatively a plant.

8. Consider investing in more lounge wear as you spend so much time at home in your PJs.

9. Wallow in self pity for a while because you can’t travel.

10. Follow the news like a hawk to see what is happening with the lockdown and how many nee cases are there today?!?!?!?

Repeat all of the above again and again.

The daily grind

Not sure if it’s the grey cold weather, the workload, the long hours, the extra things I do after work and on my weekends.

But these days, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling to have the energy to do anything.. the excitement in life is just waning. Perhaps its because I came back from having one week off for the first time since I started this new job in August 2020.

Perhaps it maybe also because I’ve been self weaning off my medicines that keep depression and anxiety away, and now… With that in my background, life just seems so much harder. So much sadder.

But this too will past, won’t? I am not even sure why I feel so sad, why so down, why so anxious… maybe I just didn’t pay attention to it. Maybe, it’s because when something good goes away… then you realise how nice it was and the life before was so bleak.

Sometimes people add colour, rainbows, variety to the mundane life and once they go away. It’s hard, so hard to get used to that boring life again.

But overtime, you will forget, forget those sunny days. To see a rainbow, you do require rain aswell as sun.

Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

Do you just become sick or do you make yourself sick?

Do we just suddenly fall sick for no reason or are we the ones treating our bodies so bad that it forces us to take much needed rest?

I think I know the answer… I think I sip my ice old glass of soy milk because my coffee is too hot and I already have several mouth ulcers in my mouth.

My blood tests all came back “normal”, nothing out of the ordinary, no infection, not low in vitamin D, iron, or vitamin b12. My blood pressure standing and sitting were “fine”, but I still feel dizzy when walking around. I still feel tired and so fatigued that my mind becomes blank and I barely can make the drive to work without falling asleep. Burn out is real and your body will let you know it has had ENOUGH. You need rest it says…

If you are constantly worrying about work or thinking things will crumble if you aren’t there, then I feel you are overestimating the abilities of other people. If you are always doing everything, then how will people ever learn how to do something? So the cycle continues, because that’s how you learnt in the first place right? When you were thrown into the deep end, it’s either you sink to the bottom or you force yourself to learn to swim.

But you swim too hard, too fast, and you tire out. You forget that you aren’t in some olympic 100m swim race, you are in a marathon called ‘Life’. It’s time to pace yourself, know your limits and know how to love yourself, (that’s a post for another time).

Feeling Dry

Contrary to the title of this post, Melbourne has been rainy and wintery all week. However, I am dry and dehydrated..I have mouth ulcers in my mouth, my skin is dry and bleeding, and overall I feel unwell. But, I can’t explain why I am unwell. I feel guilty that I feel sick and so so tired.

I am feeling my zest in life is slowly fading. I feel dizzy when I play badminton…I am scared that I will injure myself once again. What are hobbies again? Everything just is hard to concentrate when I feel like I need to continue working

I am aware that I am thinking about work was too much…even on my lunch breaks and at home, I am checking my email constantly. My team leader calls me before and after work…It’s just ongoing and infiltrating my life and it is mostly my fault. I always take on too much and too often, I never learn my lesson but I love the exhilaration of being on so many committees and so many projects. But spare time is no longer mine. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and let others help.

When did I become so bad for asking for help? When did I become so independent? It must be pride, arrogance, and distrust…

Things need to change, I can’t go on like this in fear that I will crash and burn.

2021 House Hunting!

Happy New Year everyone! I can’t believe I haven’t posted ALL YEAR. How lazy of me.. XD

I just completely forgot that I haven’t blogged for awhile, I keep thinking I did…but like a lot of things in my life…I started out strong, then fizzled out, and now restarting. It’s the end result that matters right?

To say this week has been hectic is an understatement and I have slipped. back into some unhealthy habits :(.

My sleep has been so SHIT lately…I put it due to the hot weather (it is summer here), the late night HOON driving that continues to 1-2 am…I don’t even call the cops anymore as it has made ZERO difference. I just am hanging on to the hope that I will be able to move places soon. I was hanging on from moving, because I still hadn’t recieved my drivers license in the mail. LONG STORY SHORT, they never posted it…and I was waiting for over a month for it…it is only when I sent THEM an enquiry to why it was taking so long that I found out that apaprently they fcked. up my photo and didn’t even bother telling me. Apparently I have to go in there to take a photo and they are unable to give me a license without retaking my photo, EVEN THOUGH they were the ones who took my photo. Vic ROADS SUCKS. VIC POLICE SUCKS. and VIC REAL ESTATE Agents SUCK. I sound like an angry person, but I guess I am comparing this to my home town in Adelaide where I haven’t had to deal with these issues. LE SIGH.

Enough WHINGING! Anyways, in other news! It’s decided. I am planning to move in the next few months! Instead of renting this time, I am on the look out for HOUSE TO BUY. When probably can’t afford a proper house yet, but a TOWNHOUSE!! I don’t know why, but I am in love with town houses..! It just feels so quaint, cute, and comfortable to have a 2-storey house that maximises space and utilises space well. I don’t have anything against single storey units, but it’s just something about town houses that make me want to buy one…hahah the one I have my eyes set on has an asking price of $490000 to $520000…which sadly is out of my original budget…BUT hopefully fingers crossed I will be able to sort out finances prior to the auction at the end of the month. I have been talking to banks directly and bypassing the mortgage broker. It just takes TOO LONG with my mortgage broker…I am just going to do more research on my own and from what I can see, it doesn’t make much difference in terms of cost.

I feel like most things can be done on your own, but most people are probably too lazy to make the effort to do it on their own…

I am so excited to get a place!! But first have to jump the hurdle of getting a PRE-APPROVAL first…I don’t have a 20% deposit saved up yet sadly… coz I put some money into shares…and lost some money…

But the longer I rent, the more I am paying for someone else’s mortgage…

I inspected 5 properties today (I am exhausted!) but narrowed it down to 2 properties and one in particular I am hoping to buy. Both have their perks and down falls.

  1. Single story unit.

    Good: More land and garden space. Great for a dog as fenced…seems like they have a dog! As there was a dog kernel. The living room and outside space is really nice! The garage is oversized and can fit more tha one car easily! The house is in a pretty decent suburb and it is hidden at the back of a group of 6 units ((Good and bad thing). Apparently it is near a farm area, so there may be many big trucks driving stock in and out…Also not sure about hayfever?!?! It is also close to work and is safer than the other property..probably higher resell value and rental value.

    Bad: There is only one toielt an it was broken…The doors keep slamming when the windows are open. Saw some cobwebs in the window…The garage was really messy. This has a higher asking price of 50,0000 to 550000. Strata fees are around $800 a year. It can also be a bit hard to find the entrance to this house as it is at the back of a series of units…

2. Two storey town house:

Good: Newer than the single story unit and was quite well kept upon inspection. It looks great for a first house as the garden looks easy to maintain. There are just properties around the area. The BIR in both rooms look more modern and for the MAIN bedroom it has a really neat mini desk inside the WIR. It has a nice bathroom and I especially love the sink in the bathroom. The garden is really nice with a bench for entertaining outside..there was also a BBQ and a Water tank… (I am not sure if these stay if they get sold)? Two sheds and a built in clothes hanger. There are aircons in both rooms and also in the loung room. Strata was abou $300 per quarter ? or was it per year.??!?!

Bad: It is in a ‘bad suburb’ that is known for the lower SES in the past. There is not many schools nearby…There are a lot of migrants in the neighbour hood and people say that there is many burglaries in the past and that it is not safe to go out walking at night on your own. There is less space upstairs…For the same price i could possibly get a three bedroom unit in the same neighbour hood.. I need to check if there are security camers for this place…as I want to feel safe!!!!!!!!

My aunty and uncle who own a few properties already have advised me to drive down to that neighbour hood during night and during the day to see what sort of neighbours and people who live there and to check sound levels…which I will do at some stage.

Other than that, it’s back to the banks to ask if I can loan more money…

Wish me luck.

I will keep you posted!

Adulting is so tiring…after all those inspections, video chatted with aunty and uncle, then 1 hour meeting with a BANK representative… I took a 2 hour nap and ate the rest of the green ice cream for dinner. Covid cases have started up again and there was as local outbreak at the shopping centre I normally go to…so I have been trying not to do groceries there and only go to the one near my work instead…HOWEVER it means I can’t just get groceries that easily anymore :(.


Fingers crossed we will not have to do a lockdown again :(. Masks are mandatory indoors again..but TBH that never changed for me anyways as I work in a hospital.

Take care and stay safe peeps.

Being the perfect law abiding citizen

I’ve been think lately about why I am so afraid to break the rules. I’ve always been so afraid of being found out…of being guilty…and being called “A Bad Girl”- (No kink intended here…).

In Cantonese, the word for obedient was “Gwai”. (sounds like that)…and I loved being called a “Gwai Low” or “Obedient daughter”. I’ve always been afraid of getting hit by my parents for being naughty. I grew up with migrant Asian parents in which the norm was to hit their children when they were naughty…Is this why I am so afraid of breaking the law? Breaking the rules? And hence why I was so obedient to all the lock down restrictions? Or is it because I know the consequences of not following the rules? I saw a facebook Meme about how that people with lower intelligence tend to not follow the lockdown restrictions because they do not understand what ‘Social Distancing is’.

Maybe, it is because I am a health professional working in a hospital in which the use of PPE, gloves, and googles are the norm? I crave for freedom as much as the next person, but not at the expense of spreading this disease.

I think I am too hard on myself sometimes…It is okay not to be perfect. No one is perfect 100% of the time. It’s not ideal to make mistakes or break the law unintentionally…but it will happen… and just pray that the police didn’t catch you :o.

Treating yourself Kindly

I find that I am the harshest critic upon myself… when faced with uncertainty, I often doubt myself.. my qualifications and my ability to get the job done.

Amongst other things, I am quick to compare myself to others and hence, usually feel bad for myself. 😔😔 But what for? Everyone is different, unique, and has their own journey. There isn’t any point comparing your journey to someone else’s. That’s what I SHOULD think.. but anyway, other people will do it, even if you don’t.

But you just gotta drown that thought out and don’t pay attention. Just do your best! That’s all you can do. 😊

Week five of our stage 4 lockdown… we are due for review on September 13th.! Fingers and toes crossed we will have some restrictions lifted ✌️✌️🤞🤞🤞

Spilling Water on your laptop

So I bought some white rice the other day… brown rice is great, but it takes about two hours to cook in the rice cooker… well anyways, as you can see I am putting it to good use. As the responsible and clumsy me managed to spill my water bottle over the laptop.

I googled how to dry the laptop.. and apparently I have to wait a few days to dry it… before I can use it. 😭…

Other than that, I went to the Asian grocery for the first time… it felt like an outing… ! The supermarket is sooo huge… and I couldn’t find anything.. but still managed to buy quite a lot of frozen foods! Hopefully it will be healthier than the chinese pork sausages I have been using in my fried rice.

The Chinese pork sausage is so nice with the fried rice!! But so fatty .. cry.. other than that I am going to try do the 2 Week Ab Chloe Ting challenge xD.. hopefully can get a flatter stomach 🤣🤣🤣

Will report in 2 weeks on how I go…

How to fix the lock on your door

Had a really anxiety inducing event today…I going up and down the building and because my door doesn’t shut properly… (it keeps blowing open). I have to lock it each time I leave.. I think I somehow wore out my key so much that when I was about to go for my walk…I realised the key wasn’t able able to lock the down. I was thinking… I am soo screwed if someone comes in and steals all my stuff :(. Granted, I honestly don’t have much… but it’s still stuff I use!! And need!!

Using my quick thinking skills I set about seeking answers from the genius Dr Google…and the Dr didn’t fail me. Apparently I need something called WD40 , which is basically a lubricant spray…unfortunately I would have to leave my door unlocked until i came back with some WD40.

I walked to the nearby convenience store, grabbed some snacks, and awkwardly asked someone putting stock on shelves. “Do you have WD40?” …and he said “No, sorry”. Damn. i asked myself “Do I still buy the snacks?!?”… I mean they were mostly on sale, why not. Anyways, lame. It means I will have to drive out to the bigger supermarket to grab some.

So one facemask change later (man does it become super moist from some light walking!) and a car trip to the supermarket!! I get my WD40.and $30 more worth of fruits, snacks, and veggies. Sigh. Why can’t I go to the shop and just what I need?! Why Am I so enticed by all the sales and the things I probably don’t need but want?! Anyways. That will be keep me okay for a few days.

Back home now. Luckily it looks like nothing had been stolen..:0. Rice cooker. Check laptop check. Big ass bin. Check. Anyway, Here was the deciding moment whether it works or not. The directions were, spray a bit into the key holes and then wait a few minutes. So i waited. Then i went to putting the key into the lock and tried to lock the door .. no luck dammit.

I open Dr google again. Searching, “Do I need to spray lubricant on Key too?”. Indeed I do… apparently after spraying it, I am supposed to put the key in and out of the lock so that the lubricants coats inside the lock (where my initial spray obviously hadn’t managed to enter into). Alright I twisted the key in and out. Please work I prayed to no one. I really didn’t want to call the Real estate agent for something like this… on a weekend..

And Hallelujah. It worked. And that, folks was the highlight and adulting milestone passed today.

TLDR: Always have some WD40 around.

P.S. minor set back today was, I washed all of the four towels I own and they are still wet, so I am going to have to shower using wet towels. BUY MORE TOWELS has been added to my ever growing TO DO LIST.