Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

Treating yourself Kindly

I find that I am the harshest critic upon myself… when faced with uncertainty, I often doubt myself.. my qualifications and my ability to get the job done.

Amongst other things, I am quick to compare myself to others and hence, usually feel bad for myself. 😔😔 But what for? Everyone is different, unique, and has their own journey. There isn’t any point comparing your journey to someone else’s. That’s what I SHOULD think.. but anyway, other people will do it, even if you don’t.

But you just gotta drown that thought out and don’t pay attention. Just do your best! That’s all you can do. 😊

Week five of our stage 4 lockdown… we are due for review on September 13th.! Fingers and toes crossed we will have some restrictions lifted ✌️✌️🤞🤞🤞

Episode Three of Working in Melbourne up!

I haven’t been very consistent with the naming of the podcast .. is it even a podcast? More like a lazy way to diary my life… my sad Iso-life.

Click here for Episode Three!

I promise to write a proper blog post soon! P.S. adulting achievement unlocked! Finally managed to make the skin on my salmon CRISPY!! 😍😍😍

Communal Laundry

So the thing about having a communal laundry means..you can’t just do your laundry whenever and wherever you want. You gotta lift all your clothes down to the washing machine.. and then load multiple loads coz it’s sooo small. You then set your timer so that you know when to come and take it out of the machine. But for some reason, it always takes longer so you are just waiting around.

I just want to whinge lol. But i am getting better.. its 2 pm and I am down to my last load! Woo hoo

2 days to go…

Been soooo busy these days.. doing lots of things.. but also feeling like I am not doing anything productive…

Been going out wayyyyy too much. I am not a very sociable person, so sometimes its a bit awkward…but I don’t regret it. It makes me feel sad that I am leaving behind all these wonderful people whom some I haven’t seen for months and months! It’s only because I am moving away that I am seeing them..

Packing… it has started and what started as one suitcase has turned into two suitcases, 2 crates, eight bags of clothes, and one more to come.. dont forget the badminton stuff… gym mat… laptop.. chargers.. last minute toiletries…hair dryer… contacts lens… pillow quilt.. soft toys.. snacks and drinks for the trip..I feel like I want to bring everything.. but my car is tiny.. ;(

So much to do.. but so little time 😦

Doubles Partner

Playing badminton can teach you about life.

Something that just occurred to me recently is, it is so important to find a good doubles partner for badminton/life.

In doubles, it is important that you can trust, communicate, and work well with the other person. If you don’t trust your partner, and they call a shot out-yet you don’t believe them…then you lose the point. Similarly, if you partner starts attacking from the back, the other person needs to know to move to cover the front of the court.

When things gets hard, as in you have been forced to do a lift which makes you susceptible to getting smashed by your opponents… you both have to take a side and defend the court. It would be incredibly hard if you you remained in a front and back formation as it would be hard to cover the whole court in that way.

If you did as drop shot, where the shuttlecock is really close to the net, you need to stay there and cover the next shot…in case they drop the shuttle back to you. It would be hard for your partner to run straight to the front of the court to cover the shot…

A good partner would encourage you to play and do better. Someone who gets angry easily and stops communicating is hard to play with…similarly if they don’t communicate saying “Yours” or “Mine”…there will be chances that clashes of racquets could happen.

Small things like high fiving after a good shot or praising, encouraging your partner is important. It may sound like nothing, but these small amounts of encouragement help to boost morale and lifts the team spirit.

Post game…win or loss…it’s important to keep the communication open…it can be hard after a loss not to blame the other person…but it’s good to thank them for playing and say the usual ‘We’ll do better next time’.

With these types of attitudes and learnings, I think it can be applicable and generalisable to all types of relationships with people you may have. Whether in family situations, work situations, friendships…and romantic relationships..

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Random Rants: Are you happy right now?

When you earn more money, do you get more stingy? Or do you become more generous?

I find that the more I earn…the more I spend…but at the same time, I also try to be careful with my money. It’s a ‘balancing act’…Earn more..can spend more…thus not saving more.

It’s a conundrum. It’s great you are earning more…but you also pay more tax…and then you end up with less than you initially imagined.

The ability to earn more…means you can afford to go on holidays in which you couldn’t before…do you take the time off and go on a holiday? Or do you keep saving and saving until one day..you can’t work anymore?

Such is life…I guess you have to choose whether you are happy, satisfied with how much you have.

You could be poor and happy. You could be rich but sad.

So many decisions to make…Do you take the risk to do a job that offers you one-two month contracts at a time, with no guarantee of ongoing work? Or do you instead continue part-time work …that also doesn’t offer you any more hours? But it is permanent. Or do you remain casual, which is flexible…but where you get pushed around by the big guys up there…When it’s busy they overwork you, when it’s quiet they don’t care about you and you get no shifts. The instability of life. Choices.

Such is life.

Really Random Rants: Thankful?

Sooo I had a blood test done a couple of weeks ago and I visited my GP (finally) to check the results. Not sure if Bad News or Good News, buttt I found the reason why I have been feeling so tired, lethargic, and gained weight lately. 😦 I suddenly put on 3 kg from last year! So apparently I have an Iron deficiency..no surprises there…given I rarely eat beef and prefer fish, chicken, and lotsa vegetables…plus I have been getting periods every three weeks instead of monthly…weird right??I also have something wrong with my thyroid stimulating hormone, I have too much of it…which means my body is low in thyroxine and is trying to restore it by excreting lots of hormones…or something like that.

sooo I have to do a few follow up things, repeat thyroid function test in one month…Follow up Iron test in 3 months…and an ultrasound to see if there’s is anything wrong internally that is causing the extra bleeds…

I really hope I get some answers soon, sometimes you just want to find out why you feel the way you feel…

I am grateful for things like blood tests, scans, and medications…to treat my iron deficiency there are easily accessible iron supplements that can be bought in pharmacies…and if I do need to take thyroxine tablets, those are also easily bought with a prescription and it is not too pricey to buy a packet of 200 -which lasts for about 6 months…

Feeling super grateful for the advancement of health and medicine that we can easily treat things that were never treated before…

 

Oh also on top of my existing health problems, I have had this rash..not sure what it is…query psoriasis, eczema, fungal (?), medication allergy? Not sure..but it’s been spreading around my body and I have kinda just left it…waiting to ask the doctor for her opinion, even though I suspected it to be fungal. Hopefully easily solved by some antifungal cream and some steroid.

I am not sure why I am writing all my personal problems here…but I felt the need to document it somewhere….why is my body going haywire all of the sudden?!!??

But anyway, as I said before…luckily there are treatments for these conditions…

And ladies and gentlemen, that is my life. Super tired from working two jobs and 13 days per fortnight…but I like the income. I guess everything comes with a cost. … xD

Nobody knows

Nobody knows what goes on inside your head

In turn, you don’t know what goes inside theirs.

We go through life guessing, assuming, and dictating what we think others are thinking. Little do we know how wrong or maybe right we are.

How can we know someone, better than we know ourselves? We could know someone, but maybe they changed or perhaps you were only seeing an act that they put on?

How do you really really know someone? I guess you can’t. You can just hope that you do and trust they are who they say they are.

Scared to be Lonely

When we are lonely, we wonder when we will ever find someone to share our life with…

When we finally get into a relationship, we are worried how long will it last for, what obstacles will we face.. what is our future? Are they the ‘one’ for me?

Is there even the ‘one’ for me? What if there are many others better than this ‘one’? Should I stay or should I go?

When we are in a relationship we should really let go of, we fear the loneliness again…

When we let go of that relationship, we fear if we make the right choice, but we are afraid to show our feelings…because you don’t want to be vulnerable…

When we try running back to the relationship, we may find out that they have already moved on and we are hurt again…even more hurt and lonely than before

When we are at this point, we ask ourselves, did the relationship make us anymore less lonely or more happy? Who said we had to be in a relationship to be happy?

When we realise this, we realise we can be happy now…and that being a alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. We have great friends, family, and most of all-pets to take away our loneliness

Random rants: Hectic Lives

Do you ever stop and think about how you coped with things in the past?

I sometimes wonder why I get so many migraines, headaches, and sicknesses. Then I kind of get reminded that maybe I am not eating properly, not sleeping properly, and probably doing one too many things at once.

Stress is an interesting thing and it can change over time and comes in all types of shapes and sizes.

I was reflecting back on my undergraduate university days and remembered that every day was full of things to do.

I was studying full-time, and in pharmacy we had quite a lot of contact hours…we had practicals that were 5 hours long, workshops, lectures, etc etc. It was a hectic life, on top of that I also worked two days a week in a cafe for 3 years, a retail pharmacy for one year, and in a hospital in my final year. I remembered playing in a team for the weekly badminton competition, I also remembered being captain of my very own Vets team. Then there were the religious commitments I used to have, I was in the church band, and they had weekly rehearsals on Saturdays…as well as the actual ‘performance’ days on Sundays which took up most of the day. I used to spend almost every day before a test or an exam studying at uni until well after 10 pm..to then wake up the next day at 6:30am and do it all again.

 

I remember one day, before an important test..I was studying late at night at the university..revising.. and I got a phone call. It was my mum. She said Grandmother had passed away. I was in shock. This couldn’t be happening! Not now…I just can’t deal with it…I couldn’t study any more after that. I don’t know how I managed to make myself go to that test and do so well… In hindsight, I could have applied to defer that test if I wanted to…but I didn’t.

That experience woke me up a little, it made me feel all sorts of feelings. It made me feel guilty most of all. WHY didn’t I spend more time with my grandmother when she was alive? Why did I prioritise STUDYING so much? Why did I want to do well in university when I could have just got through with average grades…Why was I so afraid of NOT doing well? Of failing? Where were my priorities? I don’t know why I worked so hard and I don’t know if it was worth it? It’s so easy to get obsessed with things for me…I was obsessed with badminton…with music…with drawing…with anime…I don’t know. Passion? Entertainment? I don’t know. Honestly…now  I am probably just obsessed with working and getting money. For what? Do I think a house or holiday will make me happy? Maybe. Maybe for a little bit. But then what, I’ll be sad again?

I have to constantly remind myself, life is short. We don’t know when our end is. What will we regret when we are older that we wished we did more?

I ask myself this because there are many decisions we have to make. There are many pathways we could go…but it all takes risks…There are some many “I WISHES” and hopefully we can get to them before it is ‘Too late’ and anyways I am not even sure where this post is going anymore…

 

 

 

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Rainbows

For the last two days..while I was driving to work I saw a rainbow in the sky.
On the first day that I saw it…I was like..is this a sign that everything is going to be okay? That despite all the decisions, changes, and stresses- will it really be okay?
Today, I saw the rainbow again and I felt kind of angry at it…’ Why’ I asked myself, are you giving me false hope? Is everything going to get better? Why does it feel like it is getting worse?
I think something is wrong when you are angry at something that beautiful in the sky.

I have been reminded lately, that I am responsible for my own happiness..and I need to stop letting circumstances, other people, and things from biting away my own happiness.

I am somewhat responsible for all the stress I have been feeling…overcommitting to too many things and somehow believing I can do it all well. I can make a choice not to stress myself out and put down some things…if I wanted..but I still choose not to…being undecided.

Why do we trust so easily? Until something happens that is…

Yesterday, a thought suddenly occurred to me… which had never occurred to me before… How can we trust those people around us?

I am not only referring to family members, friends, or lovers…but like the people who we may or may not know that are serving us in someway…behind a counter…or driving the bus that you may be catching to work…

Society is built on a trust that people will do their jobs in a safe and correct manner… In some ways, people will either use or not use a service based on their reputation and by word of mouth… However, in the case of public transport…we really do not have an alternative option…because it is something the government organises and there are not alternatives at this moment…

The reason I was thinking about this, was that I know one of my methadone clients at my workplace works for Uber Eats… I am not trying to say that all methadone clients are aggressive and rude…but this one is… I would personally, be scared and not really want them to be my uber eat deliverer… As I confront the feelings of why I feel this way…I just don’t trust them…?! What if they leave their delivery bag near drugs or they smoke weed… what if some drugs fall into the food? What if the bag is just dirty?? (Could apply to anyone delivering..do they clean those bags they use?)…Maybe it’s just me who overthinks these things…or SHOULD we be thinking of these things? Because I know restaurants in Australia have strict rules and regulations about cleanliness and hygiene control…but what about the people delivering the food?!!? What if they tamper with it while distributing it?

 

So much to think about .. :(…

Needless to say, I won’t be ordering food delivery for awhile…

 

 

 


 

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Happy Mother’s Day~

It’s mothers day in Australia today…it’s a good time to reflect on what our mothers have or have not done for us…

I am not a mother myself, but I can imagine that being a mother would be an incredible experience and challenge. I don’t think anyone can be prepared for motherhood (or fatherhood), it is thrust upon you and suddenly you are in charge of looking after a vulnerable child.

I imagine there is quite a pressure that is bestowed upon you to be a a good example to your kid… I think by thinking about it in that way, I would feel more inclined to be more forgiving to things that my mother may have not done well when I was a child.

I think parenthood is a prime symbol for entering adult hood…paired with getting your own house, getting a full time job, and marriage…it just seems like the natural progression for being an adult. Saying that, I do know many do not follow this such plan and that’s entirely fine too. However, I do know that some people, no matter how long they have been a parent, will forever be a child at heart.

At my age now, my mother was already a mother of two children…That thought …sort of scares me…I can’t imagine having even one child at this age…It just seems like such a massive decision to make…to have kids…Because it’s not like a pet, where if things don’t work out you can possibly give it to a shelter or to someone else… Pets come and go…but children are for life…….!!!

I feel like I had super high expectations of my parents as a child…I wanted them and wished that they were someone who they were not…as a child I did not see them as just individuals who are older and wiser than me…I thought them as stupid, selfish, mean and they were NOT allowed to make mistakes in my book! A bit has changed since then, but more often than not, it’s hard to see parents as normal people…just is.. :O

 

What are your thoughts?

 

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