What is the difference between the patient and their health care worker?

I think there’s a myth that health care professionals have it all together. But actually, we are just humans. We have our own struggles, we have our own doubts, we are not superior…. we are just the same. Just as you are our patient we are someone else’s patient.

Sometimes I wonder about the thin line that makes one a patient. One day I could be the health professional, the next day I am the one being treated. Is there a clear like when you start needing treatment and giving less care?

Do you give all of yourself away? Consumed by our jobs to care, that we literally have zero cares for ourself?

First year Anniversary in Melbourne

I can’t believe one year in Melbourne has already passed soo quickly in a blink of an eye 😅😅… I spent half of the time in a lockdown, but honestly it hasn’t been too bad. So grateful for the good times I have had during my stay here, the people I have met, and the food I have eaten.

Cheers 🥂 to another year to go. 😌😌😌Where will I be in one years time?

Taking time to appreciate the Sky

I left work only half an hour late today, for the first time since forever. I saw the sky still lit up so pretty. I was in awe. Was it always so pretty? I’ve been staying at work late into the night, so the sky always has been black and dark.

It’s funny how you dont notice the beauty that’s around you when all you can see, feel, and hear is the problems going in the world, in your own life, in health and work.

There’s gotta be more in life than work… but at the moment I feel I am becoming consumed and engrossed in just work. It was so unbearable today I developed a headache 😭😭😭

Assertiveness, efficiency, attention to detail, timelessness, safety, how can you do all of above and please everyone?😭

Slow down

A patient of mine told me to, SLOW DOWN. My job gets repetitive after doing the classic antibiotic and pain killers talk for the 100th time during this rotation.

I haven’t realised that I have gone 100 miles per hour, until a person from a non-English speaking country told me to “SLOW DOWN”. And I stopped, I really do go TOO FAST. Maybe due to the workload, partly because I am an inpatient person. I always want to be fast, effective, and try to do everything. But, I realised, what is the point in doing all this? To achieve everything so soon… to work yourself into a sweat trying to bend your head over for someone who really doesn’t care?

My goal from now on, is to slow down, take a deep breath and ask myself, “Why am I rushing”? What for? Am I late? Then I should change my habits and start being early. Am I not going to get things done? Then maybe it’s time to ask for help or see what else can be streamlined, prioritised to be done later.

Life flies by, and then you realised you haven’t even stopped to smell the flower, enjoy the food, make some friendships. What happened to me that all I became was someone so focused on goals, achievements, and I slowly became someone without a soul, perhaps coming off rude, and a loner.

Embrace Loneliness

I believe you have to embrace being alone. It’s so true how you can be around people, yet feel so alone and isolated.

And when you are alone, you can feel like no one in the world cares about you, if you suddenly disappeared without a trace. If something happened to you, no one would notice, because you are all alone.

Yet, the sounds of people talking too loudly about things you don’t care about, can make you wish for peace and quiet.

So in the moment, appreciate you are alone. You don’t have to make small talk, you don’t have to ask how their day was. Just relax knowing you can eat when you want, sleep when you want, go out and do something you want to on your own. No need to consult with anyone else or what they think. Life is freedom to do whatever you want.

Yet sometimes, society makes you feel bad for being alone. Life and society wasn’t designed for people who are alone. It’s like the loners are shunned in the world.

Lock down lifting

Soooo restrictions are easy across metropolitan Melbourne since yesterday morning. But, I really honestly didn’t feel impact from it. I was home all day yesterday, bed ridden from a sudden wave of sickness. I reckon it had to be the sudden new working hours of the dreaded “Late Shift” week that I had. 11:30am-20:00 pm … so cold, and so dark when I finally finished working….

I fought the sickness for 2 days before succumbing to it and finally breaking down. There was no more juice, a full migraine broke out on top of the background sickness of congestion, cough, sore throat, and hot and cold chills. I actually planned to get covid swabbed, but was feeling way too sick to do so.

Life always has it’s ways of saying to you, it’s time to rest. Like, really! Stop pushing yourself and get well soon.

P.S. i am on annual leave from today, unfortunately I had to cancel my flights to Adelaide as Adelaide has closed its borders to me and I am unable to return home at this stage =\/(

The daily grind

Not sure if it’s the grey cold weather, the workload, the long hours, the extra things I do after work and on my weekends.

But these days, I feel like I am struggling. Struggling to have the energy to do anything.. the excitement in life is just waning. Perhaps its because I came back from having one week off for the first time since I started this new job in August 2020.

Perhaps it maybe also because I’ve been self weaning off my medicines that keep depression and anxiety away, and now… With that in my background, life just seems so much harder. So much sadder.

But this too will past, won’t? I am not even sure why I feel so sad, why so down, why so anxious… maybe I just didn’t pay attention to it. Maybe, it’s because when something good goes away… then you realise how nice it was and the life before was so bleak.

Sometimes people add colour, rainbows, variety to the mundane life and once they go away. It’s hard, so hard to get used to that boring life again.

But overtime, you will forget, forget those sunny days. To see a rainbow, you do require rain aswell as sun.

Catch 22 – Research Projects

When you start investigating and looking into doing research, unfortunately you will affect the circumstances that you are in.

Research has not been my strong point or forte unfortunately… I just get overwhelmed, bored, and tired of doing research. Unfortunately, as part of my residency position, I will have to complete a research project. Coming up with a project hasn’t been that difficult, but implementation and designing. Holy shit. So hard..🥲🥲🥲it’s almost been a year, yet I still haven’t been able to even start my project yet. Getting ethics has been a major road block… there are so many hurdles to jump through even before I can even go through to ethics… As a resident, my project has to go through the Education committee before going to the Research Committee, and then finally after they all disseminate my Research Expression of Interest.. then can finally go to the Ethics Committee 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 just too hard if you ask me.

It sucks now.. the waiting game before starting the Research.. but I suppose in a years time… maybe I will be pretty happy with where I have ended up? Perhaps I would have finished/close to finishing my research project..

WHO KNOWS

Am I going to make a difference in the world? Maybe not?

I love my project… yet I also hate it with passion. How I long to be a normal employee without all the additional responsibilities, research, and expectations… Yet, I know this is a stepping stone for something greater. Something better. Who knows

Do you just become sick or do you make yourself sick?

Do we just suddenly fall sick for no reason or are we the ones treating our bodies so bad that it forces us to take much needed rest?

I think I know the answer… I think I sip my ice old glass of soy milk because my coffee is too hot and I already have several mouth ulcers in my mouth.

My blood tests all came back “normal”, nothing out of the ordinary, no infection, not low in vitamin D, iron, or vitamin b12. My blood pressure standing and sitting were “fine”, but I still feel dizzy when walking around. I still feel tired and so fatigued that my mind becomes blank and I barely can make the drive to work without falling asleep. Burn out is real and your body will let you know it has had ENOUGH. You need rest it says…

If you are constantly worrying about work or thinking things will crumble if you aren’t there, then I feel you are overestimating the abilities of other people. If you are always doing everything, then how will people ever learn how to do something? So the cycle continues, because that’s how you learnt in the first place right? When you were thrown into the deep end, it’s either you sink to the bottom or you force yourself to learn to swim.

But you swim too hard, too fast, and you tire out. You forget that you aren’t in some olympic 100m swim race, you are in a marathon called ‘Life’. It’s time to pace yourself, know your limits and know how to love yourself, (that’s a post for another time).

Interview with a Radiographer Podcast out now!

Interview with a radiographer

Click the link above to hear the second episode of my series of interviews with a variety of people!

This episode interviews a radiographer on their normal duties at work and also what they side hustles are.

Hope you enjoy!

Priorities in Life

I think I have said it before, but there is a time and place for everything.

There is a time to save, a time to spend, a time to invest, a time to just work your ass off.

Everyone harps on about work-life balance, but what and who really determines what value you put on each area? Is there a perfect number? I think it is more a subjective thing and it will change through the seasons of your life.

I believe our priorities change as we grow…In high school, all I ever wanted to do was graduate and be done with school. Then in Uni, I just wanted so badly to pass my exams and to finish my course. I started working and then all I could think about is how much I missed my friends at uni and all the free time I used to have.

People my age are getting married, having kids, working and planning their life.

I suppose it comes down to our values to what we think is important and that occupies our time.

Almost the end of 2019…

I think it’s time for a reflection.

Big things, small things, decisions… risks, investments..friendships, relationships, money, time, study, work, career….goals and dreams.

If only we were able to do it all and achieve it all… Sometimes you feel that one life-time is not enough. You feel like there is much to chase after, yet you also fail to appreciate what you have achieved already and what you have.

Sometimes I feel regret at what I sacrifice in order to get closer to what I want to achieve. I question myself, is it worth it? To be so driven towards something that gives you temporary joy when you achieve. I am somewhat afraid that when I finally reach the goals and final destination to where I want to go, I fear it won’t make me as happy as I had hoped.

This fear… will it stop me from trying? I think I will regret most not trying hard enough. But even though i am striving towards my goal…I am also trying to pursue my career goals… and then there’s my bucket list of things I wanna do before I am 30.

I think I am going through what I call a “one third of life crisis”. Not sure what I want, but everyone around me seems to me talking of marriage, getting married, having kids, buying houses… and then there’s me.. not sure what I want to do. I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way though… life is meant to be more simple than we make it. We complicate it by over thinking, by worrying about what hasn’t happened yet… or worrying that something will never happen.

FOMO is so real. I try to avoid it, aside from Linked In and a fake FB account.. I don’t go on social media. But even in the brief moments I have gone on these apps…I’ve managed to make myself feel bad.. I compared myself to this person because they got into medicine this year… oh and this one got a “Senior Pharmacist” position, even though I graduated first!! Or this one got into the hospital residency program…so much to compare myself to…you get my gist. I know I am supposed to feel grateful for where I am, so many would kill to be in my position..two well-paying jobs… good work place… mostly good colleagues…

But sometimes, your brain just shuts down and just wants to run away from it all and just have a break, before your break.

Priorities

I had an argument with someone who was once a friend…I was constantly trying to make plans to meet up with them or talk to them, yet they were always TOO BUSY to even talk. They would take forever to reply to simple texts asking if we were meeting up that day or not. It was just getting really annoying and frustrating for the lack of communication.

Call me pushy or too clingy…but honestly, sometimes you do wonder why you even bother? If the other person is putting in zilch effort towards a relationship that is one-sided, what even is the point?

Apparently, they are ‘too busy’, apparently their schedule is ‘too unpredictable’. But honestly, with a bit of communication and planning, there is always time. But, that’s only if you want to make time.  I got angry because I know that I have been incredibly busy and run down lately…but I do try my best to spend time with loved ones…because they are the ones who keep me sane, to help me relax. It wasn’t always like that, I used to just concentrate on work and study and no play. But that is no way to live.

We make our own schedule…essentially we choose what we do. Sometimes we feel like that isn’t the case. Despite knowing this, I still complain that I work too much…13 out of 14 days…but that’s IS MY OWN CHOICE and I have my reason to do so, but I don’t use that as an excuse for not meeting up someone when they ask me. Friendships and those close to us are a treasure. Those that are real friends will stick around when the going gets tough…when you are feeling down…and sad. If you neglect your friendships and just concentrate on something like your career, or earning money, or just one single relationship…and neglect the rest. If you lose that one thing, you have nothing.

I get angry at people like that because I was once like that…and still like that to a small extent. I know I need to change, it’s hard I KNOW. I am super guilty of just want to put my all into something. I am the first to compare myself to others and want to have what others have. Those who seem like they are succeeding in what they do, do you see all their sacrifices to get to where they are? Do you see their blood, sweat, tears, and the loneliness that they face?

I guess it all comes down to your priorities and your values. Maybe career is all you care about and is what you live for. But for me, I don’t want to go to the end of my life and realise, yes I got the job that I wanted…I had so much money…but I had no one with me in my final days of life.

I have a wall sticker on my wall it says, “The best things in life are the People we love, the places we’ve been, and the memories we’ve made along the way.”

and the other stick on my other wall says “If you can dream it, you can do it”.

Two very conflicting values that I hold strongly too. I want to live my dreams, but I also treasure every moment with my friends and family. Because they are truly the best things in life to me.

 

Rant on Stressing

Call me anti-social…or whatever.. but I don’t enjoy hanging out/spending time with people that I honestly don’t care about. Sounds weird…rude..even but it’s true..Maybe I am weird.? Selfish? I feel like there are many people that I deeply care about that I haven’t had much time to catch up with, I don’t want to waste my time with people who won’t appreciate my presence and vice versa. This might be because lately I’ve been a bit stressed and short on time…

I have been working non-stop everyday…this week was really busy…I had to cover someone as the manager of a hospital dispensary..I’ve only been there on a handful of occasions and this time it really stressed me out! I can tell how stressed I am..I had to work from early morning until well into the night…I cannot believe I used to drive one hour to work -work for 12 hours and then drive one hour home- than repeat several times a week… I think I am getting too old for that…no wonder I was so stressed back then and so so tired. It’s exhausting. When I finally hit the weekends where I only work in the afternoons..I slept till midday…because my body was just tired…I didn’t have time to go to the gym..I didn’t have time to use my phone…No time to see friends…I was too stressed to sleep properly…by the end of the week I had pimples on my face…really dead hair…and a rash on my neck..and just felt groggy..

After my last 12 hour shift on the Friday, I caught up with some friends…and they asked me why I was working so hard? It’s not like I want to work there full time or want a promotion..I think it’s just my own harsh work ethic on myself..I put myself responsible for everything that goes wrong…I feel so bad if I have to make more work for someone else…but at the same time I know I have my limitations and in the end I am just one person. Is it selfish for me to assume so much responsibility? I am just covering someone..yet I feel like I have to try so hard. Who am I trying to impress? I actually could have said NO to covering that person, who just happens to be my boss and manager…

I think maybe its my work ethics that are back to haunt me. I don’t want people to talk down on me and say bad things..sigh why do we try to impress people..but in the end we are just pretending everything is okay? it’s not okay!

There were times at work where I really struggled. I felt so alone. I felt like no one could help me. I didn’t know what to do..and honestly… I just did what I thought would be the best for the patient. I don’t know if it is what other pharmacists would do…what my boss would do..but honestly, though it was a tough week. I realised…there is lots I do not know. I forgot what I did know already. It’s through these tough times we grow muscles. But I think I still need to pace myself… Maybe doing four days in a row there was a bit too much…on the back of working 15 days straight…with minimal sleep and study..It’s not a good combination.

At the end of the stint at the stressful hospital, I caught up with some friends late at night. I just felt I needed to relax. I felt like I lost myself for the past week…All I did was work sleep repeat. I don’t want to live like that anymore…because what is the point? All that extra stress bites into your mental and physical health and then you will end up using the extra money you made to pay for people to make you feel better…its a viscous cycle of madness. Because of the high amount of medical bills you have to pay, then the more you work.

Just need to think about why you want to work and what you are working for…have a vision in front of you and ask yourself “Is it worth it?” I hope it is..

Well, for my reason for working so much is that I want to be able to both go on a holiday overseas AND also put a deposit on my very own house! I want to Marie Kondo the sh*t out of it..hahaha…Don’t get me wrong, I love my current cute house I live in with my parents, but I would love to own my own place that I can call my own and invite friends over without worrying about all the mess……….that is my current house.

What was this post even about?