Do you ever stop and think about how you coped with things in the past?
I sometimes wonder why I get so many migraines, headaches, and sicknesses. Then I kind of get reminded that maybe I am not eating properly, not sleeping properly, and probably doing one too many things at once.
Stress is an interesting thing and it can change over time and comes in all types of shapes and sizes.
I was reflecting back on my undergraduate university days and remembered that every day was full of things to do.
I was studying full-time, and in pharmacy we had quite a lot of contact hours…we had practicals that were 5 hours long, workshops, lectures, etc etc. It was a hectic life, on top of that I also worked two days a week in a cafe for 3 years, a retail pharmacy for one year, and in a hospital in my final year. I remembered playing in a team for the weekly badminton competition, I also remembered being captain of my very own Vets team. Then there were the religious commitments I used to have, I was in the church band, and they had weekly rehearsals on Saturdays…as well as the actual ‘performance’ days on Sundays which took up most of the day. I used to spend almost every day before a test or an exam studying at uni until well after 10 pm..to then wake up the next day at 6:30am and do it all again.
I remember one day, before an important test..I was studying late at night at the university..revising.. and I got a phone call. It was my mum. She said Grandmother had passed away. I was in shock. This couldn’t be happening! Not now…I just can’t deal with it…I couldn’t study any more after that. I don’t know how I managed to make myself go to that test and do so well… In hindsight, I could have applied to defer that test if I wanted to…but I didn’t.
That experience woke me up a little, it made me feel all sorts of feelings. It made me feel guilty most of all. WHY didn’t I spend more time with my grandmother when she was alive? Why did I prioritise STUDYING so much? Why did I want to do well in university when I could have just got through with average grades…Why was I so afraid of NOT doing well? Of failing? Where were my priorities? I don’t know why I worked so hard and I don’t know if it was worth it? It’s so easy to get obsessed with things for me…I was obsessed with badminton…with music…with drawing…with anime…I don’t know. Passion? Entertainment? I don’t know. Honestly…now I am probably just obsessed with working and getting money. For what? Do I think a house or holiday will make me happy? Maybe. Maybe for a little bit. But then what, I’ll be sad again?
I have to constantly remind myself, life is short. We don’t know when our end is. What will we regret when we are older that we wished we did more?
I ask myself this because there are many decisions we have to make. There are many pathways we could go…but it all takes risks…There are some many “I WISHES” and hopefully we can get to them before it is ‘Too late’ and anyways I am not even sure where this post is going anymore…
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